“Rex, you can’t even say Bhodi’s name. It's always my brother or your best friend. That tells me all I need to know about how ready you are. I can do this on my own. I’ve been doing it alone for eight years now,” she says, bringing up the one thing I hoped she hadn’t noticed.
“I know I can’t, Doll. It hurts too much to say his name. If I’m bein’ honest, I don’t even think it if I can help it. In eight years, I think I’ve said his name just a handful of times and it almost broke me every single time. It’s time I start livin’ in the present and start livin’ in his memory instead of keepin’ himlocked up in the past,” I tell her as she wraps her arms tighter around me.
“Okay. You can stay at theJeepif you want. You don’t have to walk up to his grave with me,” she says, leaving the bedroom as I get a few minutes for myself because I don’t honestly know if I’m ready to go to the cemetery, but I know this is something I have to do.
After taking several deep breaths, I make sure I have all of my stuff and leave the room. Taleah is in the kitchen grabbing a bottle of water. There’s a fresh bouquet of flowers on the counter she picks up and makes her way toward me. The two of us leave the house and I make sure the door is locked after setting the alarm so no one can get in the house without me knowing about it. She walks to her car and I join her to open the door for her. Taleah won’t ever open her own door if I’m with her. I grew up watching my dad open every single door for my mom and others and it stuck. My sister and Taleah never opened their own door when I was with them.
Taleah hands me her keys before I close her door and I jog around the front of herJeepto get in the driver’s seat. My girl actually loves driving but she knows if I’m with her, I drive. She used to fight me, but soon realized I’m more stubborn than she is. Getting in, I start the engine while adjusting the seat. Every single time I smash my knees against the steering wheel because Taleah is so much shorter than I am. It’s a lesson I’ve never learned and she laughs each time she sees me. Today is no different.
When I’m finally comfortable in the driver’s seat, I pull out of her driveway and leave the house. We ride to the cemetery in silence. There isn’t even music playing. Taleah shut it off as soon as I started herJeep.I pull up and find the parking lot empty. Today is a gorgeous day and I thought there would beothers here. Instead, it will only be the two of us. I think this is better because I’m not letting her go to the grave on her own.
We get out of theJeepand I follow her slow steps to the tree he’s buried next to. Taleah already has tears running down her face as we finally reach her brother’s final resting place. I watch as she cleans off his headstone before removing a few pieces of debris from the ground. She carefully sets the flowers down in front of his headstone and stands back up again.
“Do you want to have a minute alone with him?” she asks me, her voice breaking as she wraps her arms around her body while keeping her eyes pointed down at the stone with a picture of her brother.
“Yeah. Um, I think I would,” I say, my own voice choked off with emotion as she leans in to press her lips against my cheek before leaving me alone.
Kneeling down, I rest a hand on the cold stone with my best friend’s name.
“I don’t know what the hell I’m doin’ here, Bhodi,” I begin, making myself say his name because he deserves it. “I’ve been a shitty friend for the last eight years and left you alone. I never once came to see you after the day you were buried. There was always an excuse ready to be told to anyone who asked me. I was too busy. I was only home on leave for a short period of time. Or I didn’t come home at all. Bhodi, I fucked up and I’m the reason you lost your life. If I had been at the party that night, you would have never gotten in the fight. I would have been beatin’ the fuck out of the dipshit instead. Maybe I would have been the one to hit my head and drown in that pool. I don’t know.
“The very next night, I made Taleah think I was cheatin’ on her. I lost eight years with the love of my life. All because of the death of my grandma. When we lost her, I didn’t know howto handle it. My heart broke and I vowed to never feel that kind of pain ever again. That’s why I started to push you all away. If you weren’t close to me and I didn’t keep lettin’ you all in my life the way I had been, then I couldn’t get hurt if somethin’ happened to you again. At least that’s what I kept tellin’ myself. It’s the reason I didn’t go to the party that night with the three of you and why I stopped answerin’ your calls and messages. You were closer to me than anyone else and I knew if I lost you it would kill me. In the end, I lost you anyway. I regret pushin’ you away so much, Bhodi. I’ve carried the weight of guilt on my shoulders every single day for the last eight years.
“I lived out our dreams, Bhodi. I enlisted and served eight years in the military. Found a great team and we’re still together now. I saw things overseas I would never wish anyone else to witness. Tragedies, atrocities with the way people are forced to live, and seein’ how vile enemies are when you’re in their territory. I watched kids lose their lives because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Our team made the decision to leave the military together because we couldn’t stand seein’ everythin’ we did knowin’ we couldn’t do anythin’ to stop it from happenin’ because we’d be given orders to stand down. Now, I’m in a motorcycle club with the guys from my team and several others who have joined us. You’d love them, Bhodi. They’d love you, too.
