Taleah
I WAS JUST at Bhodi’s grave a few days ago, but I’m here again today. We thought TJ would go in front of the judge the day after he was arrested, but that didn’t happen for some reason. They made him wait a few days and he had his first appearance today. That was all I knew until Elara called to give me the update. Now, I need to share the news with my brother because my parents left for another business trip late last night. They were going to stay home and do everything online, but I told them to go. Neither one of them need to watch over me like I’m a baby. TJ is behind bars and he can’t hurt me again. At least not personally. This time, I have the flowers I didn’t bring the other day as well. I always feel bad when I don’t come with something to leave for my brother.
Walking up to his grave is as hard as it was the last time I was here. The ground is so uneven my walker has a hard time moving in the grass. I don’t use the walkways because it’s too far from where he’s buried. Plus, I hate running into other people while I’m here. We’re all grieving and here to pay respects to friends and loved ones. It’s like private time I hate intruding on when I know how much I’m hurting deep inside. I look at others and wonder if they carry the same guilt that weighs me down heavily on a daily basis. The one time I chose to take the path, I ran into an older gentleman who was visiting his wife and son. He was crying and I gave him a napkin I had in my bag so he could wipe his face. He thanked me and told me all about his family. The man was the only surviving member afterlosing his wife and son and it broke my heart to see and hear how devastated he was. The same devastation I feel when I think of Bhodi.
Whenever I think of my brother, I can’t help but wonder if Elara and him would still be together or if they would have broken up when my brother left for the military. I doubt that would have happened because they were so in love. I think of him getting married and standing up at his bride’s side. Of the children he’d have by now. My brother’s life was tragically cut short and it’s all because of me. If I didn’t attend that party with them that night as a third wheel, Bhodi would still be here. He wouldn’t have gotten into a fight after he’d been drinking. I’m not even to his grave yet and the tears are falling as I slowly make my way there.
By the time I get to his headstone, I’m out of breath and ready for a nap. I overdid things at work yesterday and am paying for it today. Nothing was going to stop me from being here though. Since my parents aren’t home, I have no one to talk to when it comes to TJ. Elara still doesn’t know what happened between the two of us in detail because the shame I feel consumes me and I don’t want her to know how bad I let things get between the two of us. That I allowed him to stay long enough to escalate to physical abuse. She already thinks I was in an abusive relationship with him and I just don’t see it. Maybe it’s something I need to work on because when I truly let myself think about everything TJ put me through, I believe she might be right. Something to think about another day.
I push my walker to the side and bend down carefully to clean off the headstone and ground around it. I’m still not about to sit down like I usually do because I’m afraid I won’t be able to get back up again. My legs are already shaky and I don’t know how long I’ll be able to stay here. Once the headstone iscleared off, I set down his flowers to replace the ones that have already been removed because they were dead. I should buy fake ones and put a bouquet together, but I never do. There’s something about bringing fresh flowers here that makes a calm settle over me because I know Bhodi actually liked flowers. He’d spend hours in the gardens at home with our mom weeding and planting new ones each year. He would come up with various designs so the gardens never looked the same two years in a row. Not a lot of people knew that about my brother.
“Hey, Big Brother. I’m here again. Trying to make up for the weeks I wasn’t here to see you, I guess. Elara called me today with an update about TJ. He finally went in front of the judge this morning and was refused bail. I guess he was pissed, but he’s behind bars so I don’t have to worry about him coming after me again. That doesn’t mean I’m safe though. TJ has a lot of friends and I don’t doubt he’ll send someone else after me. I know calls from jail are recorded, but he’ll still figure out a way to make something happen if that’s what he truly wants to do. I guess Rex went to the courthouse and that’s how Elara knew he didn’t get bail.
