Hey, can you talk later?
A few minutes go by before my phone dings with a response.
Olive
Sure, everything okay?
I’m not sure. Call me when you get done at work.
I clean up the mess from working on Terry, wipe down my table, and take out the trash. My feet feel like they weigh a thousand pounds as I approach the large bin. Why did I have to fall for the one girl who won’t open up? I mean, the more I think about it, she covered herself all night last night so I couldn’t even get a visual of how she was feeling. At the time, I thought it didn’t matter, but now, I’m not sure of anything.
Terry was my only scheduled appointment today, but occasionally I’ll get a walk-in or two. I head toward my office at the back of the shop and round the corner. “Jesus, you scared the shit out of me,” I shout at Olive, who’s perched in my office chair.
“Sorry, I just, you weren’t out front, and I, uh, well after the text, I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.” Olive’s chewing on her lip, concern evident in her brow.
“Um, yeah. I just wanted to ask you about Irina.” I thought I’d have more time to prepare for this conversation. Although, I guess it’s a good sign she ran right over. “Aren’t you supposed to be at work?” I ask.
“I told Beau I needed to talk to you for a minute. He grumbled but said it was fine. What do you want to know?” She stands from the chair and takes a few steps toward me.
“What did you say to her that night at her shop? Why did she do this to you specifically?” I gesture to her arm. It’s hidden under her shirt, but we both know what I’m referring to.
“Sam, I . . . It’s complicated,” Olive says, reaching to grab my hand.
“What about this isn’t complicated? I told you I needed honesty, and I opened up to you. It sorta feels like you’re still holding back while I’m barreling straight toward heartbreak city.” I pull out of her grasp and walk to my chair, flopping down haphazardly.
“Sam, Ihavebeen honest. Irina caught me in a weak moment, and I sorta just blurted out my feelings. It all happened so fast, I don’t know what you want me to say.” Her eyes are filled with tears.
“I want you to tell me that you didn’t ask her to trick me. To make me fall in love with you just so you could break my heart, because it feels like I’ve got a lot on the line here and you’re holding all the cards.” I let out a long, frustrated breath.
Olive rushes over, sitting on my lap and kissing me with everything she has. When we break apart, she sighs heavily and then says, “No, I did not ask her to make you fall in love with me. I asked her to fix me because I’ve never been able to let go and allow myself to be vulnerable. After years, my whole life really, of not being enough . . . I didn’t want to risk the rejection. It had nothing to do with you at all. I’m sorry that I’m not ready to say that I’m in love with you. Truly, I want to be brave enough to do that, but I’m not. Not yet anyway.”
“So, this is just something you need to work through, and we are solid?” I ask, a small bit of doubt turning my stomach.
“Yes, we’re good. I promise. I’ve never known anyone like you, and I’ve never felt like this before. There’s just a lot going on in my life right now, and I need time to sort it all out,” she reassures me.
“Okay, thank you for coming here. Thank you for being you and putting everything aside to rush over.” I smile at her tentatively. There’s a pit in my stomach. A part of me can sense she’s simply telling me what I want to hear and not the whole truth of the matter.
“Always, Sam. You’re important to me. Please, if you don’t know anything else, know that.”
Olive kisses me again, a simple, chaste kiss, before standing and leaving to go back to work. I do feel somewhat better about things. I’ve waited for what feels like a very long time for the right person. There’s so much she’s still not saying, I can feel it in my bones. But instead of focusing on that, I’m going to focus on being the man she thinks I am. The brave one who sticks with her, even if I’m destined to break.
twenty-seven
Olive
Am I in Love?
6 Days Until Halloween
Am I in love with Sam O’Reilly? That’s the question plaguing my every waking moment since I left him in the shop yesterday. It’s showing up in my dreams too. I think it’s just a general state of being for me at this point. A simple question that I wish had a simple answer.
If I wasn’t walking around with my every thought and feeling displayed for all to see, I believe the answer would be a resounding and easy yes. I’m indeed falling for him, head over heels. But that’s not reality. The version that is true includesso many mixed-up feelings, between not knowing if I’m putting myself out there enough or too much. Wondering if he likes the real me or the cooked-up version of me who’s brave and wears her heart on her sleeve. The insecure side of me thinks maybe I don’t know him well enough to feel this strongly or that he only seems perfect for me because he can anticipate my needs with a quick glance at my arm. Or maybe even that I was an easy target for Irina, that this is a fun experiment for her.
“Ugh!” I yell, throwing a pillow from across my bedroom as hard as I can. A cup of water tumbles from my dresser to the floor as the fluffy projectile accidentally knocks it over.Damn it!
I jump up from my position lounging on my bed and grab a towel from the clean laundry basket settled in the corner of my room. Mopping up my mess feels strangely on par with what needs to happen in my real life. I need to talk this out with someone who can help, someone unbiased.
My phone pings.