“The last thing I want to say today is that I’m back with Taleah. I missed out on eight years with her and I often find myself wonderin’ where we’d be if I didn’t fuck everythin’ up. If we’d be married with a few kids. Maybe we would have broken up because we were both young. I was stupid for the way I treated her back then and we promised one another it won’t ever be like that again. We talk about things and I enjoy the time we spend just talkin’ about our future and how things are goin’between the two of us. I’ve been in love with her since we were little and it hasn’t ever stopped. Like I told her, I tried to fuck other women and push her out of my mind and heart. It didn’t work. All it did was make me feel like shit and think of her even more.
“Bhodi, I want to marry your sister. I want to have a family and live every damn day like it was my last with her. Together we’re already creatin’ memories I’ll cherish for the rest of my life. We’ll continue creatin’ them in your memory, livin’ the way you’d want to live your life. If we ever have a son, I want to name him after you because you are the reason I live my life the way I do. You taught me to live free while also protectin’ those I love with every beat of my heart. You showed me what it means to be a real man like our dads. Together we were unstoppable and I want any child I have to live the same way. I’ll encourage them in their dreams and be the best form of support they have. I miss you every fuckin’ day and you willalwaysbe my best friend,” I say, letting my tears fall free as I pick at the blades of grass in front of me.
When I go silent, a breeze picks up and I immediately look to the sky above me. A cloud moves so it’s no longer blocking the sun as the tree next to me sways with the wind. This is Bhodi’s sign that he’s here with us and is listening to every word I just told him. I can’t stop the smile from spreading on my face as I let my eyes slide closed and simply enjoy the sun and breeze surrounding me.
“Love you, Bhodi. I promise to treat your sister like the queen she is and I will come back to see you soon,” I say as I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder and know without looking it’s my girl.
Taleah doesn’t say a word to me as I stand and she moves to stand in front of me. While she presses her body into mineand wraps her arms around me, Taleah looks over her shoulder at the grave.
“He’s here with us,” she whispers as fresh tears fall from her eyes and a smile graces her beautiful face. “For the longest time, this is the only place I ever truly felt at peace and was filled with a sense of calm. Now, I have that feeling when I’m with you. You’re my home, Rex. Wherever you are is where I’ll be. I love you. I’m so damn proud of you for taking this step and doing something you haven’t done before. Something that is breaking you while also putting you back together again.”
Taleah is right. Coming to the cemetery for the first time and talking to Bhodi broke me all over again. It feels as if my heart is shattering while also being put back together again because he wouldn’t want me to continue carrying the guilt of his death on my shoulders. He’d want me to live with his memory filling me while spending each day I get to wake up living as if I’ve never been hurt in my life. The cracks in my heart are slowly starting to heal and I know I will no longer avoid coming to the cemetery to see Bhodi. I’ll speak his name and allow myself to think of him instead of pushing those memories to the back of my mind.
“I love you, Doll. Thank you for bringin’ me here today. I needed to come so I could start healin’. Bhodi would want me here with you because I know deep down you’re the entire reason my heart still beats and I haven’t given up before now. You make me want to be the best version of myself and stop holdin’ onto things that are keepin’ me from truly livin’ my life the way I always said I would,” I tell her as I lean down to press my lips against hers.
We don’t deepen the kiss but simply live in the moment. The breeze picks up a little more as I pull back and Taleah starts laughing.
“I don’t think Bhodi liked you kissing his baby sister,” she jokes as I start laughing with her.
Taleah reaches up and wipes the tears from my eyes and face with gentle hands. She leaves one hand on my face as I place my hands on her hips and just hold her. After a few minutes, we tell Bhodi goodbye and start the slow walk back to the parking lot. Taleah plays Bhodi’s favorite song on the way home and we sing along with the windows open and the warm air filling theJeeparound us. The rest of the day we spend wrapped up in one another on the couch, talking about Bhodi and how we want to live our lives for him moving forward. I didn’t know this was the day I needed to have, but it is. I’ve taken a major step forward thanks to my Doll.
Chapter Thirty
Taleah
SUNDAY IS MY favorite day of the week. Fantasy Realm is closed and I don’t allow myself to do anything work related at all. The day is for me and whatever I want to do. Some weekends it’s lounging around the house doing absolutely nothing. Other days it’s spent cleaning and rearranging the house because I’ve become bored with how it looks. Now, it’s the one day of the week I know I’ll see Rex and I won’t be the one who has to leave. If one of us leaves, it’s him because of club business or something for F.D. Security. Today, he’s at the clubhouse because Count needs help with something. He left before the sun was up and doesn’t know when he’ll be back. Honestly, it’s the same way Rex has always been. If he gets a call from someone needing help for any reason, he’s right there doing whatever he can. It’s one of the reasons I love him as much as I do. Rex is such a giving person and never takes credit for what he does.
As I lounge on the couch after cleaning the entire house, a knock sounds at my front door. Confusion fills me because I wasn’t expecting anyone to come see me today. I slowly walk over and open the door to find my parents standing there. I didn’t think they were supposed to be back from their business trip yet.
“Mom. Dad. What are you doing here?” I ask, stepping aside so they can come into the house.
“We got back early from our trip and I wanted to come see my Baby Girl,” my dad answers as he looks around theliving room until his eyes land on the fireplace where Bhodi is featured.
