I loosened my grip. “Why? Why didn’t you say something?”
“I’ve experienced worse.”
All you are is suffering. All you do is hurt.
My eyes widened at the sound of the sinister voice curling in the corners of my mind.
You don’t belong here, little monster. We are better on our own. How many more people do you have to destroy before you understand?
A shooting pain traveled up my spine and pulsed through my head. I winced, digging my fingers into my temple as I bent at the waist. My heart raced, a cold sweat flushed my skin, and nausea roiled the contents of my stomach until I could barely breathe. Short, quick breaths were not enough, but it was all I could do to stop from suffocating. The room went out of focus, my eyes struggling to steady with the rest of me.
I felt strong hands cup the side of my face, but I couldn’t fully register the male in front of me. “Look at me, Nairu.” Alandris’ voice was faded, but it was the only thing grounding me. “I’m here with you… just look into my eyes. We’ll breathe together, alright?”
I nodded, beginning to see him clearly. The crystalline blue of his eyes. His dark lashes. I counted them with every inhale and exhale.
“That’s good.” He nodded along with me, rubbing his thumbs along my cheeks in a slow, circular pattern.
I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but at some point, the room came back into focus, and I could hear something other than the blood coursing through my veins. The panic had passed and left in its wake was the crippling exhaustion and embarrassment that I’d let Alandris witness me in such a vulnerable state. I hadn’t had time to get somewhere private to deal with it myself. He’d been there, coaxing me through it. That hadn’t fully processed yet.He’d been there for me.
I took a step back from him, escaping his hold on me. “I—well, thank you, and I’m sorry.”
He dragged his eyes over me, as though checking for injury. “Has this happened before?”
“When I fought that Fae—Jyuri—on the ship. Something similar happened when I used my magic. It became unbearably painful and I….”
I didn’t think it was best to mention that I’d been hearing a voice in my head, or seeing a twisted version of myself in the mirror. Not only to Alandris, but to anyone. I needed to figure out what was going on before I admitted to absolutely losing it. What had just happened was bad enough….
Alandris ran a hand through his hair and heaved a sigh. “This shouldn’t be happening.”
“It’s probably stress,” I explained, but he’d stopped looking at me and was pacing the room, focusing on some thought in his head.
“It may be best if we cut back on these individual lessons. Once a week will suffice. Let’s take things slow until we know howyour magic will affect you. There are things I hadn’t taken into consideration. I will need to reassess our situation.”
He was half talking to himself, half talking to me, but I still responded, “sure, slow.”
“We’ll stop for today.” He looked up at me. “Do you want me to walk you back?”
“No. No, I’m fine.”
I practically sprinted out of his study and back to my room. There were several reasons I needed to get away from Alandris. When I entered the door, I was so distracted by my racing thoughts I nearly missed Luelle sitting on her bed thumbing through a book.
“Nairu, are you well?” She asked, lifting her head. “You look absolutely haggard.”
I glanced at the mirror on the wall and stiffened. For one, she was right. The color had completely drained from my face, leaving my skin with a deathly gray sheen. My under eyes were darker yet, and the white of my eyes were spotted red with burst blood vessels. Beyond my ghastly appearance, the sight of the mirror made my skin crawl. If I weren’t sharing the room with someone else, I would’ve taken it down or covered it. I wanted nothing that reminded me of the monster tormenting me.
“I’m tired, is all. I was training with Alandris, and it was tougher than I expected.”
She raised a brow. “Oh?”
“No.” I plopped down on my bed, sinking into the mattress. “Not ‘oh’. Very much not ‘oh’.”
“I wasn’t implying anything.”
“Oh?” I parroted back to her.
Luelle set down her book, a playful smile lighting up her face. “However, if I were an observant person who prided myself on possessing a wealth of knowledge on various subjects, I would tell you that not once in the history of ever has the Grand ArchMagus personally trained anyone.” She coughed into her fist. “Ever.”
“And if I were someone who was well-versed in how to read someone’s behavior, I would tell you he thinks I’m a liability, that I’m too far behind the other Mages, and that he can eventually use me for something if he trains me.” I thought of his reaction to my panic attack—the genuine concern and care he’d shown. “And that if he isn’t a complete ass, maybe I’d willingly let him… use me.”