“Bhodi, I don’t know what to think when it comes to Rex. I haven’t seen him in eight years and now he seems to be all over the place. Even if I don’t see him myself, he’s inserting himself in my life. Elara seems to think he loved me back then and is still in love with me. I don’t believe it because if he loved me, he never would have treated me the way he did back then. I might have shitty taste in men, but I refuse to allow him to be horrible to me any longer. Rex can take that shit and leave me alone. Though, he did have dinner with Elara a few days ago and I know she invited him to her house to meet her husband and kids. I don’t know how her husband will take to meeting Rex because he knows the truth of the situation. Tim doesn’t get angry veryoften, but he hates how Rex pushed us all away back then. He didn’t even go to your funeral, Bhodi,” I say, letting the tears fall unchecked as normal when I come here to talk to my brother.
For a minute, I tilt my head back and allow the sun to beat down on me. I’ve just gotten warm over the last few days and today I’m actually a little too hot. There’s the slightest breeze blowing from the tree near Bhodi’s grave. It really doesn’t do anything to cool me off, but that’s okay. Being comfortable isn’t my priority when I’m here.
“I’ve been thinking about starting therapy of some kind to work through everything. I know if you were still here, you’d make the appointment yourself and drive me there. Since you’re not, this is a decision I have to make on my own. Mom and Dad aren’t pushing me one way or the other. They just keep telling me the choice is up to me and they’ll support whatever decision I make. I just can’t talk to Elara about everything with TJ. I’m the reason it all happened in the first place. You know I always said I’d never be with an abusive man and Elara has told me more than once that TJ is abusive. I just never saw it for some reason. Maybe I was too close to the situation since I was the one with him. I hate to cut this visit short, Bhodi, but I’m not feeling the best today. My legs are really bothering me and I’m afraid I’ll collapse before I can get to the car. I can’t wait to ride your bike again. I miss being on it,” I say, pressing my fingers against my lips and pressing them against the cold stone resting above my brother. It will never be the same as feeling his arms wrapped around me in a hug when I’m having a bad day. Hell, today he’d give me a piggy back ride just because my legs are too weak to walk on my own. “Love you, Bhodi. I’ll be back soon.”
Grabbing my walker, I turn and head back toward the parking lot. This time, I know I won’t make it walking through the grass so I head for the walkway. I’m able to walk a little fasterthis way because it’s smooth and there’s no one else here with the exception of a younger woman a little ways in front of me. I’m still crying when I get close to her.
“Hello,” she greets me, reaching into the bag hanging off of her arm as I take in the leather covering her back. It has the same design as Rex’ cut. “Here. You look like you could use this.”
The girl hands me over a tissue and I greatly accept it from her. “Thank you.”
“I’m Annistyn. You look like you went a few rounds in the boxing ring. Are you okay?” she asks me, taking in the bruises on my body that are still fading. Especially the ones surrounding my neck. I didn’t bother covering them up for some reason.
“Something like that,” I say, starting to walk past her as she moves with me.
“You don’t look too steady on your feet right now. I’ll walk with you in case something happens. I know cell service here isn’t the best. It wouldn’t sit right with me if you fell and I didn’t do anything to help prevent it from happening,” she says as we slowly walk down the walkway. “I don’t mean to overstep or anything, but if you need help getting out of a situation, I can send you somewhere. My cousin, Roger, owns a ranch that has everything on it. There’s animals, a medical team, therapists, and other individuals who have been in similar situations. I spent a year there myself and got extensive therapy. I still have appointments with my therapist when I need someone to talk to.”
I think about her offer for a minute while we continue walking. Dr. Keen suggested again that I get into therapy. I don’t really feel safe being at my parents’ house alone either. Maybe if I go to this ranch, I can feel safe and get the help I need. I’m still having nightmares and I don’t know how to make them stop.Nothing I do is working so maybe that’s the sign I need to get help.
“I think I might like that. Right now, I’m staying at my parents’ house but they aren’t home. They had to go out of town on a business trip. My ex is in jail, but that doesn’t mean I’m safe. I might not know much, but I do realize he’ll do whatever it takes to get to me. Can just anyone get on this ranch?” I question her, not sure what to think since I’ve never heard of someone owning a ranch just to help people like this before.
