Chapter 09
in spite of you
Ethan
“Is it okay for you to take a few more photos?” Mom asks.
Her voice has that gentle edge to it, and I can feel her watching me while I keep my eyes fixed on the reception ahead. The ceremony ended barely an hour ago, and everyone has spilled into the outdoor area. White tents and catering stations are set up across the lawn, while staff work their way through the crowd offering non-alcoholic drinks on silver trays.
“Of course, Mom,” I say, glancing down at her. She looks so small standing next to me today.
She stops walking, forcing me to turn and look at her.
“You know what I’m really asking, Ethan.”
I let out a breath and drag a hand through my hair, the cap feeling heavy for the first time all day. There’s no point in lying to her; she always sees right through me.
“I made a deal with Alicia,” I admit.
She gives me a small smile. “I know. I heard you two talking when I went to get a glass of water. And I also know that if anypart of you truly didn’t want Colin here, you would’ve said no… no matter how much Alicia wanted it.”
I stop for a second, looking away toward the rows of empty seats. “Mom, it’s—”
“Complicated?” she finishes for me.
I just nod. That’s the only word that fits the mess in my head.
“I know, honey. And that’s completely normal,” reaching out to touch my arm. “You don’t have to feel just one way, or have everything sorted out, about what’s going on in your mind or your heart.”
I nod again, the tension in my shoulders giving way.
“What really matters is that you and Alicia are here,” I tell her, trying to shift the focus back to where it belongs. “Oh—and Uncle Mark too. Where is he? I want him in our pictures.”
Mom lets out a light laugh and tells me he’s on his way, just wrapping up a conversation with an old friend.
When we reach the red-carpet area, we wait our turn while other families take their photos.
Unable to avoid it any longer, I turn and watch Alicia talking tohim. The first thing that hits me is how... strange they look together. Alicia from a year ago would’ve been glued to his side, hanging off his arm, resting her head against his chest, smiling at him like he held every answer in the world.
But I get it. I get why she tries. Why she keeps that tiny spark of hope tucked away somewhere inside her. Why she reaches for a connection they once had, even when it hurts.
I used to want that too.
I was always closer to Mom—that’s never been a secret—but there was a time when I went to both of them the same way. Because back then, I really believed they were two pillars holding the same house up. I believed they’d both always be there for me.
Until he wasn’t. Until he stopped showing up. Stopped caring.
I dreamed about today. I imagined all of us standing here—laughing, celebrating—the cheesy family moment people post online to pretend their whole life looks like that. He used to joke that I’d be Valedictorian. And he didn’t say it casually; he said it like he meant it.
The day arrived. And I really am. But he’s not the same person anymore. Not to me. And I’m not the same either.
Having him here feels like feeding a fantasy of something that doesn’t exist anymore. It doesn’t make sense to hold on... not after everything.
But Mom’s right. She always is. If I didn’t want him here, he wouldn’t be. I would’ve just said no to Alicia and explained it to her. She might be spoiled, she might be dramatic, but she would’ve understood. We’ve always understood each other.
Maybe that’s why she really did it: she gave me an excuse to have something I dreamed about for years but felt like I shouldn’t want anymore. A way to punish him and punish myself in one clean blow.
I hate this part of me... the part that wanted him here today. The part that belongs to the little boy he used to teach how to ride a bike, how to swim, how to do math in my head “so my brain wouldn’t get lazy.” That part of me is stupid. Confused.
