Fingers tore at mine, desperate to regain the air I was depriving her lungs. She was strong, but I was stronger. I only dug deeper the more she struggled.
Until... she relaxed.
The hands which had tried to tear mine away settled against the sides of my face, warm and gentle. “I will not harm you. It’s okay. You’re okay.” The voice was hoarse, barely above a whisper.
And it wasn’thervoice at all, nor was it my rage coursing through my blood.
I released my grip instantly, hands shaking with the weight of what I’d done. “Alandris—I—I’m so sorry.”
He rubbed at his neck, sitting up at the waist, me still perched in his lap from where I'd crawled over-top of him in the midst of my madness. “You didn’t go on long enough to cause damage.” He pulled my trembling hands into his. “You’re safe. I’m safe. I promise.”
We stayed in silence for several long minutes, Alandris rubbing circles along my back as I forced my breathing to steady. He did not ask me what had happened. He simply waited. His patience was the only thing that stopped me from breaking completely, because what had happened was that I’d lost control—worse than ever before.
I’d believed I was Zaelos. I’d witnessed one of his memories, and I’d felt his emotions as raw and real as if they were my own. For those few moments, our souls joined as one, and I wanted nothing more than revenge upon those who scorned me. His hatred was infinite, and so mine was, too.
I didn’t dare reach for him now. Didn’t dare check if he lingered just below the surface, or if he was sleeping soundly somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind. If he knew how close he’d come to freedom, he would never relent. I was on borrowed time.
“I had a dream,” I finally spoke. “It was a memory of Zaelos’s—one of Amorphael. We need to leave at daybreak. We cannot delay any longer.”
Alandris pressed his lips together and gave a tight nod. I was certain he was worried about whether I was yet strong enough to take on Zaelos. “What did you see?”
“The flower—the one Amorphael used to create the tincture I’ve been using to keep Zaelos at bay—it contained a fragment of his soul.”
Alandris cursed under his breath. “Why would she do such a thing? Even if it quieted him for a short while, it no doubt grew his strength.” He bit the tip of his thumb. “She wouldn’t be so foolish to believe the benefits outweighed the risks. There must be more to it.”
“I can’t claim to understand her strategy, but I do know we need to move. I’ve never been more in sync with Zaelos than I was just now. If it happens again...”
“It won’t. I will begin preparations.” Alandris pulled me tight against his chest. “I wish we had more time to train. I will always wish we had more time, but you are strong enough to beat him, Nairu.”
Any answer I could give would not be fully honest, so I remained silent in his embrace. I was as confident as I felt powerless. As assured as I was hopeless. There was no way of knowing what the Soulseer would show me. All I could have was hope.
I walked the gangway onto the Phoenix Heart towards what felt like my most perilous journey yet. It was a perfect day for sailing—comically so, given the glum circumstances of our destination. The sun beamed across an azure sky, filled with just enough cloud cover to keep the air cool and comfortable on the seas. The waves were calm, lapping against the sandy shore in a gentle kiss. A sailor’s dream.
Kaz, Kaelias, and Zorinna had met us at the dock, though I’d refused an official send-off. I wouldn’t bother saying farewells, because I had every intention of making it back alive.
Our small, makeshift crew worked hard to set sail. What Alandris and Jyuri lacked in nautical knowledge, they made up for tenfold in—well—magical prowess. I could see Lorian watching them with a sparkle in his eye, no doubt cataloging their strengths and weaknesses as pirates. Even now, he effortlessly shifted into the role of Captain.
“What would it take to get you to join the crew after all this?” Lorian called to Jyuri, who was tying off an impressive bowline knot.
Jyuri scowled. “I’m not going to dignify that with a response.”
Lorian chuckled under his breath and turned to Alandris, his next victim. “And you?”
“I suppose it depends,” Alandris answered, meeting my gaze. “I’ve committed to following a certain someone. She’s not yet made it clear if she seeks a life of adventure. or one of quiet.”
Now it was my turn to face Lorian.
“Nairu.”
“Captain.”
“Did you enjoy life on the seas?”
I smiled fondly, recalling every wild, dangerous stunt we pulled over the years. “I did.”
He drummed his fingers along his chin. “I’ll let you ponder over my offer for a while.”
And so I would. I appreciated the distraction for what it was worth. Focusing on what I intended to do with my future was better than worrying about whether I would survive the next few days. Maybe that had been Lorian’s intention after all. He was always good about that.
