“I don’t know.”
“But you enjoyed Seattle. You told me that much.”
“I enjoyed Seattle because I thought I had the option of having both.”
“Both?”
“You and hockey.”
I stare at the beer bottle in my hand, watching condensation drip down the glass. "The offer is good. Really good. But every time I think about signing, I freeze."
"Why?"
"Because it doesn't feel right." I take a long drink. "Because I keep thinking about what it means—leaving here, leaving..." I trail off.
"Leaving what?"
"You know what."
She's quiet. I can feel her eyes on me, but I don't look at her. If I look at her, I'll say something I can't take back.
"Declan, you have to take it. This is what you've worked for your entire life."
"Is it?" I finally turn to face her.
"Don't do that. Don't pretend you don't love hockey."
"I do love hockey. I'm not saying I don't. But I also love—" I stop myself. "I also want other things."
"Like what?"
I lean back in the chair. "Like making my own choices for once instead of following the script everyone else wrote for me."
"Taking the Seattle offer is your choice."
"Is it? Or is it just the path of least resistance?" I shake my head. "I went to Seattle thinking it would give me clarity. That I'd know what I wanted. But all it did was show me what I'd be giving up."
She doesn't say anything for a long moment. "What would you be giving up?"
Everything. You. The possibility of us.
But I can't say that. Not when she's made it clear there is no us.
"I don't know," I lie. "That's the problem. I don't know what I want."
"You're lying."
I look at her then. She's watching me with those blue eyes that have always seen through my bullshit.
"Maybe," I admit.
"So tell me the truth."
"The truth is complicated."
"Try me."
I take another drink, buying myself time. "The truth is, I can't sign that contract because every time I try, all I can think about is you. About the fact that you're not going to be there." I set the beer down. "And I know that's not fair. I know you made your choice, and I need to respect that. But I can't just flip a switch and stop caring."
