Don't waste it. What Dom gave you.
The guilt is still there. Probably always will be. I'll carry it for the rest of my life. But maybe we can finish this… and maybe that will make his death hurt a little less. With a sigh, I go and check on Jinx, happy to see he’s snoring, the rattles loud in his chest.Sitting with him, I stroke his hair and wonder what the fuck I’d have done if he didn’t stop running.
Tie him down and keep him locked in the barn, I suppose. I’m chuckling to myself, but it’s shaking the bed, so I quietly get back up and go back downstairs, wanting to grab a beer and drown out the conflicting emotions rolling around in my chest.
I find her still awake, sitting on the steps, the whiskey half-empty beside her. I grab a beer and head out to join her.
"Can I ask you something?" I say, finally breaking the silence.
"Depends."
"The pits. How long were you there?"
She takes a long drink from the bottle before answering. "Eight years. Started when I was twelve."
"Twelve. How—"
"My father sold me." Her voice is matter-of-fact. Like she is reciting someone else's history. "He was a drunk and a gambler, and he owed money to some very bad people. They came to collect, and he didn't have cash. But he had a daughter."
"Jesus."
"They liked that I was tall for my age. Strong. They said I had good bone structure." She laughs, but there was no humor in it. "Good bone structure. Like I was a fucking racehorse."
"Holy fuck that’s some dark shit..."
"The first year was training. They don't put kids straight into the fights. First, they break you down. Figure out what you're made of. The ones who can't handle it..." She shrugs. "They disappear. Nobody asks where they go."
I know where they went. I'd seen the disposal facilities during my own time in the pits. The incinerators that ran twenty-four hours a day.
"By the time I was fourteen, I had my first kill." She stares out at the dark field in front of us. "Girl about my age. They'd matched us by height and weight, made it look fair. She was terrified. I could see it in her eyes. She didn't want to be there any more than I did."
"You had to—"
"Don't." Her voice goes sharp. "Don't tell me I had to. Don't tell me it wasn't my fault. I know what I did. I've lived with it for fifteen years."
The silence stretched. The whiskey bottle caught starlight as she raised it to her lips again.
"Her name was Elle." The words come out rough, dragged from somewhere deep. "I found out later. Elle Martinez, age fourteen, from Houston. She had a little brother who spent years trying to find her. I tracked him down after I got out. Wanted to... I don't know. Apologize. Explain."
"What happened?"
"He pulled a gun on me. Told me if I came near his family again, he'd kill me." She laughs again, that hollow sound. "Can't blame him. I killed his sister. I don't get to ask for forgiveness."
I don’t know what to say. There is nothing to say. We'd both done things that couldn't be undone. Taken lives we couldn't give back. Made choices under conditions that weren't really choices at all.
"Jinx reminds me of her sometimes." Marlee's voice is quieter now. "Elle. The way she looked at me before... before I did it. Like she couldn't understand why this was happening. Like she still believed someone was going to save her. He’s not weak, he’s just… confused. Scared. Like Elle was as she died."
"Is that why you hate him? Because he reminds you of someone you killed?"
"I don't hate him." She turns to look at me. "I hate what he represents. The Foundry, the pits, all of it. He's proof that what they did to us wasn't unique. That there's a whole system out there and it runs everything.”
"He got out. Same as us."
"Did he?" She takes another drink. "Or is he just running on a longer leash? The conditioning they put those Protocol kids through... it's deeper than anything the pits did to us. They didn't just train him to fight. They rewired his brain. Literally changed his brain chemistry.”
"I think he's undoing a lot of the shit they did to him."
"Maybe." She looks away again, back toward the dark field. "Dom thought so too. Said he saw something in Jinx that reminded him of you. Something worth saving."
