He laced his fingers together and rested his hands on his abdomen. “It is not my secret to tell.”
“Balderdash.” Southey trotted into the room, apparently finished with his evening meal, and plopped down by my feet. “You have no way of knowing what is, or isn’t, pertinent to the killings.” I sniffed. “And they’re notmymurders.”
He tilted his head. “Aren’t they? You seem to have taken ownership of them, or at least in trying to find the killer.”
“And you are trying to divert my attention from the matter at hand.” I heaved a breath. “I do have some skill at discretion. Ifit is truly unrelated to the murders, I won’t repeat one word that you tell me.”
He smiled. “I believe you. All I will say is that the other maid, Mary, got herself into a spot of trouble. I knew of a home not too far from here for girls who have gotten themselves in the same trouble and wrote a letter of introduction. Marie accompanied the girl to help her get settled.”
“Ah.” That seemed oddly decent of Ryder, considering he must abhor the activities that led to the maid’s ‘trouble.’ My heart sank. “Could Perrin have been the source of the trouble?” That opened up a whole other motive for his murder if he’d fathered a child with his maid. An angry father or beau. The girl herself feeling the earl wasn’t taking care of the situation properly.
I rubbed my forehead. I was getting a megrim.
“He was not,” Ryder said.
“You’re certain?”
“The girl was.” He rubbed his jaw. “She named a young man who works in the stables. Someone who has no desire to marry, even when I and the butler pressed him most severely. If I controlled the management of this estate, I would release him from employment.”
I rubbed the tip of my boot along Southey’s spine. “It takes two to make that kind of trouble.” It struck me anew the unfairness of it. How two people, in a happy, secure marriage, could try and try and never conceive, yet a baby could be blessed on those who didn’t want it. “You seem to have saved the girl from your condemnation and given it all to the boy.”
“I don’t condone either of their actions, but the girl wants to make the best of it. And she has the larger cross to bear.” He tipped his head to rest on the back of the chair and stared at the ceiling. “The boy is unrepentant.”
Repentance was always the key. An acknowledgement of one’s sins and an attempt to do better. The trouble came when one wasn’t certain if he or she had sinned.
The back of my throat went thick, loneliness swamping me. It had been so long since I’d had anyone to confide in, someone to help me find my way in this world. I usually had no trouble knowing right from wrong, but there were some days….
“You must have wondered what Mr. Taylor was referring to when he said Perrin voiced accusations against me,” I said quietly. “His words must have confirmed what you already think of me. A woman of low virtue.”
He turned his head, his eyes meeting mine. “That is not what I think. Even though you fail to appreciate the dangers your club presents to society, I hold you in high esteem.”
I smothered a laugh. “That I find difficult to believe.”
He returned his gaze to the ceiling. “I can’t control what you believe, only my own actions.”
I pushed up from my chair. Stepping over Southey, I went to the fireplace and stared at the flames. “Yet you must be curious what Perrin knew about me. Or thought he knew.” From the drafts of the letters he’d intended to send to the papers, it was clear that he hadn’t known everything.
“Who can know what all goes on inside another’s marriage? No one should even try. Some things are only meant to be known between husband and wife.”
There he went sounding reasonable again. I turned to glare at the man. “That hardly sounds like the words of the president of the London Society for Morality and Decency.”
“Do you want me to judge you?” Southey got up and sniffed the cuff of his trousers. Ryder bent and picked up the terrier, putting him on his lap. “We all err. None of us go through life blameless, least of all me. That doesn’t mean I won’t continue to push for a better world.”
I gripped the mantel, wondering just what sort of sins might lurk in Mr. Ryder’s past. He did have a surprising acquaintance with the crime lord Mr. Cooke, one he seemed loath to acknowledge. In his youth, had Ryder worshipped one of Aquinas’s four false idols? And which one was the greatest temptation for him: wealth, pleasure, power, or honor?
My curiosity piqued, and so did my suspicions. “You don’t want to know what Perrin intended to write to the papers about me? Even if it would help you in your quest to shut down my club?”
His look was kind and just a bit chiding. “Your personal life is your own. What I learn about it will be from that which you wish to tell me.”
My throat went thick. “There are some stories I’ll never wish to tell. But I do want you to know I loved my husband. I would never have turned to another man for base pleasure.”
There had been another reason. A reason I’d thought Cavindish had supported. He’d even introduced me to the man in question, given his silent consent, and left us alone.
Cavindish had sanctioned it, he’d understood, but perhaps, deep in his heart, it wasn’t something he could forget. And in the end, it had all been for naught. I still hadn’t conceived a child. We’d always thought the defect had been on Cavindish’s part. He’d been married before me, and no children had come from that union. Perhaps his first wife had been just as barren as it turned out I had been.
Ryder nodded. “I never would have believed otherwise.”
That only increased the ball of guilt in my stomach. A part of me would have preferred if he’d pointed his finger, called me ‘Jezebel’, turned his back on me. Such actions would have accorded more with what I wanted his character to be. It was harder to understand someone who targeted one’s business, deemed it immoral, but was also kind.
