“DOLL, WE CAN’T keep goin’ like we have been. We need to have that conversation,” I say when the silence continues to stretch and neither one of us moves to start the movie.
“I know. I was just thinking the same thing. I want to hear what you meant when you said things back then weren’t what they looked like, but I have to tell you something first. Something really huge only Elara knows about,” Taleah says and I can feel the nervous energy filling the room as she bites her lip. It’s a nervous habit she’s had for as long as I’ve known her.
“You can tell me anythin’, Doll,” I tell her, turning to face her completely so she has all of my attention.
“After that party and Bhodi’s funeral, I thought I was pregnant. Didn’t get my period, I was throwing up, and everything. I took a home test and it came out so faint I wasn’t sure if it was positive or not. Elara took me to the clinic and I had a blood test done. It came back negative,” she says while averting her gaze from me as I take a few minutes to process what she’s just said. “The doctor told me it was more than likely the stress of everything I’d been through over the previous few days. I would have told you if I were pregnant. I’m not sure how I would have told you, but I would have.”
“Fuck, Doll. That’s a lot to deal with all at once. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you durin’ that time. I would have been at your side no matter what the results were. Honestly, I still would have enlisted in the military, but I would have taken you with meonce you graduated from school. You wouldn’t have been alone, Taleah. All of our parents would have kicked my ass and your brother would have killed me,” I say, meaning every single word. I’d never leave a child of mine behind for any reason. Especially not a child with Taleah. She’s the only one I have ever envisioned having kids with.
“Now, what did you mean when you told me what I saw wasn’t what it seemed?” she asks me, her voice smaller than normal as she prepares herself for what I’m about to tell her.
“I’m gonna start at the beginnin’, Doll. You have to know it all in order to fully understand why I did what I did and the reasons I acted so differently when we were around anyone other than your brother and Elara,” I tell her as she looks at me and settles back in the corner of the couch.
“Whatever makes it easier for you, Rex. I’m not going anywhere,” she says as I lean closer to her and rest my elbows on my knees.
“You were there when we lost my grandma. While you were mainly there for Elara, you made sure you were there for me when I’d let you close. I started pushin’ everyone away and didn’t want anyone close to me. Includin’ your brother. Losin’ my grandma absolutely shredded my heart and broke somethin’ deep inside me. Then it was only what, two weeks later when everythin’ happened with your brother. All of you had called or messaged me that day wantin’ me to go to the party with the three of you. I didn’t answer any of you. My parents weren’t home so I grabbed some beer and went to the football field. While your brother was gettin’ in that fight and then fallin’ into the pool, I was drinkin’ on the fifty yard line. I was still there when I got the call from my dad to tell me what happened. Instead of ridin’ my bike back home, I walked there and managed to get up to my room without anyone seein’ me.
“That night I didn’t sleep for a second. Every instinct in me told me to go to you and hold you in my arms so I could comfort you. You were there and watched everythin’ happen. Yeah, my sister was there with you and you had your parents. They weren’t me, though. Instead, I forced myself to stay in bed, starin’ at the ceilin’ and relivin’ all of our memories. For the second time in two weeks, I cried until I had no more tears to shed. That was also the night I promised myself I would never allow another person to get close to me. I devised the plan to completely push you away knowin’ there was another party the next night and if you heard I was there, you’d go.
“I didn’t touch a drop of alcohol that night and I was alone until I saw you and Elara walk through the door. That’s when I grabbed the closest girl to me and let her touch me. Every touch made me want to throw up. Instead, I suffered through that shit while watchin’ you the entire time. I saw the devastation in your eyes, the red streaks on your face from the tears you’d been cryin’ for the last day, and then I watched as the light dimmed from your eyes. That’s when the girl grabbed my hand and led me upstairs. I saw Elara and you leave the party. The second you disappeared, I pushed that girl away and left the party on my own. Inevercheated on you, Doll. That’s somethin’ I could never do. The only reason I made it look that way is because I knew you’d realize I was pushin’ you away if I did anythin’ else,” I tell her and watch on as tears start falling from her eyes. Instead of reaching out to wipe them away like I want to, I keep my hands folded together.
