“What are you thinking about?” Shaw asks her.
“I don’t know. It’s not a new revelation or anything, it just shocks me every time I think about it. No one has let me deal with this the way I want to deal with it yet. Well, not no one. My sister and my close friends have been great, but there’s still this, this wall. It’s like a comfort barricade or something. Of course, no one knows what to say when someone dies and it turns out they were cheating, but everyone seems to expect to only want to hear certain things from me.
“And that doesn’t even include Josh’s family, who I’m considering completely cutting off because somehow I’ve been their emotional rock and being the emotional rock for white people in this situation is about as fucked up as it sounds.”
“I think we’re having the opposite problem. Or an adjacent problem,” I say.
“What’s that?”
“Corrine’s family hates us and they banned us from the funeral,” Shaw responds.
“Why do they hate you?”
“Would your mother want you entering a full-time relationship with two men, especially if she thinks it’s just about sex?”
“Well, my mom’s dead.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I—”
“Thank you, it’s okay. And I’m not sure. I think she’d be more concerned about whether or not I was happy and my needs were being met. And if she liked the two guys.”
“Yeah, we never got that far.” Shaw sighs and leans back across the firm couch cushions.
“I’m sorry to hear that. We’ve known each other five seconds, but I like to hope that you treated her well. I have not enjoyed dealing with Josh’s family, but I think it would hurt way more if they shut me out. What would help you two? What would help you grieve?” She suddenly laughs. “I didn’t think this conversation would go this way, but whatever. Tell me what you need.”
“I don’t know,” Shaw says and I know he’s telling the truth. He’s hurting, but we both know there is no good way to get through this, the grief and the betrayal all wrapped up together. There’s no easy answer.
“I just want to see him smile again,” I say honestly. I can handle deep pits of my own personal hell, but I can’t stand to see Shaw hurting like this. I love him too much. He won’t look at me now because he knows that.
“You like titties, Chris?” Brooklyn suddenly says. “I can flash you. I’ll show these titties and put a smile right on that face.”
“Wow,” Shaw said, a laugh rumbling up from his chest. A genuine smile touching his face.
“See Vaughn, you just gotta shock him into it. Next time he’s sulking, slap him in the face with your dick. Perk him right up,” Brooklyn teased with a wink.
“I can see why his family is leaning on you,” I say.
“Oh, I know. I was cursed with a warm, caring personality and an amazing sense of humor. Brings all the boys to the yard. Makes it impossible for them to see you as a person while they are busy basking in your glow. Thought Josh was different, but I was wrong.”
The words tumble so easily for her and I can tell she’s said them before, but maybe not to the people who need to hear them most. Brooklyn Lewis has a way about her, that’s for sure.
“What do you need?” I ask her.
“Not sure if I’m ready to admit that to you yet, Vaughn. This is also whyIcan’t go to a therapist and I’m getting secondhand tips from my friends.”
“Why?” Shaw asks.
“I’m bottled up too tight. Don’t get me wrong, I’m in touch with my feelings. I know everything that’s going on inside. The why and the how and how it tastes and how it smells. But I can’t articulate it.”
“Why?” Shaw asks again, with more tenderness this time. He really wants to know and so do I.
“Uh, let’s just say that when the interior is at odds with the exterior, it’s hard to get the validation you need. You’re a tall, strong man. You work with your hands. Say you’re deathly afraid of spiders,” she says to Shaw.
“He is,” I can’t help but mess with him a bit. He smiles a little and my heart inflates a bit more.
“There you go. I’m sure your punk boyfriend—who is just blowing up all your secrets—believes your phobia is real, but if you told most people daddy long legs pushed you to tears and blubbering, it would be hard for them to believe it. They’d have to see you break down and then they’d have to love and respect you enough not to judge you for it. Make that commitment not to make you handle the spiders anymore. Or help you with your fear, if that’s what you want.”
“Okay, so what’s your big scary spider,” Shaw asks.
