I locked myself in the silence of the room. I paced for a while, an hour, maybe two, I don’t even know. Eventually, I laid on one of the beds, curling up in a ball, and fucking cried. Sobbing. This wasn’t what I wanted.
Any of this. I don’t know if it ever was.
Hours must’ve passed, because when I finally woke up, it was evening. And I wasn’t alone in the room.
Cal was there, laying on the mattress behind me. His warmth was everything I needed, everything I wanted, but I wasn’t deserving enough to have.
I wanted to curl up against his chest, to let him hold me, to feel him take all the pain from me. But that wasn’t an option anymore.
I sat up on my side of the bed, swinging my legs over it. Cal didn’t say anything, but he moved behind me. His arms wrapped around me, his lips gently kissing the side of my neck.
I wanted to melt. I wanted to collapse. To apologize for everything. To be everything he wanted. To be enough.
But instead, I pulled away. I stood up, and the pacing started again.
“What the hell, Si?” Cal asked. “What is going on with you? You were fine this morning, then it was like—”
“Like what!” I yelled.
“Like a fucking switch flipped, Silas!” He yelled back. “I have been driving myself up a fucking wall all day trying to figure out what I did. Jesus, I even asked Evan if he knew because you won’t fucking talk to me!”
“Everything,” I said with an exhausted laugh, one that wasn’t mine.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me! Everything! You did everything!”
“How is itmyfault your head is shoved up your fucking ass right now!” Cal yelled.
“Because I seem to be the only one of us worried about our fucking careers, Callum!” I shouted. “We can’t keep pretending that this wouldn’t end my career. It would, and you know that!”
Cal looked at me like I had shot him. And maybe in a way, I had.
“So thisonlyaffects you? I don’t have anything in this to lose when it comes to us?” he said.
“We never said we were anus.”
“Are you fucking for real, Silas! Did you actually just say that to me!” Cal screamed.
I clenched my teeth. I didn’t want to do this, but we had to. He needed to be set free, and I knew Cal would never allow that to be done easily.
“Callum, if I fuck up, I lose it all, I—”
“Oh fuck you, Silas!” he cut me off. “You don’t think I have anything to lose in this? You think it’s only you? And what fucking year do you think we live in? The nineties?! This isn’t the era of the Reed Brothers, Silas! The world has fucking changed! The NHL has a fucking gay player that came out over the summer, nobody cares if you’re fucking men, you dumbass!”
“Because that’s real, Cal! The NHL, the NFL, the MLB, that’s real! Those players have stats! They have good stats, they fucking play! We don’t! We have predetermined outcomes, we have choreographed matches, we have pushes when management thinks we’re ready. If we don’t sell, if we don’t get over, if we don’t convince the fans, we get released!”
“Oh, so getting railed by a man every night is going to fuck up your push? You are unbelievable, Silas!”
“No, but that would shatter kayfabe for us both!”
“Who in the actual fuck cares about kayfabe still, you fucking fossil?”
I took a sharp breath as I stared Cal in the eye. He was ready to break, and so was I. We both knew what was happening, even if it fucking killed us.
“I can’t pretend this is going to work,” I said as I walked toward my bag, zipping it shut.
“So that’s it? You get told you’re getting the push, and suddenly this doesn’t fit the mold anymore?” Cal said, his voice cracking. I couldn’t face him. I knew he was crying. I was too.
