Cal choked on the water he’d just opened. He was sputtering with a laugh before he could stop. “You dated a woman long term? Like… you chose to?”
I bristled immediately. “Yeah, is that some big deal? Why is that so hard to believe?”
“No, it just… I don’t know, Si,” Cal giggled, shaking his head. “You’ve told me you don’t like being the one in control. You like to not be on top, in fact, you’re fucking eager not to be. And you were back then, too. I just can’t picture you having to… be on the other side of things for two years.”
“Well, we didn’t exactly switch roles ever, did we?” I snapped back. “We were kids.”
“Oh, so it’s my fault you had to top a woman?” Cal teased, a smirk playing on his lips. “Because I didn’t put out more, you had to compensate?”
I rolled my eyes, feeling the heat rise in my neck.
“My point is, did you like that? Topping a woman is different, sure, and I know I’m the only guy you’ve been with—”
“Jesus, Cal, why are you so stuck on that? Is it an ego thing? ‘Oh look at me, I’m the Champion, I’m the only dick Silas Reed ever wanted’?” I teased.
Cal chuckled, the sound low and rough. “I mean yeah, I’m not gonna lie to you. I fucking love knowing I’m the only guy who’s ever fucked you into a mattress to the point where you’re drooling and can’t speak.”
My breath hitched at the image, but Cal waved a hand.
“You missed my entire point though. Do you like to top? At all?”
“I don’t mind it,” I stuttered, looking away. “It’s whatever. Besides, she worked constantly. She was a trauma nurse. Sex wasn’t exactly an all the time thing.”
Cal’s smirk deepened. He leaned forward, challenging me. “Oh, really? So you’re a switch now? I thought you wanted to be a pillow princess?”
My face was on fire.
“So, if I tell you right now to fuck me, you’ll do it?”
I froze. My mouth opened, but the hesitation was instant. My face scrunched in a mix of confusion and reluctance. I didn’t mind topping Cal, God, I definitely didn’t mind, but it wasn’t something I craved. Not often, anyways.
“No,” I admitted quietly, the fight leaving me. “I mean… I did it in Tampa because I wanted to be close to you, and I like doing it when you want me to. I like when you want me that way. But it’s not something I want to do all the time.” I lookeddown at the dark brown carpet. “I don’t like being the one in control. It feels like… like I’m performing.”
Cal’s expression softened instantly. “I kind of put that together.”
I looked up at him. “You would have let me? If I said yes?”
He shrugged. “If you needed it. But I’m glad you said no. I don’t like it unless I’m in the mood specifically for that, which as you know isn’t common.”
“What about you? Did you date anyone?” I asked, my voice dropping. The air in the room felt heavier.
Cal didn’t flinch. “I saw a few women over the years. Just hookups.”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek. I didn’t care about the women. The women were different. When I was younger, I always felt Cal’s interest in women was a threat to the space I occupied, but now, that felt like a childish thought process. His interest in men, however… that felt like a threat. Even as stupid as it sounded.
“And… guys?” I finally asked.
Cal sighed. He knew where this was heading before I did, I think. But the tunnel vision was already starting to consume me. “What does it matter, Si? You and I weren’t even friends.”
“I just want to know.”
“I wasn’t whoring around,” Cal said firmly. “But… yeah, sometimes. Two, maybe three times in seven years?”
The number was small, barely existent in a seven-year period, but inside my chest, I felt like a bomb went off.
The spiral started instantly. A movie reel began in my head, high definition and fucking intrusive. I saw Cal in bed with faceless men. Men who knew exactly what they were doing. Men who didn’t fumble with uncertainty. Men who weren’t weak. Men that didn’t have baggage like panic attacks that made them feel like the entire world was collapsing minutes after sexting about all the things they wanted him to do.
“So guys that knew what they were actually doing,” I muttered bitterly, my hands shaking. “Guys with experience, that knew how to touch you without asking.”
