Any words I might say get stuck in my throat, and a sense of powerlessness overcomes me. I don’t know what to say to make it better. It hurts that she’s willing to believe everything could play out like it did last time, when we’ve both grown so much. I don’t point out all the ways in which we’ve changed because I don’t want to upset her more than she already is. If I say the wrong thing, that could spell the end of us. I feel like I’m navigating a minefield with no idea where the mines are buried.
“Don’t push me away,” I plead. “You are strong. You took care of this all by yourself.Youdid that.”
She shakes her head again, the denial immediate. “I was overwhelmed.”
Don’t leave me.
My brain screams at me to do whatever it takes to make sure she won’t suddenly decide she’s had enough of me, the way she did last time.
“But you managed.”
“Barely.” The tears continue, and I ache for them to stop. How can I make her see that I won’t let her down again? That she and I are in this for good? “I called a freaking ambulance. I could have asked one of my colleagues for a ride to the hospital or called a friend but I couldn’t even handle the idea of it. God knows how much it will cost when I get the bill.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll cover it. I always,alwayswant you to be safe, no matter the price. You’re the most important thing.”
She makes a miserable sound that guts me.
“I love you, Ash,” I tell her. “What do you need right now? I want to help.” When she doesn’t say anything, my desperation grows. “What if I promise you’ll never be alone again?” Inspiration strikes, and I reach into my pocket and pull out the box I’ve been carrying around since she told me she loves me. Popping it open, I show her my wedding ring. The one I never let go of no matter how much I told myself it was over. “Let’s make it official. Marry me again.”
Her lips part, and her eyes widen with shock. She looks from me to the ring and back. “Seth…”
“Say yes.” The seconds drag out and I feel like a fool, but I was going to do this eventually anyway, so why not now?
“Have you been listening to a word I said?” she demands, her voice shaking with emotion. “I can’t do this with you right now. I need time to think.”
Panic seizes me. She’s saying no. Fuck, she’s saying no.
“You can have however much time you need,” I promise. “We don’t have to get married tomorrow.”
She blinks rapidly, and wipes her eyes with the backs of her hands. “Put it away. We can’t have this conversation when our emotions are running high.”
“But we can have it later?” I clarify, because if she’s trying to blow me off, I won’t let it go so easily.
“Yes.”
“Okay.” She isn’t ready now. I accept that. “Can I hold you at least?”
“I guess.”
Her disinterest is a blade to my heart. I pull her into my embrace, but even though I can feel the warmth of her skin, she’s a million miles away, and I’m not sure I can close the distance between us.
Ashlin
My instincts rage at me to put distance between Seth and I. To say whatever it takes to make him leave. There’s so much going on inside my head that I don’t have the energy to withstand both him and my own negative thoughts. But even with all of that, I recognize that I’m not being fair to him. He’s had as much of a scare as I have, and it’s not his fault that I haven’t come as far as I believed I had. My emotional breakdown isn’t on him.
“Are you hungry?” he asks after a while.
My stomach churns with a combination of nausea and fear. Hunger is pretty much impossible, but I know I need to feed our baby.
“Maybe for something small.”
“Okay. You stay right here. I’ll be back.” He disentangles himself from me and kisses my forehead before leaving. That gentle caress nearly starts the waterworks again. Ugh, I hate feeling like this. So out of control. I forgot the havoc pregnancy wreaks on my hormones.
I’m not sure how long I stay alone for, but eventually Seth returns, bringing with him something that smells amazing. Suddenly, I’m ravenous.
“What’s that?”
He smiles. “Potato and gravy. From a packet, I’m afraid.”
