“Isn’t actually listening to you?”
“Yes!” I laugh. “I knew you were the right person to talk to.”
“There were more than a few times when I’d be talking to her and Liz about my issues with Jason.” Her asshole ex that we most definitely hated. “And she would say something about him being supportive after Miles died which he actually wasn’t. It was really annoying.”
“Ugh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that.”
“It’s okay. I didn’t want to cause any ripples in the group chat, so I left it alone. We’re fine now, though. What about Liz? Did you tell her?”
“Uhh… no? Too close to home, maybe. I don’t know.”
“And you know she’d fight you ’cause you’re her world and she loves you. And yeah, this might be a stupid idea.”
“I mean, Silas and the girls are her world, but yes, she would definitely have something to say about it.”
“Well, if you want my advice, I think you have to do it.”
“You do?” I say. I’m actually shocked. “I thought your brilliant hindsight would tell me to go running in the other direction.”
“That’s the smart move, but my brilliant hindsight also remembers what I felt like when I showed up looking for Shep again. I remember booking my flight and not telling you guys I was flying back to the scene of the crime to ask a man I barely knew to hug me ’cause I know you would have talked me out of it.”
“I would have asked to come along.”
“I know you would have,” Claudia laughs. “But Liz was not pleased with me at all.”
“No, she was ready to fuck you up.”
“Okay, how about this. In the interest of your safety, give me their info so at least one of us knows where you’re going and who you’ll be with and then I think you have, let say, two more weeks, and then you have to tell your sister if you think you’re going to keep seeing them.”
“I mean, I’m not seeing them. We’re just hanging out.”
“Hmm. Sure.”
“Whatever, bitch,” I laugh.
“You have fun with your little friends, but work up the courage to tell your sister. Even if nothing happens, she’s gonna be pissed if she finds out later. And hurt.”
“You’re right.”
“In the meantime, work your shit out. Trust me. It’s part of the process. You’ve done the mourning. It’s time to do something stupid. It’s another signpost on the road to better health.”
“Yeah,” I say. “Let’s go with that.”
* * *
I spend the next six days asking myself what the fuck I’m doing. I need to take care of myself and move on, but then I have another dream about Josh and when I’m awake, Vaughn is sending me texts and Shaw is waiting until I’m home from the office to send me lewd photos. I can’t think clearly, but whenever I think I’ve come to a decision, Claudia’s words ring truer than ever. I’m going through with this for now. Of course I am. This messy-ass shit with two men is now a part of my process.
The door is already open. I’ve already walked through it. There is no back, only forward, toward something good or another implosion. When I wake up early Saturday morning,notgoing is not an option. My alarm goes off and I’m in the shower. I’m gathering my things. I’m sending Claudia a text telling her I’m leaving. When I get into my car, I’m grateful that Noa has plans this weekend with her cousin, Rayna is still away at that wedding and Liz is busy with some toddler birthday business. No one will miss me. I’m free to be stupid as can be all weekend long.
I head toward the Cape, watching the scenery change from city to tree-shrouded highway to the low-grass beaches and tall pine trees that bring me to Shaw’s farmhouse. Something about it calms me and terrifies me all at the same time. What would it be like to have this as a place to go week after week? What would it be like to call this place home? I imagine the calm lasting. A promise of a good time. Vaughn’s gentle care. And Shaw’s ability to make me want to jump him and punch him in the face, all at the same time. What would it be like to really know them, to have them to depend on? I blink hard as I pull down Shaw’s street and force that thought to the realistic part of my mind. Maybe Mr. Right has all of those things rolled into one man. With the tattoos too. Definitely with the tattoos.
As I pull up to Shaw’s house, he’s coming out of the barn. I cut off the engine and watch as he walks over and waits. He doesn’t try to open my door for me. He doesn’t ask me what I’m doing just sitting behind the wheel and looking at him. We watch each other for a moment and then something clicks. He comes close and I open the door. I don’t get out.
“Hey,” I say, looking him up and down.
“Hey.” He comes closer and I sit still, my voice caught in my throat as he reaches over my lap and gets a firm grip on my thigh. I help him as he turns me in my seat, spreading my legs. I help him hike up the light fabric of my dress. I hold still as his fingers start to explore. I do my best not to squirm as he discovers how wet he’s made me in less than a minute.
“Shouldn’t we take this inside?” I ask as I inch my ass closer to the edge of the seat.