Neither one of us says a word as I give her time to process what I’ve just told her. Plus, I need to gather myself and think about how I want to tell her about the other part of our past. Why I treated her the way I did when we were in public.
“Damn, Rex. That fucking sucks. I really needed you and you weren’t there. Everyone else was there for me and you chose to make me believe you would rather cheat on me than face the reality of the situation we were all dealing with. Do you know how much that hurt me? You shattered my heart and ripped my soul from my body. What was left to shatter and rip away, that is. Losing Bhodi absolutely broke me. I’ve never been the same since that night. Elara and I literally watched him die in that pool. Your sister held me back so I wouldn’t jump in the deep end and die right next to him with several other people. I fought every single one of them with every ounce of strength I had to get to Bhodi.
“What only Elara knows is that the asshole Bhodi fought that night didn’t just harass me. He was trying to pull me away so he could rape me. The asshole tried to drug me. When that didn’t work, he was simply going to pull me away and lock me in a room with him. Every single technique the two of you taught me was used on him. Bhodi saw me fighting him off and that’s when he rushed over and started fighting him,” she informs me as my heart is ripped from my chest and I realize Bhodi would have killed the fucker if he knew the truth of the situation. This entire situation just got a lot worse than I believed it would be.
“Fuck, Doll. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that. You have no idea the guilt I carry with me every fuckin’ day about your brother. If I had been at the party that night, he’d still be here. He wouldn’t have drowned in the pool and our lives would be completely different than they are now. Your brother wouldn’t have ever allowed me to make you believe I cheated on you,” I tell her as my eyes fill with tears and I don’t hold them back because the guilt has never felt heavier than in this moment.
“You couldn’t have changed anything, Rex. If you were there, you would have been drinking right along with my brother. Yes, you could have pulled him out of the pool. But Bhodi still could have lost his life. He hit his head and was knocked out. There could have been damage done I don’t know about. What I know is I saw Bhodi die in front of me and it was the worst night of my life,” Taleah says as she leans forward and pulls me into her arms.
The two of us hold one another and mourn our shared loss of one of the best men I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing. Taleah’s brother will always be in our hearts and in so many of our memories. We’ll never forget him as we move forward with our lives. Something I haven’t allowed myself to do if I really think about things. Yeah, I have friends and people I call brother. However, none of them are as close to me as the kid I met so long ago and bonded with in a second.
“There’s more I have to tell you, Doll. Things that will hopefully make you understand why I acted the way I did in public, I tell her when I finally pull back. I don’t let go of Taleah and bring her into my side so her head is resting on my shoulder and her hand is laying on my stomach. It’s a way we used to sit all the time and for the first time in eight years, I realize how badly I’ve missed having her in my arms.
“What do you mean?” she asks me, looking up as she tilts her head back.
“For starters, there’s a reason I never allowed you on the back of my bike. When your brother and I first got them, we were nowhere near ready to have a passenger with us. We needed to get used to the bikes and understand what it truly means to ride. Even when I’d been ridin’ for the two years we were together, I still wasn’t ready to put you behind me. Every aspect of your safety was completely in my hands. I would be the oneresponsible for makin’ sure I didn’t crash with you on the back. Yeah, you had full ridin’ gear, but that only protects you so much in a crash. I didn’t have the confidence to ride anywhere with you like your brother did. I know it hurt you so much to see me take other girls on rides, but there’s also a reason why I did. Back then, I thought if I took other people on a ride, I’d know how to handle my bike differently with a passenger. I was gettin’ used to someone bein’ behind me so when you finally sat in your seat, it would be the last time anyone else ever rode with me. I pushed you away completely before that happened,” I finally admit why I never took her for a ride with me and it feels as if part of the weight I’ve been carrying is finally gone.
