Maybe it was time to do a bit of soul-searching.
Yesterday I’d been so anxious and unsure.Not knowing how I was going to broach the subject of Dad, what I’d found, and how it led me to Ashton.Then, to meet him, expecting...I don’t know what I was expecting.
To me, he was never a guy on a screen.I always saw more than was there.The smallest shift of focus, as if he were casting his mind to a different place.Sometimes I thought his smile looked a little off, a little brittle.Like he was going through the motions and his heart wasn’t in it.
Talking to him, seeing his flat, being in his space.It was like he was two different people.
Both intrigued and captivated me.It was so much more than that, though.I suppose I was just trying to analyse why he appealed to me on so many levels.All those years working in an office, surrounded by men, yet only Ashton sparked my interest.Andthenit was only because of Dad.
Have I been so wrapped up in feeling inadequate in my professional life that I hadn’t stopped for a second and thought why women just didn’t appeal?
Was I really that insecure in my ability?
Ugh, yes, it’s very much looking that way.
I’m usually more self-aware thanthis.
More rational.
The fact that I’m only realising this now makes me wonder at just how blinkered and oblivious I’ve been.
How much time have I wasted living in limbo?Not recognising parts of myself, ignoring them, pushing them aside, and...redirecting myself somewhere else?
Somewhere safe?
Somewhere where I didn’t have to question what lay at the heart of me.
Denying myself.
Why would I do that?
Because...
Because why?
Because lying to myself saved me from the possibility of rejection
There it was.
The truth I’d been dancing around for years finally stepping into the light like it had been waiting for me to stop running.
Rejection.
Not from women.
Not from colleagues.
Not even from Ashton.
From myself.
I’d built my whole life around being safe.Predictable.Acceptable.
The good son.
The reliable employee.
The man who never made waves.
