“Of course it’s a bad thing! Normal people aren’t afraid they’ll kill themselves.”
“I think it’s perfectly normal to fear death, no matter how we envision it coming for us.”
My head jerks back in shock, but Dr. Krazinski just continues on. “I think that it’s a very good sign that you have this fear. It means that you don’t want to die, and that is how I know it’s time for you to go home. We’ve done all that we can in a controlled environment. Now you need to reintroduce the real world into your system and develop healthy coping skills. You’ll have me and your friends to help with this transition. You aren’t alone.”
“I’m not alone,” I say softly. “I’m not alone.” I repeat it more forcefully this time, and for the first time in a very long time, a part of me starts to believe.
Cooper
I jumped at the opportunity to spend more time together when Teddy offered to drive me home from the hospital. Now, as we stand outside my building, I’m practically paralyzed with indecision. Do I invite him up? I mean, this is Teddy. I don’t doubt my safety with him. My worry stems from something else entirely. What if he thinks I’m coming on to him?Isn’t that what inviting someone up means?I can’t cross that line. Dr. Krazinski has helped me make some pretty decent progress, but not that much. He still has no clue what happened after I moved. How can I explain withoutexplaining? Should I just explain? But how can I burden him with that? Maybe it’d be best to just—
“Hey.” A warm voice interrupts my internal meltdown. I look into his calm eyes and feel myself relaxing. Teddy raises his hand to my face, stopping just shy of actual contact, and I feel moisture fill my eyes as I lean into his touch. He wipes away the tear that’s managed to slip free. “Tell me what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours.”
“I was considering asking you to come up, but then I realized how that sounded. The rest was the Cooper Special: a silent crash out.”
He smiles softly as he continues gently rubbing my cheek. “I don’t have to come up if it makes you uncomfortable. I’m here no matter how much or how little you can give, LB—absolutely no expectations. You and me, that’s all I’ve ever needed.”
His words remind me exactly who this man is; who he’s always been. Teddy is my home. Something I’ve longed for since I was fourteen. Decision made, I nod. “Okay. I want you to come up, if you’d like. There are some things I think you should know, and if I’m being honest, I want you to know.”
His reply comes easily. “After you.”
Everett
Cooper opens the door to his second-story apartment, and we step inside. I follow his lead and leave my boots at the door.
“Would you like something to drink?” he offers.
“Some water would be good.”
“You can have a seat.” He gestures to the couch as he heads to the kitchen.
I start towards the couch as he suggested, but I find myself distracted by a painting on the wall. It’s breathtaking. With most of the canvas done in shades of black and white, it’s almost completely devoid of color, except for the bottom left corner, which is a vibrant kaleidoscope.
“This is the piece I’m most proud of.” Cooper’s voice comes from my right, startling me. I turn towards him and follow hisline of sight. Looking down, I realize I’ve been rubbing my chest. “What do you think?” he asks with a quiver in his voice.
“LB, this…” I blow out a breath. “This is incredible. I’m not sure why, but the color—here at the bottom—makes me incredibly sad.” As I hear my words out loud, my cheeks begin to heat. “But what do I know? I’ve never been good at art,” I say, gripping the back of my neck. Cooper’s sad smile as he gazes at the painting makes me think maybe I’m not so wrong after all.
He turns back to me, but his gaze avoids my face. “Why don’t we sit down? This is kind of a long story.”
“Sure.” Cooper lets me sit down first before choosing a spot far enough away that accidental contact won’t be an issue. Grief sweeps through me. The boy that used to climb on me like a spider monkey, without a care in the world, is long gone. I miss being able to touch him like I used to. The hugs. The cuddles. Petting his hair. The little, intimate moments that I was too young to fully appreciate. I miss that part of our connection, but not enough to risk his healing. Besides, every touch he initiates feels like the most epic victory. Earning his trust is no hardship. It’s an honor.
“So, this won’t be easy for me to say.” His fingers stop tapping on his thigh long enough to scratch his eyebrow but quickly return to their frenetic rhythm. “I think it might be easiest to just get it all out at once. If you can, try not to interrupt because I’m not sure I’ll be able to start again if I stop. Max is the only other person I’ve told, and even then, I only managed the highlights.”
“I meant what I said outside, LB. You give as much or as little as you want. I’ll be here no matter what.”
He nods and then hands me a business card that he’s pulled from the pocket of his hoodie. Looking down, I realize it’s for Dr. Krazinski’s office. “You might need to call him after I’m done,” Cooper says before taking a deep breath and beginning.
??
“The first six months with Silas were amazing and terrible. He was so understanding. I cried almost all the time. He told me it was okay to cry. It was okay to miss my parents. It was okay to be angry with them. He comforted me when I cried over missing you and not hearing from you. He became the father I never had.
“Things changed so slowly, I didn’t even notice at first. It was small things. He’d tell me you and my parents didn’t deserve my tears. That I had been abandoned, but he would always be there for me. His touches started to linger. My shoulder. My back. My elbow. All inconspicuous places. It was so nice being comforted. It reminded me of you.
“Then the photos started. They made me uncomfortable, but they weren’t inappropriate at first. He’d catch me shirtless, fresh out of the shower, or just lying in bed. Memories, he’d call them. He said normal families took photos all the time, and it only felt strange to me because my parents had been so neglectful. I knew Mom took pictures of us sometimes, so I ignored my discomfort.
“He was so smart about it. Every escalation was done so smoothly. He was able to explain away my unease with simple reminders about how I had never had a real family and didn’t understand how they worked. After I made it out, I realized that I did know what a real family looked like, because I had you and Mom, but at the time, his explanation sounded true.
“When it first became physical, I didn’t fight as much as I should have. I owed him after all. He’d saved me from poverty. He’d given me a family. He’d been patient and kind, and ‘couldn’t I just do this one thing for him?’ That worked for a while, but eventually I realized that what he was asking of me was wrong. I started to fight back, and that’s when the mask dropped.
