“Sure!Love you.”
“Love U 2.”
I was exhausted, but a part of me longed for a comforting and strong hug.I hopped in the shower, wishing I had a bathtub where I could soak away the heaviness of the day for hours.Someday, when I lived on my own, I would make sure to have that luxury.I skipped washing my hair, opting instead for a quick bun.After changing into something comfortable, I searched for my mom to let her know I was heading to Marco’s.
“Mom, are you here?”I called out as I wandered through the kitchen.“Mom?”I tried again, but there was no response.Just then, I spotted her coming in from outside, engrossed in her phone.“Is everything alright?”I asked, a bit worried.
“Oh yes, just work.Are you going somewhere?”She looked up at me.
“Yes, I'm going to Marco’s, I'll be back for dinner.”I explained.She didn't say much, but I sensed that Marco was the only one she really trusted.I headed out.
As I walked to his place, my mind raced with thoughts of the day's events and the memories that flashed before my eyes.I didn't even realize I had reached his front door until I rang the bell.He answered almost instantly, as if he had been waiting for me.
“Hey,” I said, feeling a wave of relief wash over me.
“Hey there.”He took my hand and pulled me close, kissing me as if we hadn't seen each other in weeks.“I missed you,” he teased.“Since this morning?”I asked with a smile.
“Come on, I have a surprise for you!”he said, leading me upstairs to his room.
“Wait, where is your mom?”
“My aunt had an emergency at work, so my mom is taking care of my six-year-old nephew.They usually come here, but he's sick in bed.This is a rare chance; she'll be back around 8 PM,” he explained as we approached his room.“Close your eyes!”he commanded, and I complied.The door swung open, and I could hear music and noticed a single candle flickering by the bed.“I didn't have time to get candles and everything else; it was kind of last-minute…” he said, looking at me, searching for a hint of my reaction.I knew exactly where this was heading.It was finally happening—after all our conversations and failed attempts, we finally had the right moment and place to seal the deal.My emotions swirled as I tried to process it all.Would I go through with it, or would I hesitate?
My heart raced as I stood frozen in place, unable to move.He wrapped his arms around me from behind, pulling me close and enveloping me in his warmth.A blush crept over my cheeks as I realized just how ready he was.He turned me to face him, gently cradling my face in his hands, his eyes locked onto mine.
A stillness enveloped us, punctuated only by our heavy breathing.The thudding of my heart matched his intensity.I knew I should speak up, but the words remained lodged in my throat, refusing to come out.
“I love you, and I always will,” he whispered softly before leaning in to kiss me, guiding me toward the bed.The kiss was intense and demanding.Oh gosh, I would do anything to repay him with the same intensity, but for some reason, I couldn't; I just couldn't.What I gave him in that instant simply felt like not enough.
In that moment, I felt like I had been walking toward a guillotine rather than into the arms of someone I cherished.What was love, really?Did I truly understand its essence?Could love exist alongside hesitation and fear?Did it come with regrets?My mind raced with these questions, but Marco’s urgency pushed them aside.He quickly peeled off my hoodie and T-shirt, and I realized there was no turning back.
I had to go with the flow.It was what he anticipated from me.I didn't want to let him down, even if it meant suppressing myself.Why couldn't I be as carefree as Emily?Why did I always have to analyze everything and overthink?It was tearing me apart internally.I wore a flawless façade like a porcelain doll, yet inside, I felt like I was screaming for help.
As he stripped away his T-shirt, I found myself gazing at his young, familiar body—one I had seen countless times before.A body I had explored and kissed countless times.A body that exuded the sweet scent of peaches and the freshness of cotton, fragrances that had often wrapped around me like a comforting embrace as I abandoned myself to sleep.
Yet, this time, it lacked the thrill or electricity described in novels.It was simply the bare form of a boy I had known since childhood.I wondered if all those romantic notions in books were just fabrications?Were they mere fantasies designed to make us yearn for a love we could never truly grasp?Should that have been enough for me?But what if I craved something deeper?
What if this love couldn't satisfy my longing?I wanted to experience everything I had read about—the passionate love, the consuming desire.
Just one day had transformed my perspective, but why?I felt no different than I had yesterday, so what had changed?Why were all these questions flooding my mind?
As we stood by the bed, he began to kiss my neck and chest, a palpable, primal need radiated from him.I felt trapped in a flat, two-dimensional world, stripped of color and depth.Part of me wanted to push him away, but I couldn't bring myself to voice it; I couldn't bear the thought of disappointment clouding his eyes.What would be the outcome?I knew it was inevitable; it would come eventually.
“Are you okay?”he asked, halting as he sensed my coldness.His gaze bore into mine as he spoke, “You don't want to do this, not today, not ever.”The words stung, but they were undeniably accurate and painful.
“I'm sorry; it's been a tough day—one I didn't see coming,” I replied, attempting to lighten the mood.
“Tell me what happened.I heard about a break-in at a school.Was it yours?”I nodded in response.
“They wrote my name all over the classroom—on the walls, desks, cabinets, maybe even the floors.I can't remember it all,” I admitted, my gaze dropping to the floor.
“You should have told me,” he said softly.
“I know, I meant to, but then things turned out like this, and you were just so…” I smiled, trying to convey how much he meant to me.
“Do you know who did it?”I saw disappointment in his eyes, despite his attempt to be indifferent.I saw pain; I saw a crack I would never be able to repair.
“No, I don't,”I lied.I hadn't ever lied; I might not have told everything, but I never… Oh, wait, I had just lied to my mom earlier.But this was the first time I had lied to my best friend and my boyfriend, and I didn't even blink.Change was in the air, and it was not going the way I wanted—definitely not.
