Why would my alpha want me after this, either? I hadn’t even been able to keep Sage safe while Sergio was gone. I was a terrible mate.
“Dex, you need to breathe for us,” Eric’s voice broke through the storm clouds in my head, and he sounded…vaguely concerned. That was odd for him. At least when it was directed my way. “You’re hyperventilating right now.”
Was I? I hadn’t realized, but I guess that accounted for the tightness in my chest and the burn in my throat. I should probably be scared that breathing felt impossible in that moment, but the overwhelming grief of realizing what a spectacularly shitty mate I was coupled with the fear and worry over Sage’s situation overrode any worry about myself.
An insidious, dark idea crept into my thoughts then.
Perhaps Sage and Sergio would be better off if I did stop breathing.
“Dexter,” Eric’s voice morphed from concerned to something that was altogether too calm. “In and out for me. Like this. In…two…three…four, out…two…three…four.”
I tried to follow the instructions. I did. But ithurt, and my efforts were short and sharp and shaky.
I found myself being moved, manhandled into a seat. The comforting, electric alpha scent stayed close, though, even if the warmth of Beckett’s hold was gone.
“You’re having a panic attack, Dex,” Eric was still speaking in that measured tone which set my teeth on edge. “It will pass. You’re safe here. Can you open your eyes?”
Was it possible to feel embarrassed while in the middle of a breakdown? Because I did. So, I shook my head.
“Okay, okay. It’s all right.” Why the hell was Eric being so kind? Didn’t he want to strangle me for this? On top of everything else, I was being a burden when he and Brandt could still be focusing on helping Sage. “Keep trying to breathe for me.”
“I am,” I told him, my voice coming out choked and gravelly. “I can’t.”
“Shhh, yes you can. Concentrate on my voice. In for four, out for four, okay? In…”
I gave it another shot, making an awful stuttering sound, somewhere between a rasp and a wheeze, which ended in more ugly sobs.
“Good,” he still said, “can you tell me five things you can hear or smell?”
“W-what?”
“Try to focus on what you can hear and smell,” he repeated, “and tell me five things.”
What good was that going to do for Sage?
“Keep trying to breathe,” he reminded me. “Now focus on what I’m asking.”
I frowned, but did as I was told. “I can hear…a chair squeaking. And rolling.” I was counting that as two things.
“Good,” Eric sounded far too cheerful about that. “What about scent?”
I had to admit breathing was getting easier to manage as I inhaled deeply. The first thing that registered was Beckett’s alpha scent, which was still calming, and I clung to it.
“Alpha,” I answered, the tightness in my chest easing marginally. “And wolf.”
“Excellent. And the fifth thing?”
I took in a deeper breath.
There was something bubbly and sweet in the air. Something reminiscent of bubblegum, but less cloying. Sugary and light. Like a— “Unicorn!” I blurted, my eyes flying open with hope…only for that hope to come crashing down as I registered Micah shuffling into the room and sidling up to his mate. Brandt leaned into him, and the pair murmured quietly to each other.
Averting my gaze, I blinked away a new lot of tears as shame burned my cheeks and the back of my neck. My heart was still pounding a too-fast staccato beat inside my chest.
“Hey, it’s fine,” Eric said, moving around to crouch in front of my seat. “Dex…”
I swallowed roughly and shook my head. “No. It’s not fine.” My throat hurt from all the crying and the strained breathing, and my chest still ached, but I ignored it. At least speaking was getting easier again. “You should be worrying about Sage, not…whatever the fuck this” —I gestured vaguely over my body, slumped in the office chair— “is. Was. Whatever.”
“This” —he repeated my hand gesture blithely, waving it over me— “is a sign that you’ve been separated from your mates for too long. Combined with the shock of Sage’s condition and worrying about him, we…I…should have seen this coming.”
