“I was standing there calling your name, but you were somewhere else, not in this office.” She stares me in my eyes as she makes herself more comfortable on my lap.
I lie. “I was thinking of all the shit I have to do. The next few trips, everything in between.” I kiss her forehead, needing the conversation to change.
“The doctor will be here in a few hours.”
Her body tenses when I say it.
“What?” I cock my head at her.
She tries to move, but I hold her to me. “Talk,” I grumble out to her.
“I’m scared.” She looks away from me, but I grab her chin, forcing her to look at me. Her eyes are watery with unshedtears. "What if something is seriously wrong?" What if they did some damage to me? I don’t know if I can live with that or this pain. I’ve tried for so long to be quiet about it; maybe that’s the masochist in me that needs to feel the pain to know I’m still alive and here. I don’t know.” She shrugs her shoulders, finally speaking out loud what she’s been thinking all this time.
“Baby, you’ll never know if you don’t get checked. What if it’s something super easy to fix? And you’ve stayed in pain for all this time. No matter what, I’m here,” I promise her, and hope she latches on to it, because I am.
She doesn’t speak, only nods her head.
I pull my phone off the desk and start doomscrolling for both of us, watching stupid TikToks, trying to put her mind onto something else.
Once my legs fall asleep, I decide we both need to eat.
“I’m going to run to get us some food before they get here. You want to ride?”
“No, I’ll stay and hibernate on the sofa until you come back.” She eases off me, but not before kissing me.
“I love you, Luca.”
Chapter Seventeen
Rowan
Roxy and I cuddle on the sofa while Luca runs to town for something to eat. I think she’s loving the heating pad, the only reason she’s really cuddling with me, but I’ll take her cuddles anyway I can.
My head hurts, and I don’t know if it’s from the fall or just from being in constant pain. I’m annoyed with myself for letting it go on for so long, but if I admitted it, I felt like they won, when I know that’s not the truth. The constant reminder of them is something I haven’t gotten used to.
Thinking back to the days I spent alone and healing in the campus dorm, bleeding and feeling like my insides were going to fall out of me, I want to hold that Rowan so badly. Love her and help her, but I can’t. The only thing I can do now is get this Rowan back to a pain-free life. And I will. Today was scary, and if I’m honest with myself, a wake-up call. I think I can handle everything, but I can’t. I’m only human with a beating crimson heart; we all are.
I no longer have normal menstrual cycles; either they’re months apart or so bad that I bleed through everything.
Being with Luca is one of my favorite things, but sometimes the pain that comes afterward makes me want to shoot my brain out. During sex, I can ignore it. I force myself to, because I’m not letting them have that too, but once done, I silently emerge intoa river of pain, never letting Luca know because I don’t want him to feel like he has to be easy on me.
The TV is just background noise for my running thoughts, but they’re interrupted when a loud bang sounds outside. Roxy immediately jumps off me, her paw digging into my stomach.
“Motherfucker,” I whine out before standing up.
Looking out the window, I see nothing, but Roxy is barking and pacing at the front door.
“Okay. Okay,” I call down to her as she cries to get outside, taking her paws and scratching at the door frame.
Opening the door, she bolts out and runs behind the house. I step outside, but I instantly feel uncomfortable and haul ass back in, feeling like I can’t close and lock the door fast enough.
With my back to the now locked door, I turn on the security alarm, running back to the window. The panoramic view it offers from the outside lets me see nothing out of the ordinary.
Heading to the back of the house, my feet slapping the hardwood floor as I run to the back, all the while holding my stomach. But looking out of the windows, I still see nothing, not even Roxy, until in the distance, I swear I see a figure in the lining of the woods. Squinting my eyes, trying to get a better look, but it’s still too far away. I stand there motionless, just watching it, while I swear it watches me. The hair on my arm stands to attention as chills overtake my body. I know if I blink, it’ll be gone. So, I don’t…not until my eyes water and it becomes too much. Finally blinking quickly, I open them back up, but the figure is gone.
“What the fuck?” I whisper to the empty house.
Being all the way out here has never weirded me out before; I stayed here alone so many times while Luca was away at work, but now this is creeping me out.
