Reading before bed wasn’t helping, either.I’d hoped staying up until my eyes grew tired would be enough to help me drop off.But my brain was still running amok.Every time I thought I was drifting off, the image of those graphic photos would spring up, and I’d be back to thinking about that email address.
Had Dad contacted that bloke for a hookup?Hell, was it even called a hookup back then?
The date wasn’t lost on me — 2016.I’d been at Uni then, so I had no idea what Dad was doing when he wasn’t at work.
I’d shown Evan the photo I’d taken of the fuck list, and he just sat there with his mouth wide open like he was trying to catch flies.Like some human Venus flytrap.
“Well, fuck me,” Ev says when he finally found his voice.“You know, I always thought your dad was hot.I’d have let him fuck me for free!”
Those were not words I ever wanted to hear my best friend say.
Seriously, the image being painted in my head was...nope.Not going there.This is me screeching to a halt and turning my thoughts in another direction.
“God!I’m just saying.You don’t have to pull a hissy fit.”Ev rolled his eyes at me like I was the one being overdramatic.
Why was it that the thought of my dad having sex with some random bloke didn’t freak me out, but when Evan said he’d happily “bump uglies,” I was suddenly wondering where to find some brain bleach?
Fine.I’ll concede that my dad was a good-looking man for his age.And back in ’16, he was in his early forties — so that would’ve made it easier to find guys.
But there weren’t any dating apps back then.Just how had he found these men?
There wasn’t a gay bar around here.I’d checked.Google said the nearest one was over 35 miles away.
So that meant he was making contact another way.
Then the penny dropped.
Graffiti.
The last time I’d used the men’s toilets in the local pub, I noticed names and what looked like phone numbers written on the back of the cubicle door.Along with a load of other shit — drawings of dicks and smutty jokes.
That had to be where he’d found those guys’ contact details.
Hmm.Maybe I need to look at his mobile and see if there are any apps or other contacts on there.You know, just to double-check.
Was I acting like a dog with a bone with this?Should I let sleeping dogs lie?
Did I have to know whether my dad was completely straight?
Who the hell was I to judge?
Was I pulling him out of the closet and disrespecting his privacy?
Maybe.
Why?
Because...
Because what?
Because I was curious?Because I wanted to understand him better?
Why, though?Why do you need to understand him better?
He was your father.He loved you.Cared for you.You looked up to him.
Isn’t it enough to know that he loved you?
