“I hate this,” Cal whispered, his voice hoarse. “I feel… scraped out. I feel dirty.”
“You’re exhausted,” I said softly, thumbing a tear from his cheek. “Try to sleep.”
“I can’t,” Cal said, panic flaring again. “If I close my eyes, I’m back there. I need…” He looked at me, his eyes desperate and open. “I need you to bring me back. I need to feel you. Everywhere.”
I grabbed his hand, holding it tight, but I didn’t move yet.
“Cal,” I said, making sure he was looking at me. “You’re upset. You’re hurt. Is this really what you want? I don’t want you to use this just to numb it out.”
Cal squeezed my hand, shaking his head.
“I don’t want to numb it,” Cal whispered. “I want to feel safe. And this…” He gestured between us. “This is theonlyplace I feel safe. I want you, Si.”
“Okay,” I murmured, leaning in to kiss his forehead. “Lay back.”
Usually, Cal was the one who took charge. But tonight, he lay back against the pillows, surrendering completely.
I moved over him. I didn’t rush. I treated his body like it was something sacred. I kissed his forehead, his eyelids, the salt of his tears.
I moved down his body, kissing every inch of skin, worshipping him. I felt the tension slowly bleed out of him as I moved lower.
“Silas,” Cal breathed, his voice trembling.
I didn’t stop. I moved between his legs, nudging his thighs apart. He opened for me instantly, trusting me blindly. I kissed the inside of his thigh, hearing his breath hitch.
“Is this okay?” I whispered.
“Yes,” Cal choked. “Please.”
I tugged his briefs down and lowered my head. I didn’t just touch him; I worshipped him. I used my tongue to rim him, tasting him, claiming him in the most intimate way possible.
Cal let out a broken, shattered noise. He didn’t try to hide or turn away. He just lay there, completely exposed, his hips bucking up slightly, seeking the pressure.
“Oh god, Si,” he moaned, his fingers gripping the sheets. “Yes. Just like that.”
I lapped at him slowly, deliberately. I wanted to erase every bad memory, every fear, and replace it with this, pleasure, heat, and safety. I wanted him to know that no part of him was dirty to me.
He was shaking again, but this time it was from pleasure. He was completely vulnerable, and I held him through it.
When he was panting and wrecked, I pulled back, sliding up his body. Cal looked at me, his face flushed, his eyes wet with a mixture of tears and arousal.
He reached up, his hand trembling as he touched my chest.
“Silas,” he whispered, his voice cracking. “Hey.”
“Hey,” I murmured, brushing the hair from his forehead.
“Would you…” Cal hesitated, biting his lip, looking at me with an intensity that terrified me. “Do you want to top?”
Thequestion hung in the heavy air.
I froze. “Cal… I’ve never… I’ve never done that.”
“I know,” Cal whispered. “Me neither. I’ve never let anyone… not like that.”
It wasn’t just a sexual offer. It was the ultimate surrender. He was offering me the only thing he had left to give, his control. He was handing me the keys to his safety.
“Are you sure?” I asked, needing to hear it again. “We don’t have to.”
