Kel mutters what could be a curse or could just be a plain old growl, then storms over to a bag at the base of the cot. A white shirt and pair of woolen trousers get chucked haphazardly at my head.
I shrug them on and stand. “Hello to you too.”
“Would you like to explain yourself?” He turns to me. “Here I was thinking you and Caspian were trying to help the war effort. Instead, I see once again, he is good for one thing and one thing only. Sabotage.”
A flood of anger rushes through me. I fix my face in a matching glower. “Youasked me to meet you here tonight. Told me it was important to you. Caspian spent all day working withyouruncle to clear paths for Irahn’s scouts. It wasthis”—I gesture to myself—“or not make it at all. And here I was, naive as always, thinking you might be happy to see me!”
He crosses his arms. Goddamn him, dressed in firelight, he looks like a warrior prince. His hair falls in wavy lines down his face, dark brows lowered, and there’s a smattering of stubbleacross his jaw. “I thought Ezryn could keep you two in line. I see he’s no more responsible than Dayton or Farron.”
I roll my eyes in the most exaggerated manner I can muster. “Unlike you, Ez, Dayton, and Farron have some capacity forchange.”
Kel barks a laugh. “Then why are you here, Rosalina? You have three mates who will bend to whatever soft word you sing in their ear. You obviously prefer their company. Prefer the company of a man who’s earned your forgiveness with a few smooth lines and a charming smile despite the fact that he would see you on your knees before him if he had the chance.”
I press my palms into my eyes. “Oh my god, Kel. I’m not having this fight with you again.”
“This isn’t a fight,” he says. “It’s merely truth. Just because you refuse to face it doesn’t make it any less true.”
My anger gives way to defeat, and I stalk away from him to the tent flap. Pulling it back slightly, I look out, truly able to take it in with my own eyes this time. A flat, icy tundra stretches before us, the sunset like a gleaming ribbon across the horizon. Other tents of a similar style dot the surrounding area. A herd of reindeer mills nearby. The wind is so strong, I quickly close the flap. “I don’t know what to say to you anymore, Kel. You won’t break your curse. That’s your choice. I get it. But it’s my choice to be with Caspian or not. You accept it or you don’t.”
“I accept it because it doesn’t matter what you do with Caspian. It will always deliver you here to me. Where I can keep you safe.”
“So what is this?” I turn to hold his gaze. “Is this only about the mate bond, or do I factor in here at all?”
“What?” His voice is a gruff whisper.
A rush of emotion avalanches over me, feelings I’ve long been able to bury because there were always so many other things to worry about. Things like life and death and war. Things likeFarron and Ezryn and Dayton and Cas. But these feelings have lived within me since the first time I saw Kel’s blue gaze staring back at me in the prison cell at Castletree.
“Do you care formeat all?” I whisper, voice breaking. “Or is this only about the mate bond? Are you worried about me because I’m your mate or because I’mme?”
Kel doesn’t answer, face stony, eyes unblinking.
I wring my hands together, unable to look at him anymore. “I never questioned it with the others. Farron reminded me who I was. Ezryn saw me for more than my trauma. Dayton knew I could be brave. But you?” I make myself look up. “To you…I’ve always been a burden. Sure, there’ve been times when we can stand each other, but I’ve always been more trouble than I’m worth to you, haven’t I, Kel?”
His mouth opens, but no words come out.
“It’s okay,” I murmur. “I always kind of knew it. Ever since the beginning. I know our bond makes us feel protective over each other. I feel that from you, Kel, I do. But it doesn’t make us friends. It doesn’t make us…l-lo—” The word gets stuck in my throat, and I realize tears are springing to my eyes.
Because I didn’t want this to be the truth. I always imagined there would be a time when everything else would fade away and Kel would seeme. Beyond the mate bonds and bargains and curses. A woman he chose not because he had to but because he wanted to.
Because damn it if I wouldn’t choose him every lifetime.
“You…do not see us as friends,” he says lowly, wide eyes drifting to the fire. “Do not think we…”
“How can I?” I breathe. “The only interactions we’ve had lately have been screaming at each other. I get it. You tolerate me. It seems like the only times you pay attention to me are when I’m making a decision you disagree with?—”
“You write with your right hand but eat with your fork in your left hand.” His words are clipped, so low I can barely hear them.
“What?”
He looks up at me, and I realize his lips are quivering. “There’s a curl at the back of your head that always stands straight up, no matter how much Marigold tries to smooth it down.” He takes a shaky step toward me. “You make wishes on falling stars when you don’t think anyone’s listening. You hum to yourself.Constantly. You dog-ear pages in books, which Farronhates, by the way, but he’ll never tell you. But I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you, Rose, that I hated it when you didn’t dry off after leaving the hot springs, because you left drips all down the hallway, and it made it slippery. I hate that you take one bite of something and then put it back on the communal platter. Why can’t youfinishit or take it to your own plate?”
A choked laugh escapes me. “Sometimes I only want a taste?—”
He takes another step, towering over me. My breath catches in my throat. “I hate that you got all the staff reading and now I’m tripping over books everywhere at Castletree. I hate that I can’t take a sip of fyrana without becoming entirely intoxicated with thoughts of you.” He steps closer until we’re chest to chest. Firelight flickers across his face. “I hate that I am so overwhelmed with jealousy at all times, not because I don’t want you to be with anyone else but because I am so envious that they get to be with you without worry, without hesitation, without wondering what amount of pleasure will send you shooting from their arms.”
“Kel—” I whisper, but he cuts me off.
“I hate that you don’t think of me as your friend.” Now, his voice cracks, and he raises his hand as if to touch my face but drops it. “And it’s my fault. Because I can travel down to the depths of the Below, protect your father with my life, andcondemn my entire realm for you, but I can’t laugh with you. Can’t share stories or a lingering morning in bed. Not liketheycan. Not even likehecan.” The word isn’t said with venom but pain, a bone-deep pain. “Because you terrify me like no force has ever terrified me, Rose. If I have you, I lose you. And if I lose you, I will cease to be.”
