The swift change caught her off guard. “But you wouldn’t.”
“I might. You have no idea how easy it would be for me to . . .” He huffed out a breath of frustration. “Unfortunately, that wouldn’t be right. Not with you.”
“I see.” She did. He was being the sensible one. And somewhere deep inside she appreciated it.
Very deep inside. Because she still couldn’t get past the idea of his caressing her breast with his mouth. She wanted to try that with him. Desperately.
Then the rest of his words hit her with brutal force. “What do you mean, ‘Not with you’? Because I’m a maiden? Because you don’t actually know me very well?” She swallowed hard. “Or because you want someone else?”
He raked his hair away from his forehead. “None of those. Though itshouldbe all of those.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I know.” He released a heavy breath. “Earlier you asked why I act as ifIhad somehow been betrayed. So I’m going to tell you why.”
He began pacing the foyer. “When I agreed to help save Kitty I had an ulterior motive. Until then I’d had an idea in my head of who she was, what she was like. Her letters—yourletters—had sustained me through many a battle. Douglas knew that about me, and we’d discussed whether I would have his permission to marry Kitty if I liked her and she liked me.”
Her stomach began to churn. “But Kitty wasn’t who you thought she was, thanks to me.”
He nodded. “Unfortunately, my reason for needing to marry her hasn’t changed.”
A chill swept through her. She could see where this was going. Especially since Heywood wouldn’t look at her. “You need Kitty’s fortune.”
With a wave of his hand to indicate their surroundings, he said, “I want to do right by my inheritance. But the manor and the tenant farms are so run-down that repairs will cost more than I have, since the army doesn’t allow the sale of a colonel’s commission. And it will take a large sum indeed to set the estate to rights.”
She resisted the temptation to tell him about her own fortune. It was too important to her to know whether he truly wanted her for herself and not for her money. If she told him now, she would never, ever be sure. She just couldn’t take that risk.
“So you mean to court Kitty then?” she asked, fighting desperately to keep the jealousy out of her voice.
He rounded on her. “Don’t be a fool. Of course I don’t mean to court Kitty. Not now, not ever.”
Oh, thank goodness. She wasn’t sure she could bear that. “Why not? Because she isn’t clever and witty?”
Stalking up to grab her by the arms as if he meant to shake her, he said, “Because I cannot wed one woman while I’m lusting after her cousin. If I were to marry Kitty, you would always be near. She’s your closest relative. Anytime she and I went to visit her mother, we’d see you.I’dsee you.”
Fighting to hide how those words had wounded her, she pulled away from him. “Not if I marry, too. I could, you know. I’m not some pathetic woman who can’t attract a man. When I have my season—”
“I’ve no doubt of your ability to find a husband, trust me,” he said in a hollow voice. “But you’d still be in the same family. At least if I marry some other woman—one not related to you—I could arrange matters so I’d never see you again.” He stiffened. “But not if you’re still in Kitty’s life, which, of course, you would be.”
The truth suddenly dawned on her. “That’s why you’re so angry that the Kitty of the letters isn’t Douglas’s sister, the heiress.”
“Not angry, exactly,” he said. “Just . . . discouraged by my dearth of choices. I can either marry an heiress so I can retire and concentrate on setting my estate to rights. Or I can sell the estate at a substantial loss, continue to serve in the army, and try to support a family on an officer’s pay, which isn’t that much.”
“But in the latter case, you would at least be happily married,” she ventured.
“Ah, but I wouldn’t have much opportunity to enjoy that, would I? I couldn’t—wouldn’t—take my wife with me to war. It’s no place for a woman. Or children, for that matter. So I’d have to put up with seeing my family every few years, whenever I could get leave. What kind of life is that? Not one I relish, I confess.”
“Perhaps you could get a better posting,” she said. “One where you could take a wife with ease.”
“I don’t want a better posting. I want to begin myreallife at Hawkcrest. It was my father’s dream that I serve in the army, not mine. With Mother getting older and Sheridan needing help with the ducal estate, I want to be here. For them. For myself.”
She forced a smile. “That’s why you need to marry an heiress.”
“Yes.”
“Then you should marry one,” she said, and headed for the door, now desperate to get back to Armitage Hall before she did something or told him something she would always regret.
Chapter 6
