Ellie follows behind her, pressing her head into my chest, increasing the pressure but at the same time anchoring me to the present while Tris repeats my name slowly and tells me to breathe. I do as she says until her voice no longer sounds as though it’s coming from far away.
After what feels like an eternity of being underwater, I come up for a deep breath. Each one that follows is easier than the last.
“That’s it, Levi,” Tris says, her voice shaky as she rubs circles on my back. “Just keep breathing, baby. I’m right here.”
Eventually, my breathing returns to normal. I relax into the railing, letting it support most of my weight while Tris leans her head against my shoulder. Still holding onto me, her hand rests on my back, and Ellie curls into a ball at my feet. Neither of us says anything right away, so we sit in silence as I try to gather my thoughts and understand what happened. I breathe in and out a shuddering breath, letting the last of the panic leave my body, and Tris shifts beside me.
“Are you okay?” Her voice is soft and trembling, and her eyes ricochet between mine, searching for answers.
Emotion clogs my throat, causing me to have to clear it before answering. “I’m sorry for scaring you.”
“What happened, Levi?” she asks more gently than I’ve ever heard her speak.
“I’ve suffered with panic attacks ever since the accident,” I say flatly, detached, staring off at the mountains in the distance like they’ve got answers I don’t.
She absorbs the information and frowns. Her expression is laced with pain, like it hurts her knowing this is something I’ve suffered with alone, but changes into one of confusion.
“But panic attacks are caused by triggers. No?” she asks, trying to understand. “You were fine. We only just got home, I gave Ellie the biscuits and...” Her voice wavers, breaking off as she pieces it together.
My head falls forward, weighed down with frustration at myself, and guilt takes its place when Tris inhales sharply beside me.
“I called myself momma.” She lets the words fall between us.
“I know in my mind that it’s not a big deal,” I try to reason, to explain, but the words tore through the carefully patched-over grief I’ve been carrying, and logic had no business there. “You’re as much Ellie’s mom as...” Again, my voice trails off as I struggle to get the words out, grinding my teeth together, frustrated that I can’t get a grip on my emotions.
“If you think about it, you’ve been with Ellie longer,” I laugh out bitterly now. “It’s fine, I’m fine.”
I try to stand, but Tris keeps me in my place on the step beside her.
“No, you’re not.” She takes my face in her hand, forcing me to look into her eyes that are shining with raw sincerity. “And that’s okay.”
“I’m sorry,” I choke out.
“Stop,” she says in that authoritative tone of hers. “You don’t have to apologize for something you have no control over. This is something that happenedto you, a loss you’re still healing from.” She lowers her hand from my face and threads her fingers through mine. “I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve gone through, what you’re still going through. I thought I knew loss when my family lost everything, but that’s nothing in comparison.”
She lets out a sharp huff, looking away for a moment. “Turns out I didn’t have all that much after all. It took losing everything for me to finally have it all.” She looks back at me with a sad smile. “Our story didn’t start with moving on, Levi. It started with our choice to keep going, despite all the loss.”
She looks down at our hands, drawing circles with her thumb while I think about everything she’s said and about all the choices we’ve made that have led us here. Her circles stop, and when she looks up at me again, tears fill her bloodshot eyes, falling over as she blinks and inhales sharply on a silent sob. “I’m so sorry she’s not the one here with you.”
I freeze, the shock of her words and seeing the tears trail down her face paralyzing me before I pull her into my chest, holding her, grounding both of us in this moment, together. Every sob she lets out rips at me, tearing away the layers of grief I’ve been hiding under, shining a light and calling to the places inside myself where the panic and pain can no longer hide. Layer by layer falls until there’s nothing left but a single truth I’ve been too ashamed to admit. Scared that its admittance would break something deep inside me and shatter the very reality that holds the memories of my past together. My chest constricts, my heart aching as it truly accepts what I thought it already had. That Krystal is gone... and that I’m happy.
I’m happy thatTrisis the one here.
I push Tris back and wipe the tears from her face.
“I’m not sorry,” I finally say out loud.
Tris’s eyes search mine for the lie. Like, surely what I’m saying can’t be true, but it is.
“I’m not sorry that it’s you, Tris. I’m not sorry that I get to have and hold you and fight with you.” I laugh, though my throat threatens to constrict. “I love hearing you call yourself Ellie’s momma and spending time with you.”
I drop my head and wipe my hand over my face, holding back the tears in my eyes. “I loved Krystal, and yeah, I miss her every day. That’s what no one tells you when you lose someone. Youdon’t only lose them once, but every time something reminds you of them. They don’t tell you that the hardest part is feeling their absence in the little day-to-day things. You expect it to be the big ones, but it’s not.” I pause, trying to find the words to say to get her to understand. “But still, I’m not sorry, Tris. The one thing I will never be sorry about in this life is loving you.”
Her hand covers her mouth as a sound that’s a half-sob, half-chuckle escapes her. “You love me?”
She sounds surprised, and it breaks my heart that a part of her finds it hard to believe.
“Tris,” I say with an amused exhale, lifting her chin with my knuckle. “Trust me, I tried really hard not to.”
