“When lunch was over and we were getting ready to head back outside, Mom gave us both a hug. I burst into tears almost as soon as her arms wrapped around me, because I couldn’t remember the last time, if ever, I had been shown affection. It startled her, and she tried to let go, already apologizing, thinking I didn’t like being touched. When I squeezed her tighter, unable to form the words, she lowered us both to the floor and just held me. She held me until my tears dried, while Teddy sat beside us, holding my hand.
“From that day on, I was always welcome in the Davenport household. I was always introduced as her bonus son. She bandaged skinned knees, scolded me when I got into fights, and taught me what it was like to love and be loved in return. It’s been thirteen years since I last saw her, and it hurts just as much as it did the day I told them goodbye.”
I become aware of my position. At some point, while I was talking, I must have drawn my legs up because I’m hugging my shins with my chin resting on my knees. I smile with nostalgia because this is the exact position I would sit in when Mom and I had one of our “talks.” We could chat for hours about anything and everything, from school to bugs to TV shows. It’s only now as an adult that I realize how special Mom really was—is—to have taken that time out of her day to give me the space to express myself freely.
“It sounds like you are very fond of your mom and Everett,” Dr. Krazinski says.
“They were my family. My whole world, really. The love that I have for them is endless,” I sigh.
“So, why has it been thirteen years since you last saw them? You’ve been an adult for eight, almost nine years now. What has kept you from them?” he asks.
It’s a reasonable question. One that anyone would ask after hearing the way that I talk about the two of them. I would almost write it off as innocent, but like I said, Dr. Krazinski is good at his job. He knows there’s something keeping me from them, but I’m not ready to open Pandora’s box just yet.
Breaking eye contact, I focus on the stain in the carpet beside the leg of Dr. Krazinski’s desk. The one imperfection in the room. A mess, just like me. “I thought we were supposed to finish on something that brings me joy,” I deflect.
“Fair enough, Cooper. I did say that, and I like to keep my word. I hope that soon, you will choose to share what it is that you keep locked away. We can’t keep avoiding your trauma forever. If you hope to make real progress, it will need to be addressed.” Doc pauses, letting his words sink in.
“I know. Trust me, I know, and I really do want to work through it all. You seem like a real good doctor. I’ve told you more today than I shared with my last three therapists combined. When it comes to my ‘trauma,’ as you call it, I’m just not ready yet. It’s big, Doc. Real big, and it weighs me down, so I constantly feel like I’m drowning. Reopening that wound may actually kill me in my current state.”
“Okay. I hear your boundaries, and I will respect them. I am very happy to see that you know your limits, and even happier to know that you will enforce said limits. Just know that when the time comes, I will push, and I will push hard, but I will also be here to help you pick up the pieces. Until then, why don’t we call it a day?”
Dr. Krazinski stands, and I follow suit. We cross over to the door. Only then do I realize that I’m still clinging to the blanket. “Why don’t you take that with you, and just bring it back the next time we visit?” he offers.
“Thanks, Doc.” I start down the hall before stopping. Dr. Krazinski is still standing in his doorway when I turn back. “For everything.”
Cooper
It’s been a few days since I first opened up to Dr. Krazinski. We’ve met once more since then, but it was a bad day. That session was a quiet one. I’ve been really thinking about what he said about what’s kept me from Mom and Teddy.
The truth is, when I first ran from Silas, I was terrified. I wanted nothing more than to go home, but I had no way of getting there. I could have called, but then I would have had to explain why I was running. The shame was a two-ton weight bearing down on me. My memories of Mom and Teddy were filled with love shining in their eyes, and I never would have survived it if that was replaced with pity or, god forbid, disgust.
I know better now. There might be some pity, which I can handle, but I know they would never be disgusted. At least, not by me. I’ve been waffling with the idea of inviting Teddy to visit, and at dinner, I made the decision to go through with it. As I approach the nurse’s station, I catch sight of Betty. Thankfully it’s not Teresa on duty. Teresa could give Nurse Ratched a runfor her money. No way she’d allow me a phone call outside of dedicated hours.
Nurse Betty glances up just as I reach the desk. Her white hair looks like clouds. She’s shorter than me and pleasantly plump. She’s soft enough that I just know her hugs would be perfection. Her smile is warm and inviting. It’s no wonder she works in psych—just the sight of her grandmotherly appearance is enough to have me relaxing some.
“Hey, Nurse B,” I say with a charming smile.
“Don’t you ‘hey Nurse B’ me, Mr. Sorenson. We both know you’re only here to ask me for something.” Betty may look like a sweet little grandma, but don’t let that fool you. The woman is a pistol, and she’s been around too long to put up with any of our crap.
Dropping the act, I say, “Fine, but just so you know, that was top-notch charm you just let me waste.” Betty’s blank stare tells me I better get to the point before I miss my opportunity. “Look, the truth is I made the decision to do something that kind of terrifies me, and I’m hoping you’ll let me use the phone. I kind of want to get it over with before I lose my nerve.”
She stares at me hard enough to see into my soul before responding. “I’ll make you a deal. You spend at least an hour with Lane tomorrow, and I’ll let you make your call.”
An hour…with Lane?! Betty has lost her mind. The guy can barely sit still, and he snaps at basically everyone anytime they look his way. I must be radiatingbitch, you crazyvibes because she squints at me, daring to say something. I may be reckless, but I ain’t stupid. I hold up my hands in surrender.
“I know Lane can be difficult, but he’s a good kid. I think, if you give him a chance, you might really like him.”
Doubtful.“You got yourself a deal.” I hold my hand out to shake and make it official.
Betty just rolls her eyes and slaps the receiver into my hand. “You got five minutes.”
Five minutes for an hour with Itchy Ian is hardly a fair trade, but again, I ain’t stupid. Pointing that out would only lose me phone time. Instead, I smile sweetly and say, “Thanks, Nurse B,” knowing she hates the nickname.
The phone rings so many times I start to thinkTeddy won’t answer, but then a breathless “hello” comes across the line.
“Oh, um, hey. I’m sorry, is this a bad time?”
“No. Sorry for breathing like an overweight bulldog. I’m at the gym right now, and the treadmill is definitely winning.”
