But that is the part where I falter.
Because how could I possibly watch that and not interfere?
She belongs to me. She’s mine. She is my world.
But it’s something I’m going to have to come to terms with at some point.
Sighing, I shake my head at the man in the mirror. I don’t recognize him.
He needs a shave. He needs sleep. He needs to get a fucking grip.
I’m still craving spaghetti bolognese.
It’s crazy that I have made it every night since she left, and I still crave it. But not the one I make. The one she makes. The one I make is like a teaser, a taster that whets your appetitefor the main course. And every time I eat it, I am reminded that I will never have that craving satisfied.
It’s not the spaghetti I’m craving. I understand that fully.
A surge of anger shoots through me in pure defiance, and I growl at my own reflection.
“Enough!”I shout at myself. “Enough self-pity. Pull your fucking self together and figure out how to keep her safe!”
What good am I to her if I’m a complete fucking wreck?
That’s what I am. I won’t even try to deny it. I am a wreck right now.
An hour later, when I walk down the stairs, I am clean-shaven and dressed in a slick black suit. I smell like a man who is ready for whatever the day has in store for him, instead of like a man who hasn’t got the strength to leave the house.
As I pass the kitchen, I grab my car keys off the counter and head straight for the door. I’ll get a coffee on the way. Having decided to leave the house, I came to realize just how claustrophobic it’s been hiding out in here. Hiding from myself, my own stupid mistakes.
I’m not going to sit in my home office again, hunched over the computer searching for answers.
Today I’m going to start speaking to people face-to-face.
I know myself.
I know what I’m capable of.
And Iwillfind out what happened to her father, and Iwillmake sure nothing happens to her.
The first person I want to see is Antonio. We’re going to triple the budget for the investigation into her father’s death.I want more teams on this. I want this city torn apart until someone speaks.
The morning traffic is beginning to thin out, but I still sit in some of it. It gives me time to think as I watch people going about their daily lives. It’s been ages since the ground wasn’t iced over. Winter is calming down. I roll down the car window and lean my arm outside. The air is sharp and crisp. I can smell the city. My city.
Again, the surge of defiance shoots through me. This is my city, and I will get to the bottom of all of this.
When I arrive at the warehouse, Antonio is waiting for me on the main floor.
“Boss, you’re looking…” he hesitates, not wanting to insult me, I presume.
“No news?” I ask immediate.
“No, not since you asked an hour ago,” he says, then presses his mouth together tightly as though he realizes he might have crossed a line. I sigh and push my hand through my hair. “Look, man, I know I’ve been a fucking psycho lately. I’m driving everyone crazy. But I’m ready to put the proper effort in now.”
“What were you thinking?” he asks, folding his arms across his chest.
“Three more teams. I know it’s excessive, but we’re moving too slowly as it is. I want three more teams making their way through each establishment. Everyone needs to be questioned,” I say sternly.
“More men, further reach. I hear you.”
