"It’sjustlikeanythingelse," I whisper, staring at the pre-filled syringe, still wrapped and sealed in its packet.
The thing has just been…looking at me, and for some reason, I can’t peel my eyes away.
"Just rip it open, pop off the lid, and jab it in. You literally hadtwospinal taps within a twenty-four-hour period. That’s needles. Deep in your spine." I don’t know why I feel the need to say any of this out loud, like I wasn’t there when it all happened. Like I didn’t have to be curled up in a ball the first time while they numbed my back, then proceeded tomissthe spot they needed to drain the fluid.
The student doctor literally said ‘whoops’, then told their boss in a whisper that they didn’t think they were ready to be completing such a ‘complex task’.
Going over everything once more, I check for my sharps container, making sure the is lid firmly secured, alcohol wipes to clean the site of my choice, cotton wool to stop any potentialblood from dripping out, and the ice pack that’s no longer frozen because it’s been sitting on my vanity for the better part of an hour.
My phone buzzes beside it, and I swipe the screen down to turn it onSleepmode.
I don’t need a distraction.
I just need to do it.
Shaking every inch of my body free from the anxiety rippling through me, I rip my singlet over my head, peel off the protective covering from the needle, and stare at it for a long fifteen seconds before my trembling hands place it back down.
I tear open the alcohol wipe, my traitorous hands and brain unable to find common ground to stop the shaking in them. I clean a spot next to my belly button, blowing out a heavy breath, ignoring the pulsating in my head that’s trying to steer me out of the bathroom and back into bed to give up.
"Fuck it," I say quickly, ripping the lid off the tip of the needle, letting it hover above the disinfected area of my skin for less than a second, and I pierce it into my flesh.
I squeeze my eyes shut, the needle penetrating my skin, feeling the sting, but only just.
"Okay,okay, that was fine." I breathe deeply and swallow hard. "Now you just need to put a little pressure on the end and press…yep, exactly like that. Job well done, Olive." Talking out loud and giving myself praise helps.
I had tohearthe words and not just in my head, that I had done what I needed to do. And that I’d done it well.
Slowly, I remove the needle from my skin, a tiny drop of crimson spilling out just below the site. I clean it up quickly with the cotton wool.
Once I see it come back clean, I decide to skip the ice pack, throw my singlet back over my head, and smile at myself in the mirror.
Dark circles are under my eyes, and my hair is an absolute bird’s nest on top of my head, but I did it.
I did it.
Now it’s time to face reality, and stop ignoring my phone that—even on sleep mode—has not stopped buzzing.
Which tells me two things.
One: The people listed as my emergency contacts have incessantly tried to contact me.
Two: It’s probably an emergency, and I completely ignored it.
There’s a string of texts from the Herring Girls group chat that I can ignore for now. Missed phone calls from my mom, I can return later.
But the influx of calls, texts, and voice messages from Josie? That’s something I cannot skim past.
What’s worse? The fist that is currently pounding on my door, making their presence known, forcing me to deal with whatever this is head-on.
"Coming!" I shout, cleaning up any evidence that could give me away before I’m ready.
Josie is my manager, I shouldn’t keep something like this from her, not when she could no doubt be the support I need. But how am I supposed to tell her, when I can’t even say the words to myself?
"Sorry," I say breathlessly, ripping the door open. "I slept in, and took a shower. I didn’t hear my phone," I ramble, coming up with the best lie possible, and she pushes past me, shoving her phone in my face.
"Remember how I told you there would be news you weren’t expecting?" she asks, and while I vaguely remember it, I remember nothing else.
"Sure." I close the door behind me. Turning, I see her holding her phone out for me to take.
