His lips press together, and he doesn’t budge from his position on the door. “You’re blowing hot and cold, Harls, and I think I know why. You’re afraid I’ll burn you. But I won’t, swear to God. You’re not the only one here with feelings, and I’m not sure I can handle being frozen out again when you get cold feet.” His chest rises and falls. “It kinda sucks.”
It does—I can see that—and I don’t want to hurt him. That isn’t part of my plan, but it seems to be a side effect of my self-preservation instincts.
“I’m sorry.”
He nods. “Thank you. I didn’t say any of that to guilt you, I just want you to understand where I’m coming from.” He shifts from one foot to the other and drops his hands to his sides. “I don’t only want sex from you, and if that’s all you can give then it might be best if we slow down.”
My internal reaction is an immediate and vehement refusal. Ending whatever is happening between us feels wrong. Strange, when I should be thanking him for the easy out and backing away before my heart gets more involved.
“No.” My heart thump-thumps in an unfamiliar way, and I take a step toward him. “I don’t want that.”
He wets his lips. “Well, then, what do you want?”
“To believe you.” The statement gusts from me on a breath. “So badly.”
He glances up at the ceiling, and a muscle ticks in his jaw. “Why don’t you?”
“Because…” I try to gather my scattered thoughts, which seems to be a regular thing for me lately. I’m nowhere near as poised or collected as I used to be, and I’d like to blame it on him, but he’s only part of the equation. “In my experience, trust gets broken.”
“I won’t do that.” He holds my gaze, unwavering. “I’m not afraid to put in the hard yards until you believe me.” His smirk becomes cocky. “Besides, you can’t lump me in with that other asshole. I’m not him.”
He’s right. He’s not. He’s more dangerous. Because I’m out of control around him. But then, I’m also tough. Really, it boils down to one thing: do I trust myself to survive whatever comes my way?
The answer is a resounding yes. I can survive anything. So I nod, and take his hand, and let him lead me to his room.
ChapterFifteen
Devon
The rest of the week is a cycle of awesomeness. True to her word, Harley doesn’t try to push me away again, and while she maintains clear boundaries at the gym, she seems to have worked out how to avoid raising Seth’s suspicions at home. When I ask about it, she just says she’s given him the impression she’s staying with a friend she met in Thailand. Another lie that weighs on my soul. But despite the deception, she and I grow closer, and when I’m with her, I can be completely myself. She doesn’t care if I need to stay at the gym later to perfect a kick or do a few more reps on the weights and likewise, I’m happy to hit a bag while she practices grappling with Jase. He and Seth are her main training partners, although she and I spar sometimes. On the whole, we’ve decided it’s best not to grapple since rolling around on the floor gets us a little too excited.
She has a playful nature that’s beginning to shine through now she’s letting her guard down, and I love it. She’s competitive too. When we playfight in my apartment, she hates to lose. She pouts and grumps until I bring her around by worshiping her body the way I know she likes it.
On Friday, we’re lying on the sofa—me on the bottom, her on top, her cheek resting on my chest—when I take the plunge and do something I’ve been building the courage for all day.
“We’ve got something really good going here, don’t we?” I ask.
“Mmhmm,” she murmurs in agreement, her fingers toying with the collar of my shirt.
I pause. Now comes the hard part. I hate to pop the peaceful bubble around us, but it needs to happen. My self-respect won’t allow the lies—even lies by omission—to continue any longer. “Just think how much better it could be if we didn’t have to sneak around.”
She stiffens, and her chin tilts up, her hazel eyes locking on mine. “You want to tell people?”
“Well, yeah.” I smooth her hair back off her face, fingers trailing along her sharp cheekbones. “We’re good together, and the past week has been so nice—better than nice, actually. The best damn week of my life. But I don’t want to hide anymore. I hate having to treat you like any other training buddy... Do you trust me enough to go public?”
“Dev—”
“Imagine it,” I continue, unwilling to let her complete the thought. “We could spend time together in places other than my apartment. Eat out. Do activities like a normal couple. You wouldn’t need to constantly be on edge about Seth finding out.” It sounds like bliss to me, so I can only hope it sounds half as appealing to her. After what happened in Thailand, I understand her reluctance, but I’m also afraid that the longer she holds back, the harder it will be to come clean. Maybe she won’t ever want to. It’s possible that her fear will prevent us from being as good together as I know we can be. Surely I’ve proven myself by now.
“I suppose so,” she mumbles, burying her face in my chest. From the tension in her shoulders, I can tell she has more to say and I wait, not rushing her. Finally, she draws back far enough to look at me. “Emotionally, I’m ready, but we need to ease into it. I’m still too raw to just rip off the band aid.”
“Okay.” I have her agreement, and joy bubbles up within me. I kiss the top of her head. “Thank you, baby. This means a lot to me.”
She smiles tentatively. “I know. You’re okay with taking it slow?”
I nod. “The sooner the better as far as I’m concerned, but as long as I know for sure it’s happening, we don’t have to tell everyone at once.” I laugh, seeing her surprise. “We’re on the right track. I don’t mind waiting for a couple of days to do it properly.”
“All right.”
