Prologue
Taleah
HAVE YOU EVER had that one person in your life who meant the world and did absolutely everything in their power to protect you? I had two of them at one point. My brother Bhodi was the first one to ever be the best guy in the world I ever knew. He protected me no matter what he was doing at the time. He’d leave his friends if I needed him on the rare occasion I wasn’t already with him. A few times in school when I was being bullied, he put an immediate stop to it and made sure those who were mean to me paid the price. If it was a guy, he would beat them up. I can’t tell you how often Bhodi was in trouble for getting into fights and it was always because of me. No matter how many times I tried to get him to stop, Bhodi wouldn’t. Everything he did was for me and we spent all of our time together.
The second person was Rex. Our families met at some work event my parents had. Rex has a younger sister named Elara and the two of us became inseparable. Honestly, the four of us spent all of our time together. It was like we all just clicked the second we met and became a group of four. Rex protected Elara and me the same way Bhodi always did. Like my brother, Rex was constantly getting into fights because of Elara and me. I swear the two of them lived for the thrill of beating assholes up.
Over time, the relationship between Rex and I changed. So did the relationship between Elara and my brother. By the time I started my sophomore year of high school, I was with Rex. We spent a lot of time together without my brother and hissister. The two of us laughed, he held me when I cried, and he supported me when I was too scared to tell Bhodi something. Rex listened to all of my dreams and never once made me feel childish because of them. However, the way he treated me when we were around others didn’t always make me feel the best. It was like I truly was nothing more than his best friend’s little sister instead of his girlfriend. For two years I hid the pain it caused me and never let anyone know he broke my heart on a regular basis. Even when I saw him being soft and sweet to other girls. Though, I don’t believe he ever cheated on me. I can’t be sure, but I know that’s not who he is.
Now, I don’t have either one of them in my life and I miss them every single day. Bhodi gave his life for me and Rex moved on as if I never existed in his world. It feels as if I’m living in a horrible nightmare and there’s no way I can wake up and go back to the two of them being at my side.
Today, I’m sitting at my brother’s grave. I come here a few times a month depending on what’s going on in my life. Typically I try to come here once a week, but it doesn’t always work out. Just before leaving for boot camp with Rex, my brother, Elara, and I were at a party with a bunch of kids from school. This guy wouldn’t stop harassing me and Bhodi got pissed. He ended up getting into a fight with the guy and was pushed into the pool. My brother was one of the best swimmers I knew and he drowned. I watched as he hit his head on the cement edge of the pool and no one helped him get out. The only reason I wasn’t allowed in the pool is because I don’t know how to swim. Elara had to hold me back with the help of a few others because I was determined to get to Bhodi and save him. If he had been in the shallow end of the pool, no one would have stopped me because I would have been above the water. Unfortunately, he fell into the deep end so no one would let me go to him.
I remember screaming until I lost my voice for someone to help my brother. It felt like forever before a few guys from the football team jumped in and finally pulled Bhodi from the water. They performed CPR and someone else called for emergency services while I continued to fight to get to him. Elara wouldn’t let me close. Bhodi never woke up again. At first they tried to blame his death on the fact that he had been drinking. That’s not why he drowned. During the autopsy they found out exactly how bad the injury to his head was and ruled drowning the cause of his death. I’ve never been more heart broken in my life. To this day, I carry the guilt of his death on my shoulders and willneverforget I’m the reason Bhodi’s life was cut short.
“Hey, Big Brother,” I say, cleaning off Bhodi’s headstone and the area around his grave before replacing the flowers I always bring him. “It’s been seven years since I’ve seen your face or heard your laugh. I miss you as much today as I did the day we lost you, Bhodi. Why did you have to get in that fight? Why did you have to leave me?”
Bhodi’s gravestone has a picture of him in the center. It’s from his senior year and I know from how he’s standing that either Rex, Elara, or myself are on the side of the picture. His arm is around someone that’s been cropped out of the picture. The smile on Bhodi’s face is large and infectious as always. My brother rarely ever lost his smile unless he was really pissed off. It’s how I always want to remember him, but it’s hard because it makes my heart hurt so much to think of all the good times we had growing up.
This is the only place I’ve ever felt at peace since the day I lost my brother. That was the last straw in the fuck ups in my life. A day before losing Bhodi, I lost Rex. He pushed me away in the one way he knew I’d never be able to forgive him for. Rex fucked everything up in a matter of seconds and he knew exactlywhat he was doing. We all made our choices those days and have had to live with the consequences every day since then. So, when I’m sitting in front of my brother’s grave is the only time I’m surrounded by peace and a sense of calm. I can let the tears fall freely and sink into the gaping hole the loss of Bhodi left in my life. Something I pretend doesn’t tear me to shreds every damn day.
The tears start and I know I won’t be able to stop them. This is the one place I allow myself to cry. No one ever gets to see my tears. They haven’t for seven years now because I was mocked and bullied while dealing with the loss of my brother. Elara was the only one who was there for me during that time. Not only was she mourning the loss of my brother with me, but she was also grieving for her grandma who passed away two weeks before Bhodi. Rex was nowhere to be found by then. I refused to go to my parents because they were deep in mourning the loss of their only son. I didn’t want to bother them with my own pain because I was the reason we were all at a loss and missing the one person who seemed to keep our family together.
