I miss you so much! Life has been a whirlwind lately. We’re heading into the winter season, which means it will only get busier.
I scribble the words as fast as my hand can go, telling him about the ballet we’re in the middle of performing,Giselle, and the meaning behind the performance. How it’s a beautiful story of love and betrayal and dying of heartbreak … filled with so much emotion I can feel it in the center of my chest when I dance.
Lukas has seen me dance to a lot of the classics—The Nutcracker, Swan Lake—but not this. And I think he’d love it as much as I do.
I tell him about the museums in Paris. How theMona Lisais a lot smaller in real life than I had expected. And how I could imagine him and his brothers walking through the Louvre, giggling at all of the naked male statues. The thought of him and Theo poking each other in the ribs while Grayson pretends he’s taking it seriously has a snicker bubbling out of me.
“What has you smiling like that?”
I jump at the sound of Raymond’s voice by my ear, and he takes that opportunity to steal the notepad from in front of me. He flips through the pages, his smiling face falling the further he reads through my letter. He hands the notebook back to me, and I snatch it from his hand, tucking it safely to my chest. “Just trying to write Lukas.”
“Trying?” Ronaldo asks, pulling out the chair next to me. He swipes the last of my chocolate croissant from my plate, stuffing it into his mouth with a cocky smile.
“Trying,” I confirm, setting my notebook back on the table. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to him anymore.”
“I liked the first one,” Raymond says, pulling out the chair opposite Ronaldo to sit down. “It was sweet. If I was away from Ronaldo, that’s the kind of letter I’d want.”
“Yeah … I don’t know. Is it … wouldn’t it make you sad? To hear that he was sad?”
The bridge of my nose starts to sting, and I inhale a slow breath, pushing it out through my lips. “This is so hard, you guys. Lukas and I … well, you know how we are.”
When Lukas came to visit me in Paris after boot camp, Raymond and Ronaldo fell in love with him immediately. They loved his small-town innocence and his tenderness when it comes to me. They loved the faint blush he got on the tips of his ears when they teased him.
They especially loved the fact that he’s six-and-a-half feet tall with muscles for days.
“I don’t know how to talk to him anymore,” I finally admit. “I want to tell him that I’m having the time of my life.” I gesture around us, to the walls of the small cafe that literally faces Notre Dame. “I’m living out my biggest childhood dream. I’m a ballerina inParis.I have the best friends. I have my health, my family…” I trail off, bringing my hands to my lap. “And Lukas is suffering.” His letters are vague, short, but I know him well enough to read between the lines.
He’s depressed, quiet. He’s not sleeping well, and that alone worries me.
“He’s the best part of my life, my absolute best friend, myperson, and I don’t know what to say to him, or what I should say to him. Do I constantly remind him that I’m sick without him? Do I tell him how you guys catch me while I’m zoned out, staring at the wall when I should be eating? Do I tell him how much I cry myself to sleep?” I struggle writing to him. I want to share what’sgoing on in my life, but I don’t want to make him sad. All the while, I know he’s experiencing unthinkable things. Things that would terrify me, and he can’t tell me about them. So, most of the time we have nothing to talk about. “It’s driving me mad, not knowing what to do, or how to act toward the person I’ve known since I was a little kid.”
They’re both silent, their gazes focused on me and my confession, with the occasional flicker toward the other. It’s Ronaldo who reaches out first, resting his hand over mine. “Maybe you should talk to someone, sweetie. A therapist. Someone who would know what to do in a situation like this. Because I don’t.”
“I agree,” Raymond adds. “I hate it when this fool is right, but he’s right about this.”
His honey-colored irises turn toward the sun, briefly closing to soak in its warmth before he turns back to the table. “I think that you can be both, though. You can miss him so much, painfully so, and still be happy with your life, with your career. Can’t you?”
“Is it possible to have two polar opposite things be true at the same time?”
“I think so,” Ronaldo says softly. “Every part of life can’t be perfect all the time. Your relationship might be rocky right now, but you’re thriving in your career. Your relationship might be the strongest it’s ever been in the future, and your health could plummet.”
“Ouch,” I tease, playfully shoving his shoulder. “Don’t wish that upon any of us, please.”
“All I’m saying is that yes, I believe two polar opposite things can be true at the same time. That’s life. If every single area was the best it could ever be, if we never experienced down times or pain, I’d start to wonder if we were even living real life.”
“Oh, Lord,” Raymond groans, smiling as the waiter hands us our menus. “Don’t get him started on that … pretty soon he’ll launch into how we’re all actually living in some computer simulation or virtual reality nonsense.”
Ronaldo gasps as he snags a menu from Raymond’s outstretched hand. “Okay, rude. I was being sweet to our friend.” He crosses his legs, and rips open the menu, perusing the options on the first page before he murmurs, “And for the record, it’s called simulation theory, not virtual reality.”
Raymond purses his lips together to hide his smile before his eyes dart over to me. “See?” he says, a teasing glint to his eye. “My career is the best it’s ever been, and my significant other thinks we’re living in a simulation.”
CHAPTER 20
Lukas
Dear Mags,
Tonight, we’re sleeping outside under the stars. This is my least favorite way to be—exposed, without real shelter, only our weapons to protect us. The humvees are parked in a herringbone pattern, our sleeping systems set up on the ground along one side. We can’t start a fire—the smell, the light, would be too much. Guys are taking turns staying awake, watching guard from the turret. Even though we’re on the ground, the sleeping system isn’t that bad. It keeps us warm enough since the desert becomes frigid once the sun sets.
