I smile as I watch her, happy and free... A part of my life and, without even trying, already part of my family.
When she finally turns back to me, laughing and glowing, I let her see in my smile everything she makes me feel. And when she doesn’t look away, I see no fear in her eyes. No dread waiting in the shadows. There is only happiness.
Cecily
We got home half an hour ago, and once again Alexander kissed me breathless before whispering goodnight and disappearing into his own room.
I wish I’d had the courage to pull him inside with me. Or to ask him to take me to his. All I have to do is say the word.‘I’m following your lead, Cecilia. You set the pace.’
Taking a deep breath, I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I’ve never thought of myself as plain or uninteresting. I’ve always been...finewith my body. Comfortable in it, even, the way you learn to be as you get older. Of course, I have the same insecurities every woman carries. Small battles with parts of myself I wish I could change or smooth out.
My hand lifts to cup my breast. They’ve never been large. And isn’t that what they always say? That men prefer them that way. Fuller. Heavier.
That cold thought that’s been haunting me whispers in my mind.
Am I bad in bed?
Alexander certainly isn’t a monk. We’ve never talked specifics, but I know he’s more experienced than me.
I’ve only ever been with one man. The same man who, after nearly nineteen years, replaced me like I was something outdated. And worse, he did it while still coming home to our bed.
I swallow hard, gripping the edge of the sink. If I was any good between the sheets... he wouldn’t have gone looking elsewhere for what I wasn’t giving him. Or what he didn’t want from me. Right?
I sigh.
This isn’t the first time I spiral like this before bed. Maybe it would be easier to let it go. Tomorrow, I could talk to Alexander. Tell him I got carried away. That we should just stay friends. I’m not even sure I have the courage to say the words out loud.
But as the reasons for keeping things “just friendly” parade through my mind, one by one, I start to see them for what they really are.
Irrational fears. Insecurities that are a reminder of what the betrayal did to me. All baseless what-ifs that come with self-doubt. Every single one of them.
And if I’m honest with myself... I don’t want things to go back to the way they were. I stopped seeing him as just a friend a while ago.I want more.
So I close my eyes and think of what Caroline told me: to go deeper and ask myself why instead of hiding behind excuses.
When I open my eyes again, there’s a new resolve in me.
I look at my reflection one last time and let my hair fall loose around my shoulders. I’m wearing a delicate two-piece in deep emerald green. A silk camisole with thin straps and matching shorts, both trimmed in dark, romantic lace. It’s a piece you wear not for anyone else... but because you want to feel beautiful alone in your own skin.
Should I change? Wear something sexier?
No.
What about underwear? I never wear any to bed.
Should I put some on? Maybe something lace-trimmed?
But if what I want is to end up naked in his arms, adding another layer just to take it off again feels pointless.
I shake my head, a nervous smile on my lips.I’m stalling.
Without giving myself time to panic or retreat, I open my bedroom door, already moving toward Alexander’s room.
I don’t even make it two steps before his door opens.
And I’m not ready for the vision that is Alexander, shirtless.
The way he stands, so relaxed and at the same time commanding, pulls me toward him.
