I crane my neck to get a better look at him as that hand comes up to cup my cheek. He only strokes tenderly across my face before lowering his hand again. “You know I care for you, right?” he asks into my mind.
“Yes, of course,”I respond.
“Good, I know I’ve been a bit of an ass, but please never mistake that for me not caring about you. This journey has been far more difficult for me than I thought it would be.Mentally, I suppose. I just cannot fathom anything happening to you when we’ve only just found each other.”
My heart clenches, a mixture of fear and warmth fighting within. “I feel the same way,” I admit. I face forward again as we happen upon the gaping mouth of a cave. Tiernan dismounts and practically lifts me down from Ghendor. His hands linger on my waist as my body adjusts to being on my feet again. But the heat of his fingers seeping into my tunic makes me feel a bit dizzy nonetheless.
We stare at each other for a while, a hand’s width of space between us and the desire to close that gap so strong.
But Tiernan steps back. “I need to tell you something,” he signs. “And I’m afraid you’ll think differently of me when you know the whole truth …”
A cold sensation tickles the back of my neck, but all I can do is nod.
There’s so much pain in his features, in the way his brows are cinched and his lips are pressed tightly together. “You know all about Maura, and you know that I was in the Royal Brigade,” he motions. “I was only sixteen years old when I was conscripted for the Royal Brigade. Back when Erleya was still very much at war with Ardall. Rheon was like a father to me while I was away from my own; I looked up to him. Until he morphed into a monster before my eyes. Until, in the midst of my grief, he chose to inflict such pain. He was willing to take me to the gallows if I didn’t speak up. After my years of loyalty, of serving this kingdom.”
He exhales heavily and glances toward the cave. “Durvla, I did unimaginable things under Rheon’s command.” He faces me again. “I murdered innocents. I helped enforce the horrible laws of Erleya; I was an active part of shipping Undesirables off to Paramount—to their deaths.” His hands are shaking so hard that he stops and clenches them tightly.
Sweat breaks out along my neck, my heart pounding through the heat in my chest.
“I didn’t understand at first,” he signs without looking at me. “I was following orders. I was … I didn’t … I was a fool. And the moment I started to realize the injustice of it all—the threat was turned on me. I wanted to live. I wanted?—”
I step forward and clasp his hands between mine as his chest rises and falls rapidly. His hands are still shaking, vibrating through my palms. He tips his head up to the sky, and when he drags his gaze back to me, his eyes glisten with tears.
“If I could go back in time?—”
I watch the words on his lips, the way he presses them together, and his jaw quivers.
“How could you feel all that you do for someone who’s committed such atrocities? You should hate me.”
The heat of anger and pity feels misplaced among the heaviness in my heart. It hurts to know that he played a part in the disposal of Undesirables, but also … I release his hand, cupping his cheek, and more images flood my mind. I see a man charging toward Tiernan with a dagger, and Tiernan drawing his sword and running him through. And I see his brokenness afterward as he holds the dying man. Another image materializes—Tiernan on horseback, watching Forayers load people into a wagon, just as it had been done to me.
He pulls away, and steps back, leaving my hand hovering in midair, the taste of revulsion on my tongue. Tiernan’s revulsion athimself.
“They say you never get the first kill out of your mind,” he signs. “I remember them all. I regret every last one of them.”
“That was self-defense,” I sign shakily.
“It was an innocent life. He was only trying to protect his family.”
I swallow the knot in my throat.
“That’s why when you look at me the way you do … I know I’m not deserving. You should hate me for what I’ve done.”
I watch the words on his lips, and I can feel the regret and the overwhelming guilt. It sears hotter than the scar on his neck. It hasn’t only been Rheon slicing into him haunting his memories, but his own actions toward others.
“Ever since hearing about Rheon as the sovereign, I’ve been reliving every moment and it’s been eating me up inside.”
“And you’ve been afraid to tell me.”
He nods.
“Tiernan …” My heart aches. “I wish you hadn’t felt that way, but I understand.” I take his hand, giving it a firm squeeze. Ghendor nudges Tiernan’s side as if to complain about standing still for so long. Tiernan scrubs his hand down his face and then Ghendor’s mane. When he looks at me again there’s still that shame lingering in his eyes. I suppose it may be something he’ll have to gradually work through, but I don’t plan to shut him out while he does.
“I suppose we should commence this little adventure now that I’ve dragged down the entire mood,” says Tiernan.
I smile through the tears still stinging my eyes. “You didn’t ruin anything. You told me the biggest thing you feared telling me, and I’m so grateful for it.”
He gives my hand a squeeze and grabs a mage lantern from the saddle. I take Ghendor’s reins, and we move toward the cave. Cool air surrounds us, stalactites hanging down from the rocky ceiling. The ground is slightly damp and slick, so I tread carefully, hypervigilant as I observe the different rock formations and critters that scurry in corners. Tiernan releases my hand to sign “Looks like a good place to take shelter.”
