Finally, the closing prayer signaled that the service was coming to an end, and soon I would be free to leave.My parents and I didn't plan to go to the cemetery—only close family would attend.I didn't get a chance to speak with Jessica; I merely offered my condolences before she retreated to her parents.
The service concluded, and people began to filter out of the church.I spotted Marco standing alone and Emily with her parents.We shared a brief glance.Stepping outside for some fresh air felt like a relief.I lingered, hoping to say goodbye to Jessica while my parents waited in the car.When she approached, Marco and Emily joined us, and we formed a small circle, exchanging glances.
“I'm so sorry, Jess,” I said, gently rubbing her arm.
“We're sorry too,” Emily added.
“Thank you for being here.I can't believe she's really gone,” Jessica replied, struggling to hold back her tears.We fell into a silence, realizing there was nothing more to say.Yet, in that moment, it felt as though death had woven us together.After a few minutes, we each drifted away in different directions.
I had to prepare for school.There was homework I had neglected that I needed to finish.The house was quiet, except for the occasional beeping of my phone as messages from Zane came through:
“I'm really sorry about Jessica’s grandma.Get some rest; I'll see you tomorrow at school, dummy.”
A new year brought fresh starts, new connections, and love.Zane and I hadn't discussed how we would navigate our relationship at school; after our kiss, he called a few times, but our conversations were short, mainly updates on our lives.
I confided in my mom about dating Zane, but I couldn't bring myself to tell my dad.I chose to leave that task to her, knowing he wouldn't take the news well.My mom suggested inviting Zane over for dinner soon so my dad could get to know him better.
When I approached the school, my heart was a restless ocean, crashing against the shores of my essence, but Zane was nowhere to be seen.The bell rang, and I headed to class, hoping to catch him during break.The classroom buzzed with chatter, and as usual, no one noticed me or my newly cropped hair, which was just fine by me.
“I love your new haircut!”I looked up to see Emily setting her beige backpack on the desk next to me.She slid into her usual spot, as she had for the past few years.“Is it okay if I sit here?”she asked with a friendly grin.
“Of course,” I replied, knowing I had no choice or option to decline.I was unsure of her motives; one moment she wanted to be friends, and the next, she seemed to want me out of her and Marco’s lives.I decided to just roll with it.
“Jessica is really upset.We should take her out for a movie or just grab a coffee,” Emily suggested, glancing at me for my approval.
“Yeah, I think that sounds good,” I replied.Just then, the teacher walked in, and I tried to focus on the lesson.The weather outside was gloomy, cold, and rainy, making me long for a nap.
Finally, the lunch break arrived.I dashed out, not even considering that Emily might tag along.My gaze swept the hallway until I spotted Clous approaching, a smug grin plastered on his face.
“Hey there, blondie.Want to play?”he called out, and I felt a wave of nausea wash over me; I couldn't stand him.Then, I noticed V and Zane lounging on the opposite side of the hall.A moment later, Jake joined them, along with Clous, who was grabbing a soda from the vending machine behind me.
I locked eyes with Zane for a fleeting second before he looked away.
“What are you staring at?”Emily asked as she caught up with me.“Oh, I see,” she added, following my gaze.I continued to stare, my mind racing.Was he embarrassed to be seen with me?Did he fear V’s judgment or the group's reactions?
I wanted things to feel normal; if we were dating, then we should be together openly, not just in private.I wanted to confront him, but courage eluded me.
“Any updates on Zane?”Emily whispered, curiosity evident in her tone.I hesitated, unsure if I wanted her to know about any of it; she could easily tell Marco, and I hadn't decided if I wanted him in the loop yet.
I shook my head and turned away from Zane.This emotional rollercoaster was exhausting: one minute I felt elated, the next I was engulfed in emptiness.I wished I could read Zane’s thoughts; understanding him might ease my turmoil.
The school day wrapped up, Emily followed me again, and we walked together to the bus stop, making plans to catch up with Jess.Marco seemed surprised to see us together, and I struggled to focus on what she was saying—I was too angry and confused.
We took our usual seats: I sat in the front while Emily and Marco settled in the back.There were four stops before the bus left town.At the second stop, Zane boarded the bus and plopped down beside me, leaving my mouth agape.We exchanged glances, neither of us speaking for a moment.Then…
“I'm sorry.I know you're upset.I just didn't know how to handle things.I wasn't sure if you wanted me to approach you or if you wanted to keep us a secret from everyone,” he confessed, searching my eyes for understanding.I felt the same uncertainty; I didn't reach out because I wasn't sure he wanted me to.It was all so awkward—something that should be simple felt impossible.
“I… I don't know.I guess when two people are dating, they should be able to be together anywhere without feeling ashamed,” I replied, but even as I said it, I felt a pang of shame.I caught a glimpse of Marco’s horrified expression behind me; his disbelief was palpable.Zane noticed too.
“And you're not ashamed?If I kissed you right now, would
that be okay with your friends back there?”he asked, hoping to elicit a reaction that would affirm my words.But for some reason, I couldn't speak.I didn't care what others thought, but this was Marco—someone I once loved and envisioned a future with.As the bus reached the fourth stop, my silence compelled Zane to get off.I felt like I had ruined everything.
The routine on the way home was the usual: I would head out first while Marco spent another ten minutes making out with Emily at the stop, leaving me to walk home alone.
Once inside, I barely had time to exchange a few words with my mom before the doorbell rang.I opened the door and saw Marco.He was insistent on having a talk.
My mom was taken aback when she saw him, but she graciously welcomed him in.We headed to my room, and I shut the door behind us.
