“I thought I did.”
Ceridwen sighed. “So you wanted to die.”
“I understood that it was a distinct possibility, yes. But I didn’t have a death wish, if that’s what you’re asking. Pru has to live. It’s as simple as that. Another woman can’t lose her life because I wasn’t enough.”
Ceridwen’s second sigh ended on what sounded like a growl.
“Pru told me a bit about the nonsense you’ve been spouting about Margaux, and let me tell you, if that woman hadn’t been dead already, I’d put her in the ground myself.”
Rhiannon bit the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing. Goddess, she had missed her Ceridwen so much. Even after months on the island, she had missed this Ceridwen.
“You weren’t responsible for her happiness. You weren’t responsible for her life. All you can do is love someone and do your best. Also, divorce is always an option. Just saying, since people suddenly seem to have forgotten about it.”
Rhiannon laughed, then sobered.
“Ceri… I wasn’t enough for her. Nothing I did helped, nothing I tried, nothing I was. She loved me, she desired me, she was proud of me occasionally, even if it brought up all the ugliness of her lack of self-worth because of her professional failures… But I know she didn’t particularly like me. It had beenquite a shock to realize that. But it also explained so much about our marriage.”
Rhiannon blew out a breath, her throat closing, the words refusing to spill. They had to though, akin to expelling venom from the wound. “And so I wasn’t enough for her to live for. I was, however, perfect to die because of. And that is one of the best-designed punishments. She’s dead and I can demand no answers from her.”
Ceridwen’s eye roll was so exaggerated, Rhiannon wondered for a second that she’d hurt herself.
“Are you listening to yourself, Rhy? What answers? She took everything from you, your family, your town, your craft. You gave and gave and gave. And no, it wasn’t enough for her, but that says nothing about you and all about her. She was a miserable, hateful human being, taking her failures out on you. Deliberately. Blaming you for her own suicide? That’s twisted and cruel and you’re letting her do it even from the grave.”
“Are you going to tell me how disappointed you are, Ceri? That’s such a mom thing to say.”
Rhiannon snapped her mouth shut the second the joke was out of it. Ceridwen, to her credit, just looked at her, face open and honest.
“It is a mom thing to say. In fact, it was our mom’s thing to say.” They stood in silence for a moment, then Ceridwen shook her head and Rhiannon closed her eyes. She wanted to have this out to begin with, so they might as well. When Ceridwen spoke again, Rhiannon regretted her decision.
“I never tried to take her place, you know. When she died, when I dropped out of college and stepped in, all I needed from you was to be there for me. I wasn’t trying to control you. The twins were barely fourteen, babies, really. Victoria had her husband, bedridden and needing her constantly, and you… You were angry and raging and blaming everyone and everythingand all I ever wanted was for you to just be there for me. Not even to help. But…simply to be.” After a moment, one where Rhiannon’s heart was doing its best to tear through her rib cage, anxiety and regret rendering her speechless, Ceridwen delivered the final blow. Or perhaps the final caress. “I blamed you for leaving. But I never blamed you for Mom.”
Rhiannon grasped the edges of the once-polished counter, her fingers grabbing on to soot and ash, burnt splinters piercing her skin.
“You should have, Ceri. I sure blamed myself.”
To her surprise, Ceridwen laughed.
“You know, I always thought your ego was over-inflated, but I never realized just by how much. You are responsible for your wife’s death. You’re responsible for Mom’s. You sure think a lot of yourself, Rhy. Mom drew her circle, and despite being experienced and having done the ceremony for years, she failed. She was supposed to have help. She said she did arrange for it and then she either lied to spare us, or something happened on Sky Blue that cost her her life. Regardless of the why, the power took her. I don’t know how you walk around with a head this big, Rhy, doesn’t it weigh you down?”
Well, trust Ceridwen to break things down quite like that.
“She was mad at me for my lack of control, for harming Fowler, for being stupid about Margaux?—”
“Yes, we all were. Well, I didn’t know about you hurting him initially, but we were all mad at you. Mom, the twins and I, Victoria. We spent an entire year just being mad at you constantly. I half thought you were doing all those absolutely dumbass things with Margaux on purpose. I knew you were in love, but I didn’t know you were also being dragged around by your clit by a manipulative bitch. And Mom… It wasn’t your fault, Rhy.”
“I was supposed to be the second caster for that circle. She wasn’t feeling well, and yet she didn’t want to even look at me… I was supposed to be there for her! To help her break her curse, and I wasn’t. I got there too late!”
Her shout felt like a stone being hurled through a glass pane, the shards falling to the ground all around them.
“She called me the night before, you know. She was preoccupied and dismissive when I said I’d come back from college to help. She said no, said she would deal with it, that she had gotten a helper and everything would be fine. When Victoria found you on the Sky Blue Cliff, crying and holding on to Mom’s jacket, your hands all torn up, I thought you were the help Mom talked about. I thought you couldn’t handle it, that your power had waned as it tends to with young, inexperienced casters, or that you lost control.” Ceridwen wiped the tears that sprang to her eyes. Rhiannon closed hers again. She couldn’t stand this.
“I blamed you for many things, Rhy. But never for Mom. I know Seren doesn’t either.”
“I don’t.”
Seren stood a few feet from them, a bucket and a broom in her hands. Always the practical one.
“Mom said someone would be there with her that night. I knew she didn’t mean you though, the way she was so mad at you back then. I never blamed you, Rhy. Not for Mom. Just for leaving, even if I can’t say I’d have stayed either.”
