And I maintained a small force and have been rebuilding the empire I gave up, regaining those connections, so I can keep her safe.
She turns to face me, and the pain in her eyes makes my chest ache. “I’m not asking you to be perfect. I’m asking you to choose. Really choose. Our family or your empire.”
“It’s not that simple.” I reach for her, but she steps back. “Too many people depend on me. My men, their families, the legitimate businesses that employ hundreds of workers. If I show weakness now, someone will move in to fill the vacuum.”
“So we’re trapped.” Her laugh is bitter. “Trapped in a life of violence because you’re too afraid to truly leave it behind.”
The accusation ignites my temper. “I’m not afraid. I’m being realistic. I’m trying to protect you and our baby while building something legitimate. But that takes time.”
“How much time?” She moves closer, her voice rising. “How long until you’ve transitioned completely? Will our child be in school by then, learning to duck when they hear gunshots?”
“That’s not fair.”
“None of this is fair!” Her voice breaks. “I didn’t ask for this life. I didn’t ask to fall in love with a man who can’t seem to leave violence behind. But I did, and now I’m carrying his child, and I don’t know how to protect them from the world you’ve created.”
The admission that she loves me should make me feel victorious. Instead, it just makes the guilt heavier. “I love you too. That’s why I’m doing this. Why I’m trying to change, why I’m building the legitimate businesses.”
“But you’re not changing fast enough.” She wipes at her tears with the back of her hand. “Every day I wake up wondering if this will be the day someone comes for us. If this will be the day our baby pays the price for your past.”
I close the distance between us and cup her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me. “I will do whatever is necessary to protect you and our child. Whatever it takes. But I am trying to go legitimate. It’s just not that easy. You have to understand that.”
“I understand that you’re still the same man.” She searches my face, looking for something I’m not sure I can give her. “You say you’re changing, but I heard you on that phone. You sounded exactly like the pakhan, not like a legitimate businessman.”
“Because I’m frustrated.” I lean down, my forehead nearly touching hers. “This official is threatening everything I’ve built. He’s demanding bribes that could bankrupt the construction company. I have every right to be angry.”
“Angry enough to eliminate him?” Her voice drops to a whisper. “What does that really mean, Mikhail? Because in your world, elimination usually involves a body bag.”
“Not this time.” I stroke my thumbs across her cheekbones, feeling the dampness of her tears. “I swear to you, I’m handling this legally. But I can’t control how I sound when I’m angry. I can’t control the words I use when I’m dealing with people who are trying to destroy what I’ve built.”
She’s quiet for a long moment, her blue eyes studying mine. I can see the war playing out behind them, the battle between her love for me and her fear for our child’s future.
“I want to believe you,” she says finally. “I want to believe that you can really change. But Mikhail, I need more than words. I need to see it.”
“I’m trying to be that man.” I lean in, needing to feel her lips against mine, needing the connection that always grounds us. “But you have to meet me halfway. You have to trust?—”
She turns her head at the last second, and my lips brush her cheek instead. The rejection is like a knife to the gut.
“I can’t.” She pushes against my chest, and I let her create distance between us. “I can’t stand to see you fall down this hole again. To turn to violence first and kill people to get rid of a problem.”
“I’m not?—”
“You are.” Her voice is steady now, all traces of tears gone. “Maybe not today, maybe not with this official. But eventually, you’ll slip back into your old ways. And I won’t be there to watch it happen.”
My heart pounds against my ribs. “What are you saying?”
She meets my gaze, and I see the determination there mixed with the pain. “I’m saying that if you can’t put the violencebehind you, if you can’t truly commit to going legitimate, then I’ll leave. I’ll take our baby and disappear, and you’ll never find us.”
43
SOPHIA
The cramping starts again as I sit at the small desk in my room, my laptop open to yet another website about witness protection programs.
I press my hand against my lower abdomen, willing the pain to subside.
It’s been happening more frequently over the past few weeks, sharp little reminders that something isn’t right with this pregnancy.
I should tell Mikhail. I know I should.
