“What—what did she offer you?”
He shook his head, closing his eyes. “Ask her yourself after you live through this. That is the least you can do to repay her.”
I didn’t bother him with any further questions. Testing the limits of his temper while I was incapable of moving my body seemed unwise. He’d already proven back at the Consortium that his bargain with Zorinna didn’t mean he couldn’t hurt me. I was certain there were plenty of things, plenty of loopholes hecould exploit, which would make me wish for a death he could no longer give me.
It was another reason I could not fail this time. Jyuri had been the one to end me in the past before Zaelos could take over my body. With Zorinna’s bargain, that wouldn’t be a plausible backup plan this time, and I wasn’t certain anyone else would possess the power to stop me. In my past lives, when Zaelos had begun to blur the lines between our two souls, I’d been near unstoppable. And if what Zaelos had said the last time I’d died was true, I might not have another chance… my soul might not be able to handle another fracture.
I didn’t know if that meant my next death could put an end to this cycle, or if it meant Zaelos would succeed, either way I would not take that risk.
It took one more night before I could move, and another night after that before I could walk more than short distances on my own. Jyuri made himself sparse, except to inform me that there was still no word on Alandris’s location, so I took to exploringthe area he’d left me in by myself. I was growing stir-crazy inside the room with nothing to do but dwell on the past—several pasts.
The building itself was made of dark wood with a vibrant, turquoise-tiled roof that curved at the edges and paper-thin white partitions in lieu of walls. A veranda surrounded the building on all sides, with stone pathways leading from the front and back, one towards a small hot spring, and the other towards the front gate. A wooden fence surrounded the entire area, which I dared not venture beyond. As expected of the Winter Court, a thin layer of white coated everything except the warm, bubbling spring.
It was hauntingly beautiful, in a way only the Faewilds, a place ripe with old, untamed magic, could be.
I stared down into the clear spring water, startling at my reflection. At first glance, I looked no different from before, but there was something harrowing there in my eyes. A culmination of the desires of too many lives. Some wanted revenge, some wanted peace, and some wanted love, and I felt like I owed all of them a resolution. Remembering their suffering wasn’t enough—I owed each piece of me freedom from the life we’d had to live.
The only way I could do that was if I defeated Zaelos. Only one of us could possess this body—this magic.
Shadowy tendrils slithered beneath my skin as if in answer. So it still answered me in a place where Zaelos couldn’t reach. That was good. I needed to be capable of commanding the magic on my own, without his influence. No, more than that. I needed it to answer to me, and only me, when we both beckoned it to the surface.
Twirling my fingers, I manifested a writhing ball of shadow in the palm of my hand. It came to me more easily than it ever had before. This was barely a drop of my magic. I could reach so much deeper. That wasn’t the greatest revelation, though. Itdidn’t hurt; it left no marks, and for the first time, I could take in a full breath.
This was how magic was supposed to feel.
“You didn’t waste any time.” Jyuri’s voice appeared from behind.
I turned to face him. “I never realized how wrong it felt when I tapped into my magic before. It wasn’t supposed to hurt, I knew that much, but I didn’t know it would feel so…”
“Good?”
“More than good. It’s amazing.” I swallowed. “I remember my first life—how weak and broken I was. That was partly why they chose me to be Zaelos’s vessel. They weren’t cruel enough, at the time, to outright abandon an orphaned girl who could provide little to nothing to the community. Zaelos provided the perfect opportunity for them to dispose of me in a way that would not weigh too heavily on their conscience. It was for the betterment of our people, after all. Who would question the decision to sacrifice an innocent girl if it meant saving the rest of them?
“I was so weak I didn’t even fight them on it. What was I going to do? I had no magic, no physical prowess, no will. I could have run for the wood, but I would have been dead within the week. My choice was survival, hoping for the strength to repay them someday for everything they’d done to me.” I gritted my teeth. “This magic is mine. I am strong enough now to give them what I know they deserve, and yet…”
Jyuri’s lip curled into a faint smirk. “You are questioning if it is just?”
“The people now living in the Northern Expanse are not the same people who betrayed me in my first life. Do I have the right to punish them for the actions of their ancestors?”
“Ah, Humans are so humorous.” He took a few steps closer. “Those with power are the predators, and those without are the prey. This is a simple fact. Whether it is morally right issomething only you mortal folk struggle with. Punish them if you so desire. Don’t if you do not.”
I sighed.If only it were that simple. “Their elders forced them into their way of thinking. They see their god and their Saintess as the only thing capable of saving them from damnation. The rules, rituals, and beliefs they grew up with are normal to them. It is all they know.”
“Then you pity them.”
“I was one of them.”
“You owe them nothing,” Jyuri replied. There was a hiss of anger in his words that I hadn’t expected, but I got the feeling it wasn’t on my behalf. “Those worthy of your love and mercy would not put you in a situation where you had to sacrifice yourself for their benefit.”
Frowning, I answered, “I suppose not, but I can’t make a decision today. There are more pressing matters. If I cannot master my magic and defeat Zaelos, none of this will matter.”
The change of subject seemed to quell his simmering temper. “That is why I’m here.”
My heart thundered in my chest. “You’ve found Alandris?”
“He is in Val’Naeris.”
“That isn’t far from the Consortium at all. Why aren’t we going there now?”
