I try not to think about Sarah, but it’s impossible. She’s in every fucking corner of my mind and every fucking wall of this house. When Titus and I step back inside, I can hear the shower is off. I find Claudia in my bedroom. She’s still naked, digging through one of her bags. The towel she’d borrowed is wrapped around her hair. I look at her body, her brown skin tinted red from the heat of the water.
“Hey,” I say.
She turns and looks at me. “Did I say something wrong?”
I look at the bottle of lotion in her hand. “No. And I need to apologize for making you feel like you did. I need to be honest with you right now because I don’t think I can change my whole personality overnight. Just like you can’t be boldly honest, I can’t predict when this … shitty part of my past is going to spring up in my mind and turn me into a massive dick.”
She smirks a bit. “Okay. Go on.”
“Come with me a sec.”
“Are we going outside? Do I need to put on boots at least?”
“No. You’re fine just the way you are.” I hold out my hand. She crosses the room and wraps her fingers around mine. I lead her into my office that I never use.
I give her a minute to look around at the boxes I have stacked in the corner, the loft bed that’s stacked with odds and ends that belonged to my grandparents. Some of my mom’s things. The dust on most of the surfaces is pretty obvious to me. I’m not sure if she sees it.
“This was my room,” I tell her. “It was my mom’s room and when I remodeled the house it was going to be a nursery.”
Her head snaps in my direction and I realize what I just said.
“I didn’t lose a kid.”
“Oh. Okay. What happened?”
“I had a girlfriend who I wanted to marry. She knew how things were for me. What I... need.”
“She couldn’t do it?”
“No, she couldn’t but she made me think she could and she made me think she wanted to. I tried to turn this place into a real home for us. I proposed, but she split with some guy who she met online.”
“Yeah, that’s shitty.”
“I’m not trying to get you to take her place. You’re only staying a week.”
“Oh. I didn’t think that.”
“Nah, I just—I know how to dominate someone who is already in that headspace. The, uh, the woman I deal with in LA is a submissive twenty-four seven. She’s been in the lifestyle for over ten years. I have it very easy with her. I know I take that for granted. I don’t know how to dominate someone who could possibly just be going along with what I want just to make me happy. Or for whatever reason. I know it feels like we’re going in circles here, but when you said ‘Sir,’ that’s why it reminded me of her. Of my ex. She used to tease me like that. When we finally talked about shit, she said it was my fault. I was pushing her.”
“You don’t think I want you to dominate me for real.”
“It’s just where my head’s at.”
She steps in front of me and puts her hand on my chest. “If you did believe that I wanted you to dominate me, what would you do to me right now?”
I figure I might as well tell the truth. There’s no harm in hypotheticals. “I’d have you get on your knees right now and I’d fuck your mouth.”
“Okay.”
I watch Claudia as she pulls the towel off her hair and starts to fold it in half. She folds it in half again. She steps back just enough to place it on the floor. Then she kneels in front of me.
“You were saying?”
Nine
Claudia
Shep seemsa whole lot taller when I’m down on my knees. A lot more imposing than the gentle giant he’s proved himself to be in the last twenty-four hours. His brain also seems to be working overtime because he’s just staring at me. Whatever happened between him and his ex really did a number on him, but I get it, finally. He takes this submission thing very seriously and it only works for him when he’s with people who take it seriously too. I like to tease him. I like to tease everyone, it’s my nature, but I’m not trying to make fun of him.
