‘You’re the woman I love.’ The words fire out of me. Not to woo her – I’m saying them to stem the bleeding. To plug the hole in the hull. I haven’t said that before to any woman. Because I’ve never felt it. But I do for her.
She looks right through my chest. ‘Don’t… Don’t do that.’
‘Do what? I’m only trying to be honest. To make it right.’
‘I know.’ A catch tears the last syllable. ‘But I refuse to be another weight you carry until you break.’
She’s building a case. For me. Against herself. Against us.
The hell she will.
‘You don’t get to decide what’s too heavy for me.’ Active panic shreds my voice. ‘I’m the one lifting it. I know my limits.’
‘Really? Because you’re about to lose your career for a girl who has nothing to offer you but neurosis, problems, and a mess.’
‘Dammit, Ava!’ I slam my palm on the wood, and the cutlery clatters. ‘I knew what I was risking when I put my fist through his face. And I’d do it again. For you, I’d do it every day of the week and twice on Sundays.’
‘That’s part of the problem,’ she says quietly.
‘How the fuck is that a problem? That I have your back?’
‘No, because you sacrifice yourself in the twisted belief that you have to!’ The volume of her voice spikes. ‘You’re looking at a career-ending disaster. I won’t let you be a martyr for me.’
‘I’m not a martyr, Ava. I’m trying to be a partner.’
‘But I’m not!’ She’s trembling. ‘I’m not. I can’t be. Don’t you see? A partner brings something to the table. More than problems. And I…’
‘Stop it.’
‘It’s true, though. I ruin things.’ She curls her fingers into her palms. ‘I ruined my parents’ marriage. They spent years fighting about my training, my fees, my schedule. I was the stress fracture that broke everything. And now I’m doing it to you.’
‘Ava, look at me. I’ve been handling loads my whole life. My father. Mum. David. The team. I’m not going to shatter because things get messy. Responsibility is my jam. I can take you on. All of it.’ I’m trying to reassure her. Trying to show her my strength.
But she doesn’t smile back. ‘See? But that’s what I don’t want to be.’
Every ounce of heat leaves my blood. ‘What now?’
‘Another responsibility.’ She says the word with the same recoil she’d give a mouthful of grit-salt.
‘That’s not what I meant.’
Her eyes are wet. ‘You see me the same way you see David and your mum. Someone who needs handling and obstacles in their way removed. Well, they don’t, and neither do I.’
‘Ava, no.’
‘I’m not a project, Scottie!’ She stands up. Her movements are fluid. ‘You’re listing your qualifications for caretaker. And I don’t need one.’
I hear the echo of my own words and realise with sick clarity that I’ve handed her the gun she’s going to use to shoot me. I wanted to show her I was strong enough to hold her, to be there for her. But all she heard was: You’re a burden, and I’m the beast of burden.
The trap snaps shut. She’s convinced that her love is toxic, that her presence in my life is a chore at best and destruction at worst.
‘I didn’t mean it like that. Ava, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.’
‘No.’ She picks up her red scarf and winds it around her neck. ‘You deserve…easy. You need a partner whose life doesn’t come with this much collateral. Who actually helps you lift whatever it is life throws at you. Not a disaster who shits all over it.’
‘You’re making my life better. Even when you shit all over it. Maybe I like that. Maybe that’s what I’m into.’
She lets out a joyless laugh so dry it stings. ‘I got you suspended.’
