But she's so calm. That's what's gutting me. She's so calm. Her mask of indifference is back in place. Like she's already done the hard part, and I'm just catching up.
"You said we'd figure it out together," I say. It comes out quieter than I mean it to. "That was what you said. Before I left."
"I know what I said."
"Then what happened?"
"I changed my mind." She looks at me. "I'm allowed to change my mind."
A cold thought snakes through my mind. “Did you take my father’s offer?”
“No. I would never.”
I believe her, but there has to be more.
"Take the placement," she says again gently, like that's supposed to help. "Do what you went to Seattle to do. You know it's what you want." She shifts her bag on her shoulder. "I already made my decision. You should go make yours."
She walks away.
I watch her go. It’s her walking out of my life in the very literal sense.
She’s gone. I don’t know how to process that.
I walk to class without even realizing I’m moving.
The professor starts talking. I write down two words before I realize I don't recognize anything he's saying. I cannot focus. I feel adrift. Everything I thought I knew and wanted is just gone.
I sit there for twenty minutes and hope whatever is being said isn’t important because I’m retaining none of it.
I think about what she said about me already havingmade my decision.
Not angry. Not sorry. Just done. Like I’m a pair of worn-out shoes. Last year’s style, and now she’s getting new shoes. There’s no need for me in her life anymore.
Chapter Four
SUTTON
I’m fine.
Really, I am.
I think I’m supposed to say that every day, and then it comes true. Manifesting or something like that.
It’s not working. I feel more miserable today than I did a week ago.
I’m lying in bed listening to my alarm go off. I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to go to practice. I’ve decided I hate ice hockey. If I didn’t have a team depending on me, I would bail. Hang up my skates and just focus on my last semester.
But I can’t do that. Not to mention, my father would be so disappointed. All those sacrifices he made to get me ice time. The hockey equipment.
Oh, and my scholarship depends on my playing hockey.
So I throw my blankets off and start the day.
I make coffee. I shower. I read ahead for my forensic science seminar because it moves fast, the reading is dense, and I like being prepared. These are the things that fill the hours.
I go to practice, and yeah, I suck. I just can’t conjure up any enthusiasm for the game.
After class, I’m heading to get another coffee because I seem to be existing on caffeine alone, and I hear my name.
