And then I’m angry with myself. Angry for not having the patience or the strength that I want to have to be strong for the both of us.
Angry that I’m selfish. That I want him to be able to take time out of his schedule to care about me. To care for me when I’m down, even when I know he can’t.
He’s quiet, and there’s a part of me that’s screaming at him to hear me, to listen to me, to read between the lines that this is not fine. Thatweare not fine.
But then he clears his voice and mumbles his standard, “Love you, miss you.”
I repeat it just the same before ending the call and tossing my phone in my purse.
Raymond slides his arm across my shoulders, pulling me into him for a side hug “Magnolia, I?—”
“It’s fine.” I wave my hands, lying through gritted teeth as I shake my head at Raymond. “He’s going through a lot. He doesn’t need to worry about me on top of everything else.” I reach for my crutches, and when I fail to stand on my own, Raymond tucks his hand under my arm, pulling me off the bench. When I look up, his brown eyes are laced with sadness.
“Let’s get you home. I’ve already called Ronaldo and told him he needs to bake us something.”
I let out a watery laugh. “Isn’t it too early for pity cake?”
“Girl, it’s never too early for pity cake.”
CHAPTER 28
Magnolia
The next two times Lukas calls, I let it go to voicemail.
CHAPTER 29
Lukas
“Hey, this is Magnolia. Sorry I missed your call, but leave a message, and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.”
“Hey, baby, it’s me,
Sorry I missed you again, been a while since we talked. I got your letter. Sorry to hear about your foot. I don’t think I understood exactly what was going on when we talked on the phone that day. Glad to hear you’re out of the boot and got clearance to start working with PT. I feel like shit that I didn’t talk with you more about it. When I injured my shoulder with baseball, you were the one thing that pulled me out of my head when I was on the verge of self-destructing. I should have been there to do the same for you.
Not much else new with me. Same shit, just a different day. Think I’m finally getting used to this life. The key is to not think about what I love, I guess. As bad as that sounds, it’s easier to make it when I push you and my family out of my mind. But so far, it’s the only way I can figure out how to survive. I’ll try to call you again soon. Love you, miss you.”
CHAPTER 30
Lukas
Dear Mags,
They gave us word that we only have a few weeks left out here, so I’ll be shipping back to the States soon. Maybe even get a small break to make it back home for Christmas.
I’m excited to get back to base, maybe get back on my old routine and try to feel normal again. Not gonna lie, it’ll be weird, though. I’m used to this sort of life now. Used to living in kind of like a survival mode. It’ll feel weird to be back in Copper Ridge surrounded by my family. I’ll bet Harper will seem so grown up now.
Aphone is tossed in the dirt next to me. When I look up, Brutus is standing over me with his bulky shadow blocking out what’s left of the setting sun.
“Ready to get out of here, Iowa?”
He reaches into his front pocket, pulling out a squished pack of cigarettes. He pops one into his mouth, and then he pats his hands across his chest, his thigh, searching for a lighter. Before he can find one, I pull mine from my side pocket and toss it over to him.
“I guess so,” I tell him, watching as he lights up a flat cigarette.
He nods, inhaling a deep drag before holding it a second, then pushing it out into the evening air. “You guess? Young guy like you should be excited to be done with this shit. Soon you’ll be back home, go visit the girl or something, get a real job.”
Two years ago, I was excited for that. It’s what kept me going, what motivated me to wake up each morning, but somewhere along the way, it lost its appeal. It’s not that I don’t want to go home. I definitely don’t want to stay out here. But there needs to be a middle ground somewhere. A limbo that we could spend some time in—something that’s not quite the military but still offers a break before we’re thrown right back into civilian life.
