He chuckles but doesn’t say anything, letting me continue at my own pace.
“I have a question for you.”
“Shoot.”
I pause, wetting my lips, unsure of whether I really want to know the answer. “If you have to make a similar choice in future—something with me versus a last-minute MMA event—would you choose differently?”
A silence hangs in the air between us.
Oh.
Oh.
“Sydney…” He sounds tormented, and maybe it makes me a bad person, but it’s satisfying as hell. “I didn’t choose MMA over you, and this was a one-off. The same situation isn’t going to come up again.”
“But if it did.”
He ignores me. “Can I come over? I need to be with you.”
“No.” I hold up a hand as if he’s standing in front of me. “Nuh-uh. I need the distance to think clearly.”
“And what are you thinking?” His tone is soft. Wary.
“I’m thinking that I asked too much of you when we got together.” I sigh. “You can’t put me first. You don’t know how to put anything ahead of MMA—including your own health—and I understand why, but my initial reason for looking for love elsewhere still stands. We want different things. I’m ready to commit the time and energy needed to build a relationship, and I just don’t think you’re there yet. I’m not saying that to be negative or to make you feel guilty, it’s just the way it is. With where we each are in our lives, I don’t think our relationship can work.”
“Wait, what?” He sounds panicked. “Syd, it was one night, and you’re ready to throw everything we have away? I’ll make it up to you,carino, I promise. As soon as the Ruby Knuckles is over, you and I can take a long weekend trip to the beach. I’ll slow down for a while and spend some time with you. I know how much you’ve always wanted to go there.”
His offer is tempting. So tempting. But I want more than whatever scraps of time he has left over between fight camps. I want to be part of his life all the time, not just when he can make room for me. No other fighter I’ve met trains as hard as him, and I respect his work ethic, but the fact remains that he could ease back his training by a fraction and carve out enough time to make me happy. He simply won’t.
“No, Gabe. Spending time with me shouldn’t be a chore, or another responsibility that you need to fulfill at a later date. I don’t want to be a burden or something that brings you down. I want to be the thing you look forward to, and the person you turn down other things for because you can’t stand being away from me.”
“It’s not like that,” he protests. “Is this because of the fight? Can I remind you that you said I should do it?”
“After asking you to come to the wedding and getting told it was only one night. No big deal, right? Well, you know what? A fight is only one night too, and I’ve never belittled one of yours or made it seem unimportant. I’ve been there to support you every step of the way.”
“I know you have. And I want to give you what you need.”
“But you can’t, can you?” I ask softly.
His silence speaks volumes, but after counting to five with no reply, I hear him say, “I’d like to try.”
“I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to let you,” I choke out.
“Please…”
“I need some space.” I end the call.
19
Gabe
I fucked up. I fucked up bad.
Worse, I didn’t even realize how much I’d fucked up until now. Even if it bolstered my confidence, taking that fight wasn’t worth losing Sydney. But then, I never believed I’d actually lose her, so how did I end up here? I was sure she’d look at me with disappointment—which would have been bad enough—and then give me the opportunity to redeem myself. By nature, she’s a forgiving person. She doesn’t hand out ultimatums or walk out on people after they screw up once.
Okay, so maybe it was more than once.
I don’t know what to do, or how to handle this. I want to ride my motorcycle over to her place and bash on the door until she lets me in, then grovel until she admits she loves me, but something tells me that isn’t the right tactic to take. She isn’t reacting to things the way I’m accustomed to. She’s making changes in her life, and I’m afraid that if I make one more misstep, cutting me out will be another of those changes. I can’t let that happen. Not when I love her the way I do. And maybe I’ve been shitty at showing it, but I can do better.