“You could have told me that, Rex. I would have understood it to a point if you talked to me instead of keepin’ it to yourself,” she tells me, not moving away from my body but presses even closer to me.
“I realize that now, Doll. It’s taken me eight years to really think about everythin’ and understand how ridiculous I was bein’. Which leads me to why I treated you so different in public and why I had a hard time takin’ you out on dates. You and Elara were already gettin’ bullied in school. It’s no surprise your brother and I were popular and had the attention of all the girls. They were constantly hittin’ on us and beggin’ for dates. I refused to be another reason you got bullied. If the girls we went to school with knew we were together, they would have come after you so much harder. We both know that’s the truth. So, I thought if I acted like you were nothin’ more than my best friend’s sister, they wouldn’t add on to your torment. Elara told your brother if he pulled the same shit, she’d kick him in the ‘boy parts’. Her words not ours. He believed her and made it public knowledge they were together. Do you remember the girlscomin’ at her harder because of that?” I ask her, needing her to be on the same page as I am right now.
“I do. They were brutal when the two of you weren’t around us. While most of them were okay with me in the beginning because they wanted to get closer to Bhodi, no one ever treated Elara good. I think it’s because we moved here and you guys grew up with everyone we went to school with. They already knew she couldn’t be used to get to you,” Taleah says, rubbing her hand up and down my stomach like she used to. My muscles flex with every move of her hand as they used to with each touch from her.
“That’s why I acted so indifferent toward you when we were together. It wasn’t because I didn’t love you or want the world to know you were my girl. It’s because I wanted to protect you and that’s the only way I could think of doin’ it,” I tell her, tilting her head up again so she can see the truth of my words.
“What about Bhodi’s funeral, Rex? You never showed up for that,” she asks me the one question I was hoping to avoid.
“I was there, Taleah. No one saw me because I remained hidden in the trees. I was a fuckin’ mess and didn’t want anyone to see me so damn low. I was honestly ready to climb in the coffin with my best friend and it wouldn’t have bothered me at all. Instead, I stayed out of view and listened to every word spoken about him. I listened to you give the eulogy and every instinct in me wanted me to go to you as you sobbed while speakin’ about your brother. You could hardly stay on your feet because you were so completely broken. Part of that was my fault while the rest was from the weight of the loss you felt for your brother. I knew everyone believed I didn’t show up for my best friend, but I did,” I answer her as she looks up at me while crying again and I let a few of my own tears fall from my eyes becauseit’s so hard to even think about my best friend without becoming emotional.
Taleah thinks about what I’ve said for a few minutes and doesn’t say anything. She simply looks at me and processes everything I told her. We’ve gone over a lot of shit and it’s been a long day already. She might not say much else to me tonight. I can see how exhausted she is. Taleah surprises me though.
“I forgive you, Rex. I don’t want to keep holding onto the pain and hurt we’ve caused one another for so long. I’m not sure I can say I truly understand all the reasons why you did what you did, but now I know I wasn’t the problem. Did you even know I thought you acted that way because I wasn’t good enough for you?” she asks me, her voice sounding weak and small as my tank tops starts getting wet from her tears.
“That thought never even crossed my mind, Doll. If it did, I would have talked to you back then. I never would have allowed you to think there is anythin’ wrong with you. You’re perfect in every way and I have loved you for so much longer than I ever thought possible. You’ve been the only girl in my heart and on my mind for eight years. I’m not gonna say I haven’t fucked around because I have. None of them ever had a hold on me the way you do. Taleah, I’m still in love with you. You have owned my heart and soul from that very first night. No matter what I tried to do to get over you, it didn’t work,” I admit to Taleah and myself for the first time.
“I’ve always loved you, Rex. Even when I was with TJ, I always compared him to you and you would come to my mind if I was doing something that reminded me of our past. Every memory from my childhood after we met involves you in one way or another. I’m not saying I can give you a second chance, but we can start slow. Hang out as friends and see whathappens,” she says and I know I have to abide by that because this is her show moving forward.