Elara became my rock during that time. Instead of driving a wedge between the two of us, she made sure we were closer than ever before. It didn’t matter if I needed to cry, scream, or be angry at the world around me, Elara never once gave up on me. She’s the only one who made sure I didn’t let my despair pull me under to the point I made stupid decisions. The days I needed to rage at the world around me, I tried to keep her out of it, but she wouldn’t let me push her away. A few times, I resented her for it, but Elara simply told me she wasn’t giving up on me and letting me do something I couldn’t come back from. Something that would hurt Bhodi if he could see me and the destructive behavior I was adopting.
“I heard Rex is back in town. He followed your dreams and enlisted like the two of you planned. I heard he went overseas more than once and found a great team. The two of you would have been the best for any team you were put on, Bhodi. You could read one another without looking at each other and had that sixth sense about what you were going to do before anything else happened. Like you already knew your opponent’s move and could anticipate what the two of you needed to do. It was awesome to watch even if I never told you,” I say before taking a deep breath and continuing. “TJ is starting his shit again. I haven’t seen the girl yet, but I’ve found plenty of her clothes in my house. He thinks I care about his cheating, but it’s happened so often, I’ve become numb to it.”
I met TJ my first day of college. Bhodi had been gone for two years at that point and I was missing him every single day. Elara wasn’t on campus with me because she got accepted to her dream school and I couldn’t let her come with me when I knew how much it meant to her to go to the same school as her grandma. I literally ran into TJ while I was trying to read the campus map for my dorm building. I’ve always been directionally challenged and it was a running joke between the four of us growing up. Bhodi used to take great delight when I’d get us lost somewhere. Running into TJ was like hitting a brick wall. He wasn’t the biggest guy I’d ever seen, but his body was rock hard. I fully braced for a hard impact on the ground at his feet, but he reached out and grabbed my arms to prevent me from embarrassing myself even more than I already had.
TJ reminded me a lot of my brother and Rex. He played football, was the golden boy on campus, and had huge dreams. The difference was he didn’t have any specific degree in mind and was only going to school because it gave him better odds of being seen by scouts and getting a better position in the draft.TJ’s dream was to play ball professionally and it was all he worked towards. He never studied or did homework, spending all of his time working out, practicing with his teammates, and making phone calls. Every thought revolved around football and I spent more time on the field than anywhere else on campus.
Things between TJ and me moved fast after that first run in. He seemed to show up everywhere I was including a few of my classes. At first he was kind, attentive, and never let anyone get too close to me. I went to all of his games and wore his jersey. Something he wanted me to do even though it broke my heart because previously I’d only ever worn my brother’s or Rex’ jersey to their games. Part of me felt as if I were betraying the two of them by wearing TJ’s jersey and I couldn’t shake the feeling.
It only took him two months for me to catch him cheating on me the first time. I still remember it as if it happened yesterday.
Walking into the frat house on my own always makes me feel a little nervous and as if I’m missing my brother and Elara even more than normal. Neither one of them would have ever let me walk into a party on my own. The only reason I even showed up tonight is because TJ begged me after his game. The second he came out of the locker room, he placed his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his side before mentioning the party and giving me that puppy dog look he’s perfected. With a deep sigh, I gave in but told him I’d meet him there because I wanted to get rid of my bag and change. TJ kissed me before leaving with his friends as they all celebrated their latest win knowing scouts were in the stands watching them all play.
I scan the crowded room filled with thick smoke from cigarettes and the joints being passed around as the music blares so loud the entire house seems to vibrate. Large groupsof people stand around while a section of the living room has been transformed into a dance floor. Couples grind against one another as they continue drinking and smoking like no one else is around them. The football team seems to be in two sections. One surrounds the beer pong table while the other group stands in the kitchen as if they’re guarding the alcohol so no one can take it from them. There’s no sign of TJ anywhere.
It takes longer than normal to wander through the first level of the frat house. TJ is nowhere to be found including outback where a bonfire is blazing to ward off the chill in the air. A game of spin the bottle is being played and everyone is lost in their own world. A few people greet me, but they won’t meet my eyes. That’s when the feeling of dread starts to fill me and I head back inside.
“Taleah, when did you get here?” Mason asks, walking up to me from the kitchen with a drink in hand.
“I’ve been here for a little bit. Have you seen TJ?” I ask him since he’s TJ’s best friend and always knows where he is.
“Why don’t you come to the beer pong table with me,” he says instead of answering the question and I know whatever I’m about to find isn’t going to be good.
Ignoring Mason, I head for the stairs and make my way up to the second floor past couples who don’t have a room here and are choosing to make out on the stairs. My steps are slow as I get to the top of the stairs and look straight down the hall where TJ’s door sits closed. I hear the unmistakable moans coming from behind closed doors as I make my way toward the room I’ve been in countless times. Instead of knocking, I simply open it when I finally stop in front of his room. The sight that greets me is enough to shatter my heart as tears well in my eyes and I fight to hold them off.
“You beg me to come here and this is where I find out?” I say, my voice strong and calm despite the pain filling me.
TJ is laying on his back in the same bed I’ve been in countless times since we started going out. He’s naked and I can clearly see the tattoos on his chest as a blonde rides him. She’s moaning so loud porn stars would be proud. Honestly, TJ doesn’t have a big dick and he’s not that good so I know she’s faking it. TJ is gripping her hips so hard his fingers are white as she throws her head back and her hair drags along his thighs.
“So fucking good,” TJ groans out, his voice hoarse as if he hasn’t heard me and is solely focused on the girl fucking him.
“Who’s better? Taleah or me?” the blonde bimbo questions him, her voice grating on my nerves as I grab his football from the desk right inside his door.
“You. Taleah’s like a dead fish,” he says and that’s when I release the football and hit his hand on the skank’s hip.