“No one can get on the ranch. My cousin has a security team on the property at all times right now. One of the individuals there is having issues with her ex and he’s tried to get to her there. He’s now in jail because he broke the restraining order and all of the other charges he has against him. He’ll be in prison for a very long time. I can call my cousin now and set everything up and you can head there whenever you’re ready,” Annistyn says as I look at her to find a smile on her face.
“Thank you. I’ll have to talk to my parents before I leave. They’ll worry if they think I just left their home without a word. Plus I’ll have to pack if I’m going to stay there. Are there rooms or is it like a dorm-style?” I ask, still not believing I’m going through with this when I’ve been pushing it off for so long.
“You’ll have your own room. You don’t have to do anything on the ranch you don’t want to. I’ll admit I found yoga and meditation when I was there and it does wonders to settle me when I’m having a hard day. Is there anything else you need while there? Dietary restrictions or anything like that?” she questions me, already pulling her phone from her bag.
“I’m currently in physical therapy for my legs and arm. I still have several weeks left of treatment before a reassessment will be given and an updated plan is put in place. I don’t have any dietary restrictions. I’m not sure about any other appointmentsI have coming up either. The only other thing I have to do is talk to my employees so they know I won’t be in the shop for a while. I trust them to keep my bookstore up and running while I’m gone,” I answer her as we near my car and I see the brand-new SUV parked close by.
“You do what you have to do. Do you think you can be ready to show up tomorrow at some point?”
“Yeah. I think I can make that work. When I leave here, I can go to the store because I’m pretty sure everyone is at my store right now because we have a new shipment coming in today. Then I’ll talk to my parents and get packed. Can I bring my own drinks and snacks with me?” I ask, folding my walker and putting it in the backseat.
“Of course you can. Roger doesn’t make anyone go without and will make a store run if that’s what you need. I’m going to call him now and I’ll try to be there tomorrow so you know someone a little when you show up,” she says, giving me the same smile as I get in my car and leave the door open for a minute.
“Thank you for everything,” I tell her honestly as she backs away and smiles before turning toward the SUV.
Like I said I would, I head for Fantasy Realm and talk to my staff there. They’re all on board with me going to this ranch and getting the help I need. Sarah assures me she’ll run the shop when I let them know she’s in charge until I’m back. Hopefully I can keep my phone on me so I can check in a few times a week to make sure nothing major comes up that they can’t handle on their own. After leaving there, I grab something to eat from a pizza shop. They make amazing personal pizzas and I’m really craving some cheesy garlic bread. Plus they have milkshakes that are thicker than anywhere else I’ve gotten them from. With my food in the car, I make my way back to my parents’ house. Ittakes me a little bit to get inside with everything, but I manage on my own. Thankfully I can park in the garage and enter the house through there. My dad built a ramp for my walker because he knew they’d be leaving again.
As I eat my dinner, I call my parents and tell them about meeting Annistyn and her offer to help me go to the ranch. That I’ll get the help I need and won’t have to worry about TJ sending anyone after me. They are happy he didn’t get bail and agree that it might be best if I’m someplace secure while they’re gone. My mom tells me she’s worried about me and is having a hard time concentrating on anything other than getting home to me. I hate knowing she’s like this because of me. Just one more reason I feel guilty because I’ve seen the looks on her face more than once since they showed up at the hospital. By the time we’re off the phone, I think my parents and I are all breathing a little easier and happy that I decided to get help in a safe location. I go to bed that night with a full stomach and for the first time in weeks I don’t have a single nightmare. Instead, I dream of Rex and all the memories we shared. Not the ones where he was pushing me away or pretending we weren’t together, but of the times we spent alone and I got to see a different side of him.
Chapter Thirteen
Master
