“Ezryn told me,” I say. “He ordered the attack.”
“He was manipulated into doing it by your mother’s soldiers. But you believed her over me. I felt it every moment we were together—you werewaitingfor me to give you any piece of evidence that I wasn’t completely and utterly devoted to you. But I was. You had me, body, soul, spirit. And you threw it away the first chance you could.”
My chest is an empty cavern, heartbeat only an echo. Kel’s words hit me with a dull thud. “You were the Sworn Protector of the Realms,” I whisper. “But you never protected me.”
“I tried, Cas. Stars know I tried. How could I save someone who ran from me at every opportunity?” Kel’s shoulders shake, and he stares at the ground, eyes unblinking, lost in memories.“How quick you were to abandon me, Cas. I thought you were braver than that.”
“It would have happened sooner or later.”
Kel lunges at me. “Never!”
“Yes, it would have,” I shout, forcing myself to stand. Why are we doing this to each other? How many years need to pass before we tire of this painful dance, going around in circles, exchanging blows? Because maybe Kel’s like me. If we stop hurting each other, it means there’s truly nothing left between us.
And how could I survive that?
I shake my head. “Drop the hero act for once in your life. I was your project to save, and once you realized I was beyond saving, you would have left. Maybe you didn’t order the army to attack my home, but it was inevitable.”
“You’re still doing it. Even now, I can never escape. When I reach for you, you shrink away. When I pull back, you haunt me like a shadow. It’storture, Cas.” A broken sound escapes him, and he clutches his wrist, squeezing the bracelet. “If only this damned thing would break and I could be free!”
“It will never break,” I spit, “because?—”
“I know. Because fuck?—”
“I’m still in love with you,” we say at the same time.
I blink at him. He stares at me. “What did you say?” I whisper.
It’s not possible. It’s my love, my cruel, wicked, evil love, that’s kept Kel in this bargain. If only I could have stopped loving him, then he would be free of me. Finally at peace. But if he… No, it’s not possible.
“I said,” Kel whispers, “I still love you.”
He steps toward me.
52
Keldarion
Caspian wavers like a specter. With his pitch-black hair anddark clothing, he’s a swirling pool of oil across the white horizon. His eyes can’t find purchase, darting from my face down to the ground. He wraps his arms around himself. “I don’t understand.”
But I do. I’ve known it this whole time and tried and tried to pretend it wasn’t true.
Caspian still loves me.
Every day, I’d look at the bracelet cuffing my wrist and beg my heart to stop loving him. Convinced myself I was the only one holding this tether between us. And there was nothing to be done, because Caspian had ruined my heart so entirely, it would never fully beat without him.
Maybe that’s still true.
Maybe I don’t want to be healed.
“Don’t lie to me, Kel,” Caspian gasps.
“I’m not lying.”
I don’t need to ask him if he is. It is as if my heart has been speaking in a language I do not understand but I suddenly have the ability to comprehend.He’s not lying. Caspian loves me.
And if he loves me, if he’s mates with Rosalina…
Why would he hurt us? Why would he bring to pass the future I saw in my vision?
