“I, for one, am super excited. This is my first self defense lesson,” Mira beams.
I give her a tight smile, I want to be excited, but I’m also nervous out of my mind. I’ve never done anything like this before.
“So, I’ve called you all here because with Joy living on her own she needs to know how to protect herself. And so do the rest of you weenies,” Chewy starts.
“Excuse you? I can take care of myself, thank you very much,” Vi spits at Chewy who ignores her.
“So before we get started, I thought it’d be helpful to do a quick lesson on how not to get murdered,” Chewy begins.
“Might wanna control your face,” Jazz snorts from beside me.
“Wait, what?” I whisper to her as Chewy starts writing things up on a conveniently placed whiteboard.
“Your brows flew clean into your hairline,” she giggles. “I know it’s a lot, but Chewy means well.”
“Most of the time,” Kaia mutters.
“The top five ways to avoid getting regular murdered,” Chewy begins in a clear voice.
“Wait, what the heck is ‘regular murdered’?” Ana asks from the other side of the room where she’s trying to stop her little boy from licking the workout mats while Laney May sits quietly playing with a puzzle.
“Regular murdered. Not serial murdered. There are different rules for that,” Chewy replies, matter of factly.
“Riiiight,” Blanche says. “And how do we know that this actually works?”
Chewy holds her hands out. “I haven’t been murdered yet, have I?”
I roll my lips between my teeth. Yes, being here is a little scary and overwhelming, but also, watching the way these women interact is funny. I’m honored to even be asked to join them. Jazz nudges my shoulder and we share a look, trying to hide our giggles from the rest of the Ol Ladies.
“Tip number one. Try not to be too attractive. Or too ugly. Most people want to murder hotties, or uggos. No normies are getting murdered.”
“What on earth makes you think that?” Remy asks, brow raised.
“Trust me, as the Icer to the DRMC, Iknow.”
The women all share a look and I’m guessing it’s some sort of club business. When Switch initially helped get me and Kit away from our home we stayed at the clubhouse. The club would update me on Travis and his movements as much as they could, but some things would be deemed “Club business” and therefore they had to keep to themselves. I respect that. Knowing when to trust the DRMC is what saved me and Kit.
“Point number two: try your best to avoid all men. I mean, the stats are pretty stacked on this one.” Chewy shrugs. “Unless of course they’re men you trust. Like the DRMC. The Bartashev Bratva probably falls into that category too.”
“And Dima,” Mira adds. “I love Dima.” She turns to me and smiles, “Dima is Sasha’s little brother. He isn’t Bartashev Bratva anymore, but is in the Italian mafia. His woman is the inspiration for one of my characters.”
“Is it Penelope Penfold?” Remy asks, her voice rising.
“Yes! Exactly!” Mira says, holding her hand up for a high five. “That woman is so badass.”
“Yes. And so am I. Point number three - try not to be a straight woman.”
“Jesus, Chewy,” Blanche groans, running a hand down her face.
“I think it’s a little too late, Chewy,” Lovely says patiently.
Chewy nods then her gaze darts to me for a split second. “It’s not too late for Joy. She had that rough time with her loser husband. It would be very understandable for her to switch teams.”
All eyes turn to me. Most of the women are looking very amused, and I know my cheeks are now on fire. “Um, nope, still straight. Sorry, Chewy.”
“Well, just be aware that you’re at risk of being murdered.” Chewy turns back to the white board and scribbles her next important tip. “Moving on, number four is try your best not to be right all the time. No one likes a know-it-all.”
“Wait, if that's the case how are you still alive?” Vi smirks. Chewy stares at her then blinks owlishly before moving on.
