“I’m fine, it’s just…” I release a pained breath. There’s no sense in a gradual buildup, so I might as well spit it out. “I’m deploying.” The words rush out of me so fast they bleed together, and I pause, my heart nearly freezing in my chest once I say the words out loud. It was the same reaction my body had when they gave us the orders. In less than two months, my unit will be deploying overseas. Something I know I should have anticipated, but secretly hoped would never happen to me.
“What?” she finally says, her voice soft and unsure. “How? What? I feel like you just got there. It’s barely been a year. Are you … are you ready?”
I force out a pained laugh at that. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.”
“How long will you be gone for?”
“Seven months, maybe ten.”
The words leave my mouth like stones, heavy and unrelenting. And I can hear her start to cry on the other endof the phone. “Don’t cry, baby. We’ve talked about this, even though it sucks, we both knew it was a possibility.”
“I figured it was possible,” she admits, “but I didn’t think it would happen like this. I thought I’d get to see you once more. Lukas, if … do you get a break? Could you come see me? I don’t think I can get that much time off right now to fly there.”
I swallow the burn in my throat, acknowledging her fears, knowing they mirror my own. I figured she couldn’t get a break in her schedule. “I won’t have time to go to France. Mags … baby, I’m sorry, but we won’t get to see each other before I deploy.” I run my hand over my head, feeling the soft bristles of my hair tickle my palm.
The next few months will be spent completing my predeployment workup, including intense field training, mock raids, live-fire exercises. Everything and anything to prepare us for what we’ll face when we head overseas. Most guys are married, or have homes, cars, pets to think about, paperwork to get in place for worst case scenarios. “I’m not ready, Mags,” I whisper. “I’m not ready for any of it. I’m…” I trail off. There’s no point in scaring her even more. There’s a lot I’m not ready for. My fears for the future have kept me up half the night nearly every night.
No one likes a sob story,the drill instructors say.
Telling her my fears won’t change what I have to do. What I willingly signed up to do.
“It’ll be fine, though,” I lie through gritted teeth. “I’ve trained for this. They prepare us for every possible encounter, believe me. The hardest part will be the distance from you. I’ll try to write letters when I can, but I won’t be able to call very often.”
“It's hard enough as it is to find time to talk.”
Her words sting, and I know she’s hurting. But she’s a fool if she thinks this is easy on me.
“I’ve tried to call you, don’t act like I haven’t.” My voice is a little more harsh than I’d like it to be, but I can’t help it. “It’s not just my schedule that’s shit, Mags, you have to admit that.”
She’s quiet, but I sit and wait, knowing I’d rather sit in silence with her than not hear from her at all.
“I know it's on both of us,” she finally says. “It’s just so much harder than I expected, and now it’s about to get a million times worse.”
“What are you saying?”
“Nothing. Just acknowledging that it’s going to be hard. I’m allowed to feel that, Lukas. I’m allowed to be scared for you. For us.”
“I wish you’d have a little more confidence in me.”
“Who says I don’t?” she bites out, and I close my eyes, wishing I could turn back time, erase the last five minutes of this call. Wishing I just told her over voicemail instead.
“I’m sorry, okay. My mind is all over the place. You know I love you, right? I’m just … I miss you, that’s what it is.”
“I’m sorry,” she murmurs. “I haven’t eaten all day and you know how I get when I’m hungry. I’m not being a real supportive girlfriend right now.”
The corner of my lips twitch at that. “My girl needs her snacks, that’s for sure.”
I can hear her rustling around in something. Hopefully looking for a protein bar or something to tide her over. “It’s not that I don’t have confidence in us. I’m just saying I miss you like crazy as it is, you know? With deployment, I probably won’t hear from you as often. That’s not your fault, by any means. It’s just … I’m saying the words out loud, I guess.”
“I get what you mean…” She’s saying what I’ve been thinking to myself since they broke the news to us. “But I can’t change what’s happening. I’ve been ordered; I have to go when they say.I’ll write and call when I can, okay? But let’s not dwell on that, on the bad. Talk to me, tell me about France, about your dancing.”
She exhales a breath, slowly starting, and for the next few minutes, I do my best to listen to her excitement at what she’s learning, at the classes she’s taking, at the opportunities waiting for her. I want to listen, I really do, but there’s a jealousy that blooms deep in my core at her happiness. It’s an ugly, vile creature that I try to tame, but it’s a razor thin line, and sometimes, I straddle that line between feeling angry or feeling nothing at all.
And I don’t know how seven more months apart is going to fix that.
CHAPTER 17
Magnolia
