“Sorry.”
Paige grabs each of us. “Group hug.”
For a brief moment, I let them sweep me into their arms, but then I extricate myself. Too much of that and I’ll start bawling. The scent of pancakes reminds me of the skillet, and I busy myself dishing one onto a plate and loading another into the pan.
“What’s on your mind?” Jessica asks as she pours juice into three glasses on the breakfast bar.
“Give me five minutes.” I finish cooking our breakfast and we sit together at the bar. I drag in a deep breath, not sure where to start, just knowing that I need to launch into it. “Yesterday, when I started bleeding, I felt so overwhelmed. I panicked. Didn’t know what to do. I called an ambulance, for God’s sake. I’m scared that I’m going to fall into old habits if I stay with Seth. I can’t go back to that dark mental place I was in before our divorce.”
“Okay, let’s break this down.” Jessica carves off a piece of her pancake, her table manners meticulous, and finishes it before continuing. “You started bleeding. You panicked. What happened next?”
Even the memory makes my mouth dry, so I sip my juice. “I called Seth.”
“And when he didn’t answer?”
“I called 911. Probably an overreaction, in hindsight, but the operator told me what to do.”
“So, you managed to organize an ambulance, and for Seth’s sister to support you, all on your own?”
“No.” Hasn’t she been listening? “The emergency services operator told me what to do.”
“Okay.” She nods but there’s a stubborn set to her jaw. “And who told you to call emergency services?”
“Common sense.” My frustration grows. She’s making out as though I didn’t have a breakdown.
“Whose common sense?” she persists.
I roll my eyes. “Mine, obviously. But I’m beginning to wonder if it was even that sensible to call 911 considering the price tag.”
Her expression softens. “You’re safe, and you have a wealthy man who—unless I’m mistaken—is probably happy to pay the fee if it gives you peace of mind. Isn’t that right?”
“Um, I guess so.”
“Iknowso.” She smiles sweetly. “So just to sum it up, it wasyourcommon sense that got emergency services coming to you—which is well within your means—and that put you in touch with the person who helped you navigate the situation successfully.”
Now it’s my turn to pause. I hadn’t thought of it that way.
“I… guess so.”
“Good.” She smiles with satisfaction.
“You handled yourself well,” Paige adds. “Anyone would have been upset in the circumstances, but you did what you needed to make sure you and the baby were safe.”
“But I felt overwhelmed,” I protest weakly. “Scared.”
Paige scratches her chin and turns to Jessica. “What’s that famous quote? Courage isn’t the absence of fear, but feeling the fear and doing it anyway?”
“Something like that,” Jessica confirms. “The point is, Ash, however you felt inside, you took the actions you needed to. Honestly, if you’re asking more of yourself than that, then I’m not on board with it.”
A weight on my chest lightens. When they put it like that, I can see where they’re coming from. For the first time since yesterday, I experience a flicker of pride. They’re right. I did do what was needed. Maybe my instincts made me want to play dead, but I didn’t let the fear win. I’m stronger than that. But I can’t ask myself to be perfect.
“Thank you.” I extend my hands to grab theirs. “I love you guys so much.”
Ihavechanged. And this version of me is capable of being in a relationship with a man like Seth, even when he gets bossy. Hopefully I haven’t pushed him away.
26
Seth
