“What?!”
“Do. Not,” she says in her best mom tone. “I’m not the one. Okay, bitch? I want to know exactly what happened out there with the mountain man and I want to know exactly what you’ve been doing since you got back. I know Mode is the real deal, but I refuse to believe you don’t have time to see me, like ever.”
“Liz.”
She doesn’t budge. She just crosses her arms and glares right back at me. “Try again.”
“Fine.” I throw up my hands. “Where do you want me to start? With the fact that I’m pretty sure I had a psychotic break and decided not to seek help for it or with the fact that Shep is the most amazing man I have ever met in my entire life and he professed his love to me before I threw up the two fingers and left him hanging so I could rush back here to meet Vivianne. And I don’t know, how about I sprinkle in a little of how I feel like I don’t think I know how to process basic human emotions anymore.”
Her mouth drops open. “Oh babe.”
“Or maybe we can talk about how I lost my shit up there like a minimum of five times and he handled it perfectly. And I’m not talking like a perfect medical professional. I’m talking marriage material, this is how you want a man to hold you for the rest of your life type shit. Like you know he can handle anything you throw at him, calm and cool.”
“Babe.”
“Work is kicking my ass. Kleinman’s was a walk in the park compared to Mode. Vivianne is a genius and she is demanding as fuck, but you’re right. I’m not working all the time. I just feel like I can’t slow down.”
“Why not?”
“Cause I’ll want to call him, I’ll want toseehim. Cause I’ll lose my shit again. Cause I’ll have to face the fact that I’m still in fucking agony over Miles and I somehow managed to just pile on when it comes to Shep. I should have never gone out there. I feel like if I can't see him I might as well avoid everyone and everything else.”
“Damn,” Liz says as she lets out a big breath. She opens the rosé and pours us both a healthy glass. We both take large sips. It warms my chest and I feel my body start to really heat for the first time in weeks. I hate it. “How do you feel about him? Really.”
“I don’t know. I feel crazy. That’s how I feel.”
“Why? Why do you feel crazy?”
“Because I love him,” I say honestly and the fat tears come. “I really wasn't trying to ignore you and the girls. I just, anything but work feels like too much right now.” More tears. Silent, but still streaming down my face. Liz grabs the box of tissues off my coffee table. I grab a few from the box but I don’t bother to wipe my face. “I quit Kleinman’s because I felt like I could never come to work again without people whispering about me. Do you know how weird it feels to know that people are constantly telling every new person who gets hired that you were almost murdered?
“Like everyone was so nice and sympathetic, but no one could treat me like myself. I felt like a movie of the week. I was soangry. I loved working there and no one would just let me go back to work. I just wanted to feel like myself again. I just wanted to be myself and no one there would let me.”
“And Shep made you feel like yourself again?”
“He made me feel like I am different now and that’s… expected.”
Liz reaches over and squeezes my hand. “Babe, it is. I wasn’t the same after I lost my parents. I’ll never be that girl again. Same with Brook. Some things about her are the same, but she was very different from the person you know now. Loss like that does change you. You know that.”
“Yeah. He’s a part of the orphan club too. And he said some things about having to shoot that guy to protect me. I think it really fucked him up.”
“See!”
I laugh and wipe my face. “There was the sex too.”
“Oh thank god. I was worried for a second. Three thousand miles is way too far to travel for no sex. Tell me literally everything.” I do. Or at least I give her the general overview and some of the dirtier details. I see nearly every emotion pass over her face by the time I get to the bondage and the flogging. And then I tell her about Sarah.
“I think he found something in me he couldn’t find in her and then I just left him. It sucks. He’s amazing and he’s just up there all alone. With his dog. And he is married to that mountain. I don’t think I could ask him to come here to visit. He thrives off fresh mountain air. The smell of the subway alone would kill him.”
She sighs. “That is tough, but you’re… you’re not responsible for him in that way,” she says with a little grimace.
“I know. I know you’re right. But—”
“But you really have feelings for this guy?”
“I think I do and they are so fucking complicated. Did I Florence Nightingale a dude because he saved me or do I really lovehim?” I grab my phone and pull up the pictures that I’ve been purposefully avoiding for weeks. I hand Liz my phone. She gasps and then makes an awwwing noise.
“Laudi, you two look so cute.”
I groan and sit back against the corner of my couch. “There’s more.” I take my phone back and pull up the emails Shep sent me. I show her all the pictures he took of just me. I watch Liz as her eyes grow wide.
