I watch as they all burst into laughter. This is so fake and ridiculous. And not even necessary.
It’s crazy how quickly Tracy pivoted from last week to now. How easy it was to buy her forgiveness. It makes me want to escape.
“We’re out of printer paper. I’m going to run downstairs real quick.”
“Now?” Aaron asks.
“Yep. I have some contracts I need to print out for your meetings this afternoon.” I glance at Tracy, who is shamelessly ogling the boys.
“I’ll come with you. You can give me a tour.” Dominik takes a step toward me, his hand gently sliding behind my back. My body stiffens, instantly on high alert.
“Tracy?” I look at her with pleading eyes.
Please say no. I’m begging you.
“Of course. Take him around!” She doesn’t even look at me.
Time for my plan B.
I turn to Aaron. “Do you want to come?”
“No,” Dominik instantly blurts out.
Aaron’s jaw tightens as he and Dominik stare at one another. Ever since my parents showed up unexpectedly a few weeks ago, they’ve been extremely tense around each other. Maybe something else is going on, or maybe it’s my parents. They are a topic Aaron and I don’t dare broach, because the mere thoughtof them causes me anxiety, and I know Aaron is still close with them. I made the conscious effort years ago to stop bringing our parents up in conversation with Aaron. It’s just easier that way. I want to avoid putting my brother in a difficult position or causing him to resent me.
He’s the only thing I have left, and if he turns against me too, I’m not sure how I would manage.
Lately, I’ve felt like there isn’t a point to any of this, and that thought alone terrifies me.
Shouldn’t I be afraid of the end?
Not when it could be better than this.
Maybe, or maybe there is nothing on the other side. Nothing but darkness. Which is comforting all on its own.
I wonder if other people have such dark intrusive thoughts as well, or am I like this because I’m far too broken?
“It’s okay. I have to get to a work meeting. I caught Dom on his way out and wanted to come by to say hi. Can we have dinner this week?” Aaron’s voice is stern as he turns his attention back to me.
I nod, and my brother leans forward, planting a kiss on the top of my hair. I feel every single pair of eyeballs on me.
I have to escape from this place before I create another unforgettable scene. In that case, I’ll have no choice but to resign and move to Alaska, where no one knows my name. Start over.
“Sure. Dinner sounds good,” I force out, giving my brother a quick smile before heading for the stairwell.
My skin is hot, my lungs are compressed, and it feels like my shirt is trying to melt into my skin. My smart watch beeps, signifying an increase in my blood pressure right as I push through the door. I nearly stumble down the stairs, forcing myself to count my breaths as the corners of my vision go black.
When I sense my balance wavering, I lean on the wall and close my eyes, striving to steady my breaths.
What is the matter with me? There is no reason for me to behave like this.
It’s all the fake attention. I hate it. I hate being here, pretending to be someone I’m not. While people see that display of affection, thinking my brother loves me and I have a boyfriend who is head over heels for me, it’s all a big facade and none of them can see beyond the deception.
It’s suffocating. All of it.
I don’t belong in this world. I never have, and I never will.
“Zoe.”
