Stepping into Dr. Lewis’s office for our fourth session, I shake his hand and take a seat on the couch across from him.
I booked my appointments for Tuesdays and Thursdays, the same days I drop Alicia off at ballet nearby.
The first one was almost a complete waste of time. I nearly didn’t come back for the second. But the message I sent Ethan asking how things were going with his girlfriend—and the single ‘Fine’I got in response—was the reminder I needed of why I was here in the first place.
So during the second session, I finally addressed the elephant in the room. I told him everything that happened between me and Maya. Beginning. Middle. End.
We talked about my marriage to Cecily and our divorce. When it came to the affair, he tried to go deeper, but I shut that down fast I’d already figured out on my own why I did what I did.
Not that it changed anything. It also didn’t scrape away the guilt or the regret. Or make it any easier to say out loud. But I knew.
So I was direct.“I’m here because I need to fix things with my kids. I know how badly I screwed up, and I’m not letting it happen again. I’m not losing my daughter a second time, and I want my son back.”
My voice left no room for negotiation.
I wasn’t looking to dissect my affair just to clear my conscience while he dressed it up in psychological terminology. There were no justifications for what I did. It really was that simple.
Dr. Lewis realizes I’m not going to be the one to start today. He leans back in his chair and says, “So, how are things with Alicia and Ethan?”
I drag a hand through my beard.
“She keeps testing the limits of what she can and can’t get away with. But I’ve been firm, and I’ve kept the same routine she has at her mother’s place.” I stop for a beat, last night’s argument flashing through my mind, and then I fill Dr. Lewis in on the details.
Once I’m done, I can’t help but remember what she did this morning. “But she’s a good kid. She knows when she’s crossed a line. This morning, when I came into the kitchen, she was already there, dressed for school, and had asked Victoria—who usually takes care of our meals—to help her make my favorite breakfast.”
Over breakfast, when I asked about her room, her ears flushed red, and she promised she’d clean it this weekend. And I know she will.
I talk a little longer about routines and boundaries, and he offers a few suggestions, things I can bring up with Patricia, Alicia’s therapist.
Then I get to the hard part. “There’s been no progress with Ethan. I don’t even know how to reach my son.”
He nods, like he’s been expecting that.
“You mentioned the conversation you had with Ethan earlier this month,” he says. “But I need to understand more clearly where all of this tension between you is really coming from. From what you’ve told me, it sounds like the root of it goes back further than the affair or the divorce.”
“Now I realize I could have been a much more present father,” I say, dragging a hand through my hair. “But I think it started about four years ago—around the time Ceci got the offer from USA Today. If I’m honest, it began a little before that. But that offer was the spark.”
I swallow past the tight knot in my throat. “That was the first time Ceci and I fought for real. Days went by when we hardly spoke. Things got... tense at home.”
But as always, Ceci brought me back to myself, and I loved her too much to let that distance grow.If only that had never changed.
Dr. Lewis tilts his head, watching me closely.
“I asked about the root of the breakdown in your relationship with your son, and your mind went to a moment between you and your ex-wife,” he says evenly. “Not to your son. Why do you think that is?”
Ex-wife.Would that word ever stop hurting?
“I don’t know,” I say, shrugging. “I think it all started happening at the same time.”
He keeps his eyes on me, calm. “There’s something about that moment that clearly stayed with you,” he says. “Enough that it’s the first place your mind went. Can you walk me through it?”
I close my eyes, already knowing how ridiculous it’s going to sound once I say it out loud. But that doesn’t stop me from doing it anyway.
So I start talking.
Cecily
My heart’s still beating frantically as Alexander presses lingering kisses to my shoulder, his large hands soothing down my trembling sides. I drift in the afterglow, completely satisfied, with a lazy smile on my lips.
