He took off for the van, boots thundering on the ground. He reached inside, locking his hand around one guy’s neck. He half-yanked him out of his seat and thrust his face into his.
“Where the hell is she? Tell me what you know!”
A strong arm banded around his middle and yanked him back while another peeled his fingers off the guy’s throat.
Con and Chickie dragged him away as the sound of the guy’s explosive coughs filled the night.
Ash struggled against their restraint, jerking his arm to throw off his teammates. In a distant part of his brain, he registered Con ordering the FBI to question them about Ellory.
“Ash—” Con began.
He slashed the air with a hand. “Let’s go.”
Nobody argued. They took off to their vehicle.
But Ash’s mind, his heart—his goddamnsoul—was far away.
He piled in the back with the rest of the team with his weapon across his knees and his jaw locked so tight his back teeth ached.
Con was on the phone with Elin before they hit the end of the long driveway, his words clipped and rough as he gathered whatever details existed. Which apparently weren’t many.
Ash listened to the half of the conversation he could hear and tried to keep his head from going to a dark place he couldn’t come back from.
Con lowered the phone, not moving, staring straight forward. “No one knew she was leaving. Elin was the last person who saw her. Ellory told her that she found Cipher’s mainframe.”
His mind went into a nauseated spin. His lips felt cold and numb when he spoke. “She doesn’t even have a gun.”
Sinner twisted in the seat in front of him. “No weapon? At all?”
“No,” he grated out through wooden lips. “She really is an accountant. She’s untrained in self-defense.”
Ash bent forward, fighting to fill his lungs with air. “Before I recruited for Blackout…I-I was in charge of a task force. My bad call got my girlfriend killed.”
Silence throbbed in the van, but outside he heard the low thump of chopper blades as they approached their connection.
“I was too passive then and I’m too passive now,” he choked out.
Sinner gave a rough shake of his head. “You couldn’t have known she would leave, Ash.”
No one spoke, as if anything too loud would cause him to crash out.
“Both times the intel looked solid enough to act on, or in the case with Melina, not act on. Both times I committed to the fucking plan!”
A hand came down on his shoulder and squeezed, but he went on, hot words pouring out.
“I told Melina to wait. I followed protocol. She died because I ignored my instincts. With Ellory…Christ, Ellory is gone. I followed orders, goddammit!”
“You didn’t make a bad call either time,” Con gritted out.
He gave a jerky nod, breathing hard through his nose. “It was the right call…and it still wasn’t enough.”
He was a damn good operative with solid instincts. He’d done the honorable thing both times. He lost people anyway.
And it still felt like something had been stolen from him.
And that was breaking him open.
He jerked his fists in the air, needing violence, but there was nothing to connect with. He pushed hot air through his nose to keep his emotions at bay.
